Woody Allen Intelligent Quotes

Interesting quotes by Woody Allen, an American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician whose intelligent on screen art has impressed many. Read his thoughts on life through these quotes.

94 5 of all

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

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A deranged person is

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.

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A relationship I think

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

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A small boy helps

A small boy helps a bearded old man across the street and says, Good Sabbath. The old man smiles and empties his pipe on the boy’s head.

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A stock broker is

A stock broker is one who invests other people’s money until its all gone.

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According to astronomers space

According to astronomers space is finite. This is a very comforting thought for people who can never remember where they have left things.

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All my life is

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.

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All people know the

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

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Allan What are you

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

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Also there is the

Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.

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And how does gravity

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

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Anything worth knowing cannot

Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.

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As a child I

As a child, I entered a music contest. I won two weeks at Interfaith Camp where I was sadistically beaten by boys of all races and creeds.

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As the poet said

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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As we know for

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

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Ask the average man

Ask the average man who wrote Romeo and Juliet, and in most cases he’ll snap confidently back with, The Immortal Bard of Stratford on Avon!

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Basically my wife was

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

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Bisexuality automatically doubles your

Getting attracted to same gender automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

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Capital punishment would be

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

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Confidence is what you

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

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Consider then Is old

Consider then: Is old age really so terrible? Not if you’ve brushed your teeth faithfully!

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Curiosity that s what

Curiosity, that’s what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It’s our own hearts and minds.

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Death is a state

Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty.

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Death is an acquired

Death is an acquired trait.

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Death is one of

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

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Death should not be

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

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Did your husband wear

Did your husband wear a toupee? Not really. He would usually carry it around with him and produce it if challenged in an argument.

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Doing abominations is against

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

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Doing abominations is against

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

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Don t worry I

Don’t worry, I know almost exactly what I’m doing.

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Dr Melik Have you

Dr. Melik: Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
Woody: Yeah, sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

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Eighty percent of success

Eighty percent of success in life is showing up.

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Eternal nothingness is OK

Eternal nothingness is OK if you’re dressed for it.

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Eternity is a very

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

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Fogarty incidentially was a

Fogarty, incidentially, was a friend of Bernard Shaw’s and was once permitted to touch Shaw’s beard, provided he would go away.

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For the first year

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.

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Forgarty was a fun

Forgarty was a fun-loving, rubicund Irishman whose idea of a good time was to lie down in the public square and imitate a tweezers.

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God is either cruel

God is either cruel or incompetent.

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God is silent Now

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

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Had coffee with Melnick

Had coffee with Melnick today. He talked to me about his idea of having all government officials dress like hens.

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Harvard makes mistakes too

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

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Have you ever noticed

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they’re awake?

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Having sex is like

Making out is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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He was so depressed

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

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His lack of education

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

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How am I immature

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Yeah, but in what other ways?

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How can I believe

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.

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How is it possible

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

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How wrong Emily Dickinson

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not the thing with feathers. The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew.

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I am an only

I am an only child. I have one sister.

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I am at two

I am at two with nature.

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I am thankful for

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

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I believe that sex

I believe that making out is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

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I believe there is

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

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I bought her this

I bought her this handkerchief… and I didn’t even know her size.

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I can levitate birds

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

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I can t do

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

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I can t listen

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

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I cheated on my

I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy seated next to me. – Woody Allen

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I d call him

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

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I d never join

I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

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I didn t know

I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.

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I do not believe

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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I don t know

I don’t know enough to be incompetent.

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I don t know

I don’t know the question, but physical intimacy is definitely the answer.

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I don t tan

I don’t tan, I stroke.

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I don t think

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

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I don t want

I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

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I failed to make

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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I fell in love

I fell in love with a girl. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. We didn’t know which religion not to bring the children up in.

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I foresee death by

I foresee death by culture shock.

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I get into an

I get into an amazing amount of physical encounters for someone my size. About 13 weeks ago, I had my shoes shined against my will.

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I had a great

I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials.

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I had a terrible

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

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I had another of

I had another of those attacks where I start coughing out of my ears.

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