Funny Quotes With One Liner Jokes
Tickle your funny bone with these hilarious One Liner Funny Quotes. Share the joy with your loved ones and spread laughter all over.
A celebrity is any
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. – Steve Martin
A consultant is someone
A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee. – Arnold H. Glasgow
A diplomat is a
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost
A friend never defends
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck
A male gynecologist is
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
A man can be
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. – Mae West
A man s face
A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction. – Oscar Wilde
A man who will
A man who will not lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. – Olin Miller
A particularly beautiful woman
A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror. As a rule, a beautiful woman is a terrible disappointment. – Carl Gustav Jung
A true scrapbook addict
A true scrapbook addict is one who stages photographs to match paper she likes.
A vacation is like
A vacation is like love – anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort and remembered with nostalgia.
A woman is only
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. – Rudyard Kipling
Adult education may be
Adult education may be a good idea in the schools, but I do not believe the kids should be given homework. – Bill Cosby
Adultery is the application
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. – Henry Louis Mencken
Advertising is legalized lying
Advertising is legalized lying. – H.G.Wells
All married couples should
All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. – Ann Landers
All of the women
All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. – Donald Trump
An editor is someone
An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff. – Adlai E. Stevenson
An optimist is a
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. – Irv Kupcinet
Any fool can criticize
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do. – Dale Carnegie
As to the seven
As to the seven deadly sins, I deplore pride, wrath, lust, envy and greed. Gluttony and sloth I pretty much plan my day around.
Before I got married
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children, now I have six children and no theories.
Behind every successful man
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx
Biology is the least
Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. – Oprah Winfrey
Brevity is the soul
Brevity is the soul of lingerie. – Dorothy Parker
Build a man a
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. – Terry Pratchett
Chili represents your three
Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid and eventually gas. – Roseanne
Dentist a prestidigitator who
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket. – Ambrose Bierce
Do not tell a
Do not tell a woman she is pretty; tell her there is no other woman like her and all roads will open to you. – Jules Renard
Do you know what
Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing! – Donald Gardnerย
Do you mind if
Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. – Donald Trump
Dust is a protective
Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture. – Mario Burata
Early to bed early
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise – Laurence J. Peter
Early to rise and
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. – James Thurber
Ego is like your
Ego is like your underwear, it is Important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it!
Even overweight cats instinctively
Even overweight, cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses. – John Weitz
Every Boy should know
Every Boy should know this: Short answers, silent treatment, not smiling means YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.
Every girl needs a
Every girl needs a husband… ‘cos there are a number of things that go wrong and for everything you cannot blame the government’
Every woman is wrong
Every woman is wrong until she cries and then she is right, instantly – Thomas C. Haliburton
Fact of Life After
Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
Feed the musician and
Feed the musician and he is out of tune. – George Crabbe
Fleas can be taught
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can – S. L. Clemens
Fridays are not pants
Fridays are not ‘pants optional’. – Nancy Cartwright
Give me golf clubs
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. – Jack Benny
God heals and the
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. – Benjamin Franklin
Great love affairs start
Great love affairs start with Champagne and end with tisane. – Honore de Balzac
Having one child makes
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. – David Frost
He has more chins
He has more chins than a Chinese phone book. – Joan Rivers
He who wishes to
He who wishes to be rich in a day will be hanged in a year. – Da Vinci
Humans are not proud
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. – Douglas Adams
I am dating a
I am dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. – Garry Shandling
I am devoted to
I am devoted to total world peace. I am the world. – Byron Katie
I am not single
I am not single. I am in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.
I am thankful for
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen
I can speak French
I can speak French but I can not understand it. – Mark Twain
I do not consider
I do not consider myself bald, I am just taller than my hair. – Tom Sharp
I dont have to
I dont have to attend every argument I am invited to. -W. C. Fields
I feel as a
I feel as a horse must feel when the beautiful cup is given to the jockey. -Edgar Degas
I feel the same
I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.- Hunter S. Thompson
I grew up with
I grew up with six brothers. That is how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope
I have a black
I have a black belt in Haiku. And a black vest in the cleaners. -Tom Robbins
I have been thinking
I have been thinking Hobbes. On a weekend? Well, it was not on purpose. – Calvin & Hobbes
I have learned to
I have learned to hold popular opinion of no value. -Alexander Hamilton
I keep trying to
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me!
I like my new
I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!
I like nonsense it
I like nonsense; it wakens up the brain cells
I prefer the word
I prefer the word “homemaker” because “housewife” always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. – Bella Abzug
I was married by
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury – George Burns
I was not kissing
I was not kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth . – Chico Marx
If a man watches
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck
If people stand in
If people stand in a circle long enough, they ll eventually begin to dance. – George Carlin
If women did not
If women did not exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. – Aristotle Onassis
If you are not
If you are not using your smile, you are like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no cheque-book.
If you do not
If you do not believe in ghosts, you have never been to a family reunion. – Ashleigh Brilliant
If you do not
If you do not read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.