Funny Quotes With One Liner Jokes

Tickle your funny bone with these hilarious One Liner Funny Quotes. Share the joy with your loved ones and spread laughter all over.

A celebrity is any

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. – Steve Martin

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A consultant is someone

A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee. – Arnold H. Glasgow

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A diplomat is a

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost

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A friend never defends

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck

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A male gynecologist is

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

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A man can be

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. – Mae West

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A man s face

A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction. – Oscar Wilde

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A man who will

A man who will not lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. – Olin Miller

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A particularly beautiful woman

A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror. As a rule, a beautiful woman is a terrible disappointment. – Carl Gustav Jung

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A true scrapbook addict

A true scrapbook addict is one who stages photographs to match paper she likes.

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A vacation is like

A vacation is like love – anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort and remembered with nostalgia.

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A woman is only

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. – Rudyard Kipling

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Adult education may be

Adult education may be a good idea in the schools, but I do not believe the kids should be given homework. – Bill Cosby

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Adultery is the application

Adultery is the application of democracy to love. – Henry Louis Mencken

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Advertising is legalized lying

Advertising is legalized lying. – H.G.Wells

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All married couples should

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. – Ann Landers

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All of the women

All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. – Donald Trump

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An editor is someone

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff. – Adlai E. Stevenson

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An optimist is a

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. – Irv Kupcinet

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Any fool can criticize

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do. – Dale Carnegie

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As to the seven

As to the seven deadly sins, I deplore pride, wrath, lust, envy and greed. Gluttony and sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

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Before I got married

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children, now I have six children and no theories.

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Behind every successful man

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx

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Biology is the least

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. – Oprah Winfrey

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Brevity is the soul

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. – Dorothy Parker

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Build a man a

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. – Terry Pratchett

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Chili represents your three

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid and eventually gas. – Roseanne

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Dentist a prestidigitator who

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket. – Ambrose Bierce

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Do not tell a

Do not tell a woman she is pretty; tell her there is no other woman like her and all roads will open to you. – Jules Renard

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Do you know what

Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing! – Donald Gardner 

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Do you mind if

Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. – Donald Trump

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Dust is a protective

Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture. – Mario Burata

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Early to bed early

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise – Laurence J. Peter

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Early to rise and

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. – James Thurber

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Ego is like your

Ego is like your underwear, it is Important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it!

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Even overweight cats instinctively

Even overweight, cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses. – John Weitz

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Every Boy should know

Every Boy should know this: Short answers, silent treatment, not smiling means YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.

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Every girl needs a

Every girl needs a husband… ‘cos there are a number of things that go wrong and for everything you cannot blame the government’

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Every woman is wrong

Every woman is wrong until she cries and then she is right, instantly – Thomas C. Haliburton

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Fact of Life After

Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

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Feed the musician and

Feed the musician and he is out of tune. – George Crabbe

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Fleas can be taught

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can – S. L. Clemens

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Fridays are not pants

Fridays are not ‘pants optional’. – Nancy Cartwright

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Give me golf clubs

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. – Jack Benny

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God heals and the

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. – Benjamin Franklin

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Great love affairs start

Great love affairs start with Champagne and end with tisane. – Honore de Balzac

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Having one child makes

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. – David Frost

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He has more chins

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book. – Joan Rivers

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He who wishes to

He who wishes to be rich in a day will be hanged in a year. – Da Vinci

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Humans are not proud

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. – Douglas Adams

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I am dating a

I am dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. – Garry Shandling

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I am devoted to

I am devoted to total world peace. I am the world. – Byron Katie

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I am not single

I am not single. I am in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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I am thankful for

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen

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I can speak French

I can speak French but I can not understand it. – Mark Twain

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I do not consider

I do not consider myself bald, I am just taller than my hair. – Tom Sharp

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I dont have to

I dont have to attend every argument I am invited to. -W. C. Fields

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I feel as a

I feel as a horse must feel when the beautiful cup is given to the jockey. -Edgar Degas

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I feel the same

I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.- Hunter S. Thompson

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I grew up with

I grew up with six brothers. That is how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope

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I have a black

I have a black belt in Haiku. And a black vest in the cleaners. -Tom Robbins

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I have been thinking

I have been thinking Hobbes. On a weekend? Well, it was not on purpose. – Calvin & Hobbes

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I have learned to

I have learned to hold popular opinion of no value. -Alexander Hamilton

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I keep trying to

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me!

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I like my new

I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!

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I like nonsense it

I like nonsense; it wakens up the brain cells

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I prefer the word

I prefer the word “homemaker” because “housewife” always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. – Bella Abzug

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I was married by

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury – George Burns

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I was not kissing

I was not kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth . – Chico Marx

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If a man watches

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck

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If people stand in

If people stand in a circle long enough, they ll eventually begin to dance. – George Carlin

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If women did not

If women did not exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. – Aristotle Onassis

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If you are not

If you are not using your smile, you are like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no cheque-book.

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If you do not

If you do not believe in ghosts, you have never been to a family reunion. – Ashleigh Brilliant

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If you do not

If you do not read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

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