Funny Quotes With One Liner Jokes

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. – Steve Martin

A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee. – Arnold H. Glasgow

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. – Mae West

A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction. – Oscar Wilde

A man who will not lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. – Olin Miller

A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror. As a rule, a beautiful woman is a terrible disappointment. – Carl Gustav Jung

A true scrapbook addict is one who stages photographs to match paper she likes.

A vacation is like love – anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort and remembered with nostalgia.

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. – Rudyard Kipling

Adult education may be a good idea in the schools, but I do not believe the kids should be given homework. – Bill Cosby

Adultery is the application of democracy to love. – Henry Louis Mencken

Advertising is legalized lying. – H.G.Wells

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. – Ann Landers

All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. – Donald Trump

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff. – Adlai E. Stevenson

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. – Irv Kupcinet

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do. – Dale Carnegie

As to the seven deadly sins, I deplore pride, wrath, lust, envy and greed. Gluttony and sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children, now I have six children and no theories.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. – Oprah Winfrey

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. – Dorothy Parker

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. – Terry Pratchett

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid and eventually gas. – Roseanne

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket. – Ambrose Bierce

Do not tell a woman she is pretty; tell her there is no other woman like her and all roads will open to you. – Jules Renard

Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing! – Donald Gardner 

Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. – Donald Trump

Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture. – Mario Burata

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise – Laurence J. Peter

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. – James Thurber

Ego is like your underwear, it is Important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it!

Even overweight, cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses. – John Weitz

Every Boy should know this: Short answers, silent treatment, not smiling means YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.

Every girl needs a husband… ‘cos there are a number of things that go wrong and for everything you cannot blame the government’

Every woman is wrong until she cries and then she is right, instantly – Thomas C. Haliburton

Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

Feed the musician and he is out of tune. – George Crabbe

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can – S. L. Clemens

Fridays are not ‘pants optional’. – Nancy Cartwright

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. – Jack Benny

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. – Benjamin Franklin

Great love affairs start with Champagne and end with tisane. – Honore de Balzac

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. – David Frost

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book. – Joan Rivers

He who wishes to be rich in a day will be hanged in a year. – Da Vinci

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. – Douglas Adams

I am dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. – Garry Shandling

I am devoted to total world peace. I am the world. – Byron Katie

I am not single. I am in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen

I can speak French but I can not understand it. – Mark Twain

I do not consider myself bald, I am just taller than my hair. – Tom Sharp

I dont have to attend every argument I am invited to. -W. C. Fields

I feel as a horse must feel when the beautiful cup is given to the jockey. -Edgar Degas

I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.- Hunter S. Thompson

I grew up with six brothers. That is how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope

I have a black belt in Haiku. And a black vest in the cleaners. -Tom Robbins

I have been thinking Hobbes. On a weekend? Well, it was not on purpose. – Calvin & Hobbes

I have learned to hold popular opinion of no value. -Alexander Hamilton

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me!

I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!

I like nonsense; it wakens up the brain cells

I prefer the word “homemaker” because “housewife” always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. – Bella Abzug

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury – George Burns

I was not kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth . – Chico Marx

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck

If people stand in a circle long enough, they ll eventually begin to dance. – George Carlin

If women did not exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. – Aristotle Onassis

If you are not using your smile, you are like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no cheque-book.

If you do not believe in ghosts, you have never been to a family reunion. – Ashleigh Brilliant

If you do not read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.