Marriage Jokes in English
Explore the humorous side of marriage and share a laughs with funny, satirical and cute marriage jokes. Its time to laugh your gut out.
A Couple Before Marriage- MAD For Each Other. After Marriage MADE For Each Other. And A Few Years Later MAD Because Of Each Other.
A Famous Writer Said Love Is Like A Long Sweet Dream And Marriage Is An Alarm Clock. So Have Sweet Dreams Till your Alarm Wakes you Up.
A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, “Don’t enter that church you fool!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” “OUR WEDDING!”
A happy man marries the girl he loves, a happier man loves the girl he marries.
A Little Kid Asks His Dad: Daddy,How Much Does It Cost To Get Married? No Idea, Replied The Father. I am Still Paying For It.
A One line advertisement by a Married Man in a Newspaper. For Sale: Wedding Suit, wore only once by mistake.
A successful marriage is where husband gives money, gifts, dresses and wife takes it and where wife gives advices, lectures, tensions and husband takes it….
A Sweet Demand By A Kid. He Was Beaten Up By His Mom. Dad Asked What Happnd Son? Kid Said I Cant Adjust With your Wife Anymore, I Want My Own.
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
All trAgediEs aRe Finished by A deAth aNd All cOmedies by A MARRIAGE.
Angle Said: I Cant Be Everywhere To Help You, So I Created MOTHER. Devil Replied: Me Too, I Cant Be Everywhere, So I Created MOTHER-IN-LAW.
Angry Husband: When We Married, You Promised To Love, Honor and Obey Me. Bride: I Know. I Didnt Want To Start An Argument In Front Of All People At The Wedding.
Arrange marriage is while you are walking unfortunately a snake bites you. But Love Marriage is going to the snake and saying bite me brother!
Attending A Wedding For The First Time, A Little Boy Asked His Father: Why Is The Groom Dressed In Black? Because Black Is The Color Of Mourning Child.
Banta owned a factory. He issued orders that only married men would be employed. Friend asks: Why this? Banta replied: Because married men are more obedient.
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, o my darling. I love you. After marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, do not come near to me, I am bored of you.
By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.
Commerce professor asks the student: What is the most important source of finance for starting business? Student: Father in law.
Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
Dont Marry The Person You Want To Live With. Marry The One You Cannot Live Without. Hell, Whatever you do, You Will Regret It Later.
Equation Of Marriage: 7 Glance=1 Smile. 7 Smile=1 Meeting. 7 Meeting=1 Kiss. 7 Kisses=1 Proposal. 7 Proposal=1 Marriage And That 1 Marriage Has 77777 + Problems
Experience says: There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage!
Father: Hey son, why is your mother sitting so silent today? Son: Nothing dad. She asked for lipstick and I heard glue stick. Father: God bless you son.
First marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Flowers Die, Stories End, Songs Fade, Memories are forgotten, All Things Come To End. But Ye Kawarapan toh Chipak Hi Gaya Hai Yaar.
Get Married Not For Yourself But For The Future Of Your Children. They are Getting Late For School.
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want,
and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
Girl: If we got married, stop smoking. Boy: Ok. Girl: Drinking too. And no night clubs. Boy: Ok. Girl: What else can you leave? Boy: The idea of marrying You.
Girl: You know what kind of wedding I want?
Girl: A big wedding. What kind of wedding do you want?
Boy: One that would make you my wife. Boys are smart
Golden Rule: To be happy with a man, love him little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman, love her a lot and do not try to understand her.
Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words as: Yes dear.
Husband: “Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?”
Wife: “Is that what I do?”
Husband says; “When I am gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU’LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON’T YOU, SUSAN?
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In an African Safari, A LION jumped on Bob’s Wife. WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him! Bob: Yes Yes. I am changing the battery of my camera.
Intelligent man + intelligent girl = Friendship. Duffer man + intelligent girl=Love. Intelligent man+ duffer girl=Dates. Duffer man+ duffer girl= Love marriage
It is funny when people discuss love marriage vs. Arranged. It is like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
Its funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED. Its like asking someone if suicide is better or being murdered.
Love is like a long sweet dream and marriage is an alarm clock so have sweet dreams till your alarm wakes you up.
Man at medical store: I need poison Chemist: I cant sell you that. Man shows his marriage certificate. Chemist: Oh! sorry, I didnt know you had a prescription.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
Marriage is like going to a Restaurant and ordering a dish of your choice. But just when you see something on the others plate, you wish you had ordered that.
Marriage Is Natures Way Of Preventing PEOPLE From Fighting With STRANGERS.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. – Ogden Nash
Marriages May Be Made In Heaven, But The Maintenance Charges Have To Be Paid On Earth.
Meaning of Marriage for a woman – Sacrificing admiration of many men for the criticism of one man!
Mens Room Before Marriage: Posters, Cigarettes, Beer, Music, untidy clothes, PEACE. After Marriage: Pain Killers, Loan Papers, Bills, Medical Reports. Huh!
Most successful Happily Married life is defined as…Yet to be seen.
My relationship with my ex wife was very psychological….
she’s psycho and I am logical.
My wife is a great lover.
My wife is a self harmer.
She eats her own cooking.
My wife is addicted to takeaways.
She’s taken away my confidence, my dignity, my self-respect, my money….
My wife keeps moaning at me saying I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the petrol station.
My wife opened her birthday present and as she held it she said, This is nice but why a mirror? I said, In case you forget why I left you
My wife’s a magician. She can turn anything into an argument
My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment today. I just wish I knew what I did to upset her. So I can do it again when she starts to talk
My wife’s leg was badly crushed last night. She crossed it with the other one. Obesity I say!
My wife’s not speaking to me again.
On my passport application I filled in the Marital Status field as unhappy .
My wife said I should stop treating her like a dog.
I took her for a walk to calm her down.
My wife said I am a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better. I said, you’ve woken me at 3 pm just to tell me that?
My wife said I am an idiot who can’t do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.
My wife said I am full of my own self-importance.
Anyway that’s enough about her…
My wife said, I have noticed that your new secretary seems to be pretty and wears a short skirt I said, Oh sorry love..shes not into women
My wife said she had no sleep last night,bcos my snoring kept waking her.if my snoring was waking her up then shes obviously had some sleep
My wife said she wanted more excitement in the bedroom.
So I bought one of those beds that look like a racing car.
My wife said she was absolutely fed up with the world. Why? I asked. Arrogant people like you! She screamed back. I said Yeah, they do, dont they?
My wife said she’s going to leave me.
But she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.
Thats nice of her, paying off my overdraft
My wife said to me I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear. So I said kitchen, bathroom, living room.
My wife said to me I wish you’d play with me like you do with computer games
So I did, I cheated on her.
My wife said to me, I wish I had a pound for everytime you’ve called me fat. I said, You have.
My wife says I should get help for my memory loss.
Next thing she’ll probably tell me to get help for my memory loss.
My wife sent me shopping today. She told me to go and buy something that’ll make her look beautiful. I came back with 2 litres of vodka and beer