Marriage Jokes in English

Explore the humorous side of marriage and share a laughs with funny, satirical and cute marriage jokes. Its time to laugh your gut out.

A Couple Before Marriage

A Couple Before Marriage- MAD For Each Other. After Marriage MADE For Each Other. And A Few Years Later MAD Because Of Each Other.

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A Famous Writer Said

A Famous Writer Said Love Is Like A Long Sweet Dream And Marriage Is An Alarm Clock. So Have Sweet Dreams Till your Alarm Wakes you Up.

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A guy is watching

A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, “Don’t enter that church you fool!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” “OUR WEDDING!”

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A happy man marries

A happy man marries the girl he loves, a happier man loves the girl he marries.

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A Little Kid Asks

A Little Kid Asks His Dad: Daddy,How Much Does It Cost To Get Married? No Idea, Replied The Father. I am Still Paying For It.

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A One line advertisement

A One line advertisement by a Married Man in a Newspaper. For Sale: Wedding Suit, wore only once by mistake.

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A successful marriage is

A successful marriage is where husband gives money, gifts, dresses and wife takes it and where wife gives advices, lectures, tensions and husband takes it….

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A Sweet Demand By

A Sweet Demand By A Kid. He Was Beaten Up By His Mom. Dad Asked What Happnd Son? Kid Said I Cant Adjust With your Wife Anymore, I Want My Own.

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A wedding anniversary is

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.

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All trAgediEs aRe Finished

All trAgediEs aRe Finished by A deAth aNd All cOmedies by A MARRIAGE.

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Angle Said I Cant

Angle Said: I Cant Be Everywhere To Help You, So I Created MOTHER. Devil Replied: Me Too, I Cant Be Everywhere, So I Created MOTHER-IN-LAW.

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Angry Husband When We

Angry Husband: When We Married, You Promised To Love, Honor and Obey Me. Bride: I Know. I Didnt Want To Start An Argument In Front Of All People At The Wedding.

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Arrange marriage is while

Arrange marriage is while you are walking unfortunately a snake bites you. But Love Marriage is going to the snake and saying bite me brother!

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Attending A Wedding For

Attending A Wedding For The First Time, A Little Boy Asked His Father: Why Is The Groom Dressed In Black? Because Black Is The Color Of Mourning Child.

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Banta owned a factory

Banta owned a factory. He issued orders that only married men would be employed. Friend asks: Why this? Banta replied: Because married men are more obedient.

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Before marriage Roses are

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, o my darling. I love you. After marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, do not come near to me, I am bored of you.

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By all means marry

By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.

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Commerce professor asks the

Commerce professor asks the student: What is the most important source of finance for starting business? Student: Father in law.

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Don t marry the

Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

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Dont Marry The Person

Dont Marry The Person You Want To Live With. Marry The One You Cannot Live Without. Hell, Whatever you do, You Will Regret It Later.

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Equation Of Marriage 7

Equation Of Marriage: 7 Glance=1 Smile. 7 Smile=1 Meeting. 7 Meeting=1 Kiss. 7 Kisses=1 Proposal. 7 Proposal=1 Marriage And That 1 Marriage Has 77777 + Problems

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Experience says There are

Experience says: There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage!

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Father Hey son why

Father: Hey son, why is your mother sitting so silent today? Son: Nothing dad. She asked for lipstick and I heard glue stick. Father: God bless you son.

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First marriage is the

First marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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Flowers Die Stories End

Flowers Die, Stories End, Songs Fade, Memories are forgotten, All Things Come To End. But Ye Kawarapan toh Chipak Hi Gaya Hai Yaar.

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Get Married Not For

Get Married Not For Yourself But For The Future Of Your Children. They are Getting Late For School.

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Getting married is like

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want,
and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.

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Girl If we got

Girl: If we got married, stop smoking. Boy: Ok. Girl: Drinking too. And no night clubs. Boy: Ok. Girl: What else can you leave? Boy: The idea of marrying You.

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Girl You know what

Girl: You know what kind of wedding I want?
Boy: No?
Girl: A big wedding. What kind of wedding do you want?
Boy: One that would make you my wife. Boys are smart

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Golden Rule To be

Golden Rule: To be happy with a man, love him little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman, love her a lot and do not try to understand her.

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Grooms once you marry

Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words as: Yes dear.

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Husband Honey why do

Husband: “Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?”
Wife: “Is that what I do?”

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Husband says When I

Husband says; “When I am gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”

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I think men who

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

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If a tree falls

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU’LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON’T YOU, SUSAN?

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If you want your

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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If your husband and

If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

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In an African Safari

In an African Safari, A LION jumped on Bob’s Wife. WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him! Bob: Yes Yes. I am changing the battery of my camera.

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Intelligent man intelligent girl

Intelligent man + intelligent girl = Friendship. Duffer man + intelligent girl=Love. Intelligent man+ duffer girl=Dates. Duffer man+ duffer girl= Love marriage

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It is funny when

It is funny when people discuss love marriage vs. Arranged. It is like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

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Its funny when people

Its funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED. Its like asking someone if suicide is better or being murdered.

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Love is like a

Love is like a long sweet dream and marriage is an alarm clock so have sweet dreams till your alarm wakes you up.

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Man at medical store

Man at medical store: I need poison Chemist: I cant sell you that. Man shows his marriage certificate. Chemist: Oh! sorry, I didnt know you had a prescription.

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Marriage is a relationship

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

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Marriage is like going

Marriage is like going to a Restaurant and ordering a dish of your choice. But just when you see something on the others plate, you wish you had ordered that.

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Marriage Is Natures Way

Marriage Is Natures Way Of Preventing PEOPLE From Fighting With STRANGERS.

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Marriage is the alliance

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. – Ogden Nash

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Marriages May Be Made

Marriages May Be Made In Heaven, But The Maintenance Charges Have To Be Paid On Earth.

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Meaning of Marriage for

Meaning of Marriage for a woman – Sacrificing admiration of many men for the criticism of one man!

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Mens Room Before Marriage

Mens Room Before Marriage: Posters, Cigarettes, Beer, Music, untidy clothes, PEACE. After Marriage: Pain Killers, Loan Papers, Bills, Medical Reports. Huh!

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Most successful Happily Married

Most successful Happily Married life is defined as…Yet to be seen.

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My relationship with my

My relationship with my ex wife was very psychological….
she’s psycho and I am logical.

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My wife is a

My wife is a great lover.
……………..Of cakes.

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My wife is a

My wife is a self harmer.
She eats her own cooking.

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My wife is addicted

My wife is addicted to takeaways.
She’s taken away my confidence, my dignity, my self-respect, my money….

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My wife keeps moaning

My wife keeps moaning at me saying I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the petrol station.

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My wife opened her

My wife opened her birthday present and as she held it she said, This is nice but why a mirror? I said, In case you forget why I left you

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My wife s a

My wife’s a magician. She can turn anything into an argument

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My wife s been

My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment today. I just wish I knew what I did to upset her. So I can do it again when she starts to talk

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My wife s leg

My wife’s leg was badly crushed last night. She crossed it with the other one. Obesity I say!

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My wife s not

My wife’s not speaking to me again.
On my passport application I filled in the Marital Status field as unhappy .

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My wife said I

My wife said I should stop treating her like a dog.
I took her for a walk to calm her down.

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My wife said I

My wife said I am a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better. I said, you’ve woken me at 3 pm just to tell me that?

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My wife said I

My wife said I am an idiot who can’t do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.

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My wife said I

My wife said I am full of my own self-importance.
Anyway that’s enough about her…

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My wife said I

My wife said, I have noticed that your new secretary seems to be pretty and wears a short skirt I said, Oh sorry love..shes not into women

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My wife said she

My wife said she had no sleep last night,bcos my snoring kept waking her.if my snoring was waking her up then shes obviously had some sleep

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My wife said she

My wife said she wanted more excitement in the bedroom.
So I bought one of those beds that look like a racing car.

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My wife said she

My wife said she was absolutely fed up with the world. Why? I asked. Arrogant people like you! She screamed back. I said Yeah, they do, dont they?

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My wife said she

My wife said she’s going to leave me.
But she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.
Thats nice of her, paying off my overdraft

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My wife said to

My wife said to me I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear. So I said kitchen, bathroom, living room.

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My wife said to

My wife said to me I wish you’d play with me like you do with computer games
So I did, I cheated on her.

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My wife said to

My wife said to me, I wish I had a pound for everytime you’ve called me fat. I said, You have.

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My wife says I

My wife says I should get help for my memory loss.
Next thing she’ll probably tell me to get help for my memory loss.

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My wife sent me

My wife sent me shopping today. She told me to go and buy something that’ll make her look beautiful. I came back with 2 litres of vodka and beer

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