Chuck Norris Hilarious Jokes

50 Cent used to be called ‘The Million Dollar Man’ before he met Chuck Norris.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It’s now called the Ironman Triathlon.

Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Are you kidding? You want to follow Chuck Norris on Twitter? Chuck Norris’ shadow won’t even follow him.

As a kid, Chuck Norris used to set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

At night, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Automatic doors open for Chuck Norris 25ft further away than the rest of us.

Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Bigfoot often tries to take pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on ‘Legendary’, with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris beats the odds on a regular basis- with his fists.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 20 seconds.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can drive, fly, and run at the same time.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris CAN get blood from a turnip.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can pee his name in concrete. Permanently.

Chuck Norris can read Braille- from 300 feet.

Chuck Norris can read lips- with his eyes closed.

Chuck Norris can rhyme things with the word ‘orange.’

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can smoke a cigarette underwater.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four with three pieces.

Chuck Norris carved Mount Rushmore. With his feet.

Chuck Norris conducted his own Caesarian section birth. With a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table. He only believes in the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite- he bites frost.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not ‘kick ass and take names.’ Chuck Norris DOES ‘kick ass and assign the corpse a number.’

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t answer Nature’s call- Nature answers Chuck Norris’ call.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris doesn’t follow anyone on Twitter. He already knows where you are.

Chuck Norris doesn’t get sunburned. The sun gets Chuckburned.

Chuck Norris DOESN’T love Raymond.

Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toe- he breaks furniture. And walls. And curbs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, Now.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris dosn’t flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it.

Chuck Norris’ first job was a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with barbed wire and uses pepper spray for mouthwash.

Chuck Norris gives his GPS directions.

Chuck Norris goes to sleep each night with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his den. The bear isn’t dead- just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has no permanent tattoos- nothing discovered yet can pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.

Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked numerous telemarketers to death- over the phone.

Chuck Norris is his nightmare’s worst nightmare.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to beat a concrete wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding, and why Carmen San Diego can’t be found.

Chuck Norris killed your imaginary friend.