You can never really
You can never really say whats’ on your mind, when your family is on Facebook 😉
“How do I look?” Friend: “You look fine.” Good Friend: “You look really pretty.” Best Friend:”You look horrible”
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: ‘Thanks for coming.’
Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.
I have just bought myself a laughing hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated
My money keeps unfollowing me.
Sleep is for the people who has no access to Internet.
Newton’s laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
We all have 10 fingers. INDEX to point out, RING for marriage, THUMBS for approval, PINKIES for swears, & the MIDDLE one is just for you!
I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn’t impressed, but it’s not every day he turns 4.
Teacher: When was the Second World War fought? Me: From page 126 to page 143.
I dropped the remote and the batteries rolled away so now I have to watch this channel forever.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
Yes, i do think clicking the mouse a million times will suddenly make the computer work
Some Are Called Brave Because They Afraid to Run…
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted of excitement.
That annoying moment when you’re behind a slow walker & there`s no way around them.
That awkward moment when you can’t stop laughing while telling a joke and when you’re finally done your friends doesn’t even get it.
Facebook should make it to where it says, ‘Went from being in a relationship’ to ‘Problem solved.’
has THOUGHT about getting out of bed… still thinking, still thinking…
HOS is in the moment…
Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor…
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Bipolar = Someone who is “emotionally undecided”.
s healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
Q: Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A: One sells watches and one watches cells.
I Do Come With A Warning Label: May cause laughing, crying, anger and fun. Do not take if you have allergic reactions to the truth.
Dear Family: Just because I am laughing when I am reading a text, does not mean I am flirting with someone.
I stay up late every night, regret it every morning, and then do it all over again.
How do you stop a child from bed wetting? Electric Blanket.
By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
I think it’s about time I turned my life around…… efil ym… That’s better.
If my room is clean, it means that Twitter is not working.
Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?
If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS
That awkward moment when you realize you’re chewing on a borrowed pen.
I am so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
When I say I’ll think about it, what I really mean is: I’ll forget about it completely until you bring it up again.
Word of Advice: If a cop pulls you over and says: You drinking? Never respond with: Wanna Join?
Dhadkan ruk gayi meri ye sunkar, jab kaam waali maai ne kaha. Way menu v facebook te add karle.
After (M) onday and (T) uesday even the week says WTF.
A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
All good things must come to a end – My liver
is now listed as single but in a relationship, it’s complicated.
thinks that it is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console
A friend of mine asked me, “What`s Obama`s last name?”…who wants to guess her hair color?
On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the “Jaws” theme.
If meat is murder, then milk is robbery.
It took harry potter 8 movies and 8 books to kill 1 guy, it took Rajnikanth, 1 movie to kill all the bad guys.
“Everything happens for a reason.” No you just screwed up.
Funny how you can update your status but not reply to my messages.
When. I. Read. Stuff. Like. This.The. Voice. In. My. Head. Takes. Pauses.
Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.
I don’t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
Oh look! The smurfs have grown up! Grandma, that`s avatar…
It’s not that I hate you… it’s just that if we were being chased by zombies, I would trip you.
Don’t you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.
Mario is red, Sonic is blue, Why don’t you hit select and be my player two?
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.
It’s not you, it’s me. I just don’t like myself when I am around you.
I am Not Arguing. I am Simply Explaining Why I am Right.
says if she was a boy then he would be gay
It’s not the crazy people that bother me…it’s the so called NORMAL people that scare me!!
usbdfoaierngwerinewp’xfcghj4tyu tfyguhij whoops, sorry i saw a spider on the keyboard.
Eating popcorn: 80% during the trailers. 20% during the movie.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
“Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.”
Seeing a spider isn’t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
HOS is still that same great taste just fewer calories
Why people use Twitter: because updating 100 times a day on Facebook is not socially acceptable.
used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!