You can never really
You can never really say whats’ on your mind, when your family is on Facebook 😉
The most ridiculous status on facebook: “LIKE if you’re a boy or a girl :)” Idiot no, I am a unicorn.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”
It took harry potter 8 movies and 8 books to kill 1 guy, it took Rajnikanth, 1 movie to kill all the bad guys.
HOS likes it when people call him kitten
It is difficult to be stupid… competition is huge…
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Has anyone else wondered what they sound like to people who don’t speak English?
I am Not Arguing. I am Simply Explaining Why I am Right.
Roses are dead, Violets are dead, I am a disaster at gardening.
Dear food advertisments, no one eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.
The funniest thing in class is when the teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
wonders if there is a cure for dumbness if so, I know a few people who need a dose.
Dear Puzzle Piece, Now you fit… Sincerely, Scissors
I hate to invite relatives over to the house because they are harder to get rid of than Adobe updates.
My resume is basically a list of things i hate to do.
is going into hibernation…call me when it’s safe to come out
Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten.
Tell her she’s beautiful instead of hot . She’s a woman, not a temperature.
Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. 😉
No mom, you’re mad because you’re wrong, not because I’m talking back…
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
Without Facebook, I probably wouldn’t have wished you a happy birthday.
HOS is holding the world for ransom
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling ‘Help! Shark!’. I just laughed, I knew that shark was not gonna help him.
Worst Passwords of 2011: “kimswedding”… Too short & not strong enough.
I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
HOS is a Jedi. Obviously.
Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years… I think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself.
I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.
I love Mondays, It’s also when i take my weekly sarcasm class.
Me all school year: When is summer?
Me during summer: Ok, now what.
Did you get braces? Nah bro I am just chewing staples.
That awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again.
Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it’s your fault.”
Mom: “What are you doing?” Me: “Homework!” *Mom looks at the screen* “Really? When did they start putting it on Twitter?”
“Dude, you were so drunk you kept falling over…” “No I wasn’t, I was breakdancing!”
My Talents: Speed texting, procrastination, sarcasm, talking back & the ability to completely zone out in class.
If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.
Twitter turns 30 minutes of homework into 2 hours of homework.
Just curious, do both of your faces fit in the same mirror?
Well excuse me, but I’d rather have a ugly boy with a gorgeous heart then a gorgeous boy with a ugly heart.
I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life – I’ve changed my mind.
They always put ”For best before date: see side of pack” on groceries.
Why can’t they just put the date there?
The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.”Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”.
Just remember anyone before me was a mistake and anyone after me is a downgrade
usbdfoaierngwerinewp’xfcghj4tyu tfyguhij whoops, sorry i saw a spider on the keyboard.
Me? I am just standing next to your house, waiting for this movie to finish downloading off your WiFi.
HOS is Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected the expected
The serious moment of preparation before stepping onto the escalator.
We live in a world built on promises, constructed by liars.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they’d still be alive.
Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.
not afraid of heights – but afraid of widths.
Dear Stomach, you’re bored, not hungry so shut up, please!
Use your smile to change this world. Dont let this world change your smile.
HOS is not suitable for minors!
Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you’re forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.
That awkward moment when you’re talking about someone and they’re right behind you.
HOS is profound as a pronoun that verbs today.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
My girlfriend wants to get married. I really do hope she meets someone nice.
Last name: Ever! First name: Greatest! Middle name: Mistake.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research
Almost hit a biker while i was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful, do NOT ride bikes.
That awkward moment when you want to buy something, check the price and sadly, leave it there.
would like a refund on this life.
It’s funny how we feel so much but we don’t say a word, we’re screaming inside but we can’t be heard.
Dear MTV, What the hell happened? Sincerely, Music.
I hate how some boyfriends just assume that when his girl is angry, she must be on her period. No, Maybe Your just a jerk!
When you learn how to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments
I have saved a ton of money on birthday cards by switching to Facebook!