If God made everything
If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?
I am not rude…I just wasn’t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can’t stand.
When my browser won’t open I freak click on it a million times, only to regret it 10 seconds later when I am closing out all the windows
If words could kill, I would sentence you to death.
Yes, I am a teenager. Yes, I still get excited if something can glow in the dark.
Parent: I am going to be home late tonight. Normal Person: Nice, I could sneak out and party. Me: Nice, I could sing as loud as I want.
Why is it that Facebook even gives me the option to ‘Like’ my own status? Of course I like my status. I am hilarious.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
That awkward moment when you finally take a decent picture and then as you continue to stare, it gets uglier.
I am never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful,
I could’ve bought my girlfriend that necklace she’s always wanted.
Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
HOS is only here while supplies last
Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.
90% of the people that say “I’ll do this at home” never really do it at home….
Bullying is for losers.
HOS is giving love a bad name
Teacher- I hope I don`t see you copying another student`s homework. Student- Yeah, I hope you don`t see that either.
Never trust anyone who says “I am not supposed to tell anyone but…”
The neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 AM. Luckily for him I was still up playing drums.
Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. – I am out babes!
I wish people would listen as much as they talk.
Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.
I drink to have fun, not to get drunk.
Let’s eat Grandma …. Let’s eat, Grandma …. Punctuation saves lives.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Paper cut: A tree’s one glorious moment of revenge.
Oh my girlfriend is leaving me cause of my obsession with Africa. Uganda be kidding me, Kenya believe it? Well, its Ghana be a sad break up.
Ok, I am gonna study NOW – 3 hours LATER – Okay , I am gonna study now. SERIOUSLY.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
“It’s hot in here!” “Sorry, Should I leave?”
Are babies natural or man-made?
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think we are gonna have an indoor baby.
Women throwin’ tantrums on my name… That’s a shame… Is it my fault that I am the hottest woman in the game?
I try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.
Seeing an argument on Facebook, sitting there refreshing the page and thinking, ‘Oh, this is going to be good!’
HOS is whistling a merry tune
Don’t mind me, I’m just typing this so I don’t look like a loner in public while waiting for my friends.
Note To Females: Don’t let something that doesn’t matter cause you to lose something that does.
A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I only quote people I love – Myself.
That awkward moment when you’re trying not to look when someone is staring at you.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling ‘Help! Shark!’. I just laughed, I knew that shark was not gonna help him.
Everything is funnier, when you’re not allowed to laugh 😀
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
It might look like I am doing nothing, but at the cellular level I am actually quite busy.
Since I was 14, I have dated girls in alphabetical oder.My newest girlfriend Yvonne is convinced I’ll go back to my X
That awkward moment when someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good thanks”
I hate texting someone a whole paragraph and getting a one word reply.
HOS is pondering on incoherent thoughts that pertain to this abstract dilemma
How come I can’t get a mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afganistan?
That awkward moment when somebody deletes your comment.
The first sign of madness is talking to yourself, the second sign is replying.
The Obituary Columns … Facebook for the over 70’s
A jealous girlfriend does better research than the FBI, but a smart guy hides things better than the CIA.
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly,Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile
says What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
That awkward moment when someone starts acting drunk after 1 drink.
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
No mom, you’re mad because you’re wrong, not because I’m talking back…
HOS is riding ponies outside Wal-Mart. . .I need quarters
When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone like a giraffe … just to confuse future archaeologists.
The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.
I like how you do your makeup. Do you use a brush or just dip your whole face in?
My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.
Who else had one of those pens with a million colors and tried to push all the buttons at once?
I don’t know why online forms on websites have the option of “Born in 2011”. Duh! how would I be using my computer?
HOS is busy, you’re ugly, have a nice day
Going to bed and counting how many hours of sleep you’re going to get.
Honey, that’s a shirt, not a dress.
Flies only live for 24 hours. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those buggers live forever!
Just because I am not talking, doesn’t mean I am in a bad mood. Sometimes I just like being quiet.
Wishes are always granted but you just have to wait for the perfect time.
Bad guys in movies: “But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so you can be saved.”