To steal ideas from
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research
HOS is allergic to liars
There’s an airline called Virgin Airlines, but I never use them. Who wants to fly on a plane that doesn’t go all the way.
I said to my wife I have found this amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight! Its called Super Glue.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”
Things people say: It’s Friday! Things self-employed people say: It’s Friday?
Lazy rule: Can’t reach it. Don’t need it.
Strangers: “Excuse me please.” Family: “Can you move?” Best friends: “Get the hell out of my way bugger!”
You’ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can’t reach it.
taking a picture of a flower does not make you a photographer……
“K” = the most powerful way to piss someone off while texting.
Dear Tequila, I love you, but we had an agreement. You were supposed to make me hot & a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can’t get any worse, please remember…I don’t give a shit.
Teacher- I hope I don`t see you copying another student`s homework. Student- Yeah, I hope you don`t see that either.
HOS is a blueberry muffin in a basket of bagels.
I am in a prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t run fast enough.
My foot’s asleep.. lucky bastard.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
It’s simple… Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you.
We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.
I am on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.
Dont you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring. You immediately call back and it rings 9 times. What did the person do? Drop the phone and run away?
HOS is frickin awesome! ‘Nough Said.
I have just bought myself a laughing hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
The awkward moment when you only know one part to a song so you just keep singing the same line for the whole day.
I don’t know about you guy’s, but if I was homeless my sign would say “I bet you can’t hit me with a 100 dollar bill!” 😉
Bipolar = Someone who is “emotionally undecided”.
Your a model? What’s your agency? Instagram?
All relationships go through shit, real relationships get through shit!
Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM
It’s not the crazy people that bother me…it’s the so called NORMAL people that scare me!!
Those of you who complain constantly about Facebook but never log off must be tons of fun at parties.
HOS is swimming like a sperm with a purpose!
If someone found a list of everything we all ever googled we would all be in terrible soup.
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need.
The last thing you do every night and the first thing you do every morning is check your phone.
Why is it that Facebook even gives me the option to ‘Like’ my own status? Of course I like my status. I am hilarious.
Me: “Can I go to the restroom?” Teacher: “What for?!” Me: (thinking) TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS…. Uhm i have to pee
They’re not blueberries. They’re peas holding their breath.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
For every set back GOD has a comeback!
That moment when you hear your mom mention your name on the phone and all you think is: what the hell is she saying about me now?
The awkward moment when you’re smiling at your phone and your parents ask who you’re talking to.
We have the laziest Easter Bunny here….He didn’t bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.
Your life is your message to the world. Make it fun!
I don’t really hate math. I am just not comfortable talking about EX’s and WHY’s.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative.
HOS is going to snap, crackle, and pop your neck
Sometimes when you’re sad, no one cares, when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time!
HOS is like that and that’s the way it is
I want to REFRESH my mind, DELETE all my problems, UNDO all my mistakes, and SAVE those amazing moments.
HOS thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
Dear phone companies, Please make it so all phones have the same charger. Sincerely, at my friend’s house with a dead battery.
Facebook is one of the most searched term on Google. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn’t be using the internet.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your music. When I am driving it scares the shit out of me.
Dear McDonald’s cashier, Don’t give me that look, there’s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don’t forget the toy.
We live in a world built on promises, constructed by liars.
What’s all the fuss about prisoners having the vote?
It’s just one bunch of criminals electing another.
When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up… cause, you know… I am still looking for ideas.
How do people without a social media addiction get any procrastination done?
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I was on the treadmill for over an hour today. Tomorrow I might even turn it on.
My mom told me not to talk to strangers. But then I made a twitter account and it became a hobby.
“I’ll keep that in mind” is the polite way of saying “Get lost, I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
I hate it when someone else takes the piece of food I mentally claimed…
Dear Bored of Education, So are we. Sincerely, students.
Ive decided to follow the health advice given in the news recently and avoid alcohol 3 days a week. Now I just have to decide which week.
HOS is running with scissors… makes me feel dangerous!
Am I the only one who wants to say “Because you’re crazy” when the teacher says “Why do I hear voices?”
My boyfriend is like an ipad. I don’t have an ipad.
I am not rude…I just wasn’t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can’t stand.
Dhadkan ruk gayi meri ye sunkar, jab kaam waali maai ne kaha. Way menu v facebook te add karle.
Google, I don’t know you, but you are indeed the best teacher I’ve ever had.