When i die don
When i die don’t write “R.I.P” on my grave write “B.R.B”
wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, “Say hello to my little friend.”
Admit It. When you shut the lights off in the basement, you get out of there…fast.
I wish fire trucks and ambulances played, “Move babe! Get out the way!” instead of using sirens!
is on strike! she will not be talking to anyone, until her demands are met. she wants a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels.
Bored? Simply send a text message To a random number saying: “I am Pregnant”
No man is worth your tears and the only one who is will never make you cry
I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.
They’ll hate you if you’re pretty. They’ll hate you if you’re not. They’ll hate you for what you lack and they’ll hate you for what you got!
The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I don’t have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.
I really need to stop saying, “how stupid can you be?” People are taking it as a challenge..
Age is just a number… Unless you’re 17 and hes 32… then its just so damn creepy…
That urge you get to write, “No one gives a shit” on someone’s status.
Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same.
HOS is in the moment…
The awkward moment when you’re smiling at your phone and your parents ask who you’re talking to.
I bought a bag of chips. Not half a bag of air.
I know the world isn’t going to end in 2012 cuz my yogurt expires in 2013!
“I live with no regrets.” “No, you live with your parents…”
S.T.U.D.Y = Singing, Tweeting, Unlimited Texting, Dreaming, Yawning.
I wish my grades smoked . . . . . they would get higher!
Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.
When you’re stressed eat ice cream, cakes, why? because stressed spelled backward is DESSERTS!
I am not evil! I am just misunderstood.
You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.
says “Dear Mathematics, please grow up and solve your own problems.”
Taxes are basically just money you pay the government so they don’t put you in jail.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake being perfect.
Why do beer companies bother with an expiration date…it’s never going to make it anywhere near that!
You look cute…in a National Geographic way.
I don’t have a pet, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won’t even chase the laser pen.. It’s got 8 eyes so I know he sees it.
lost my cellphone if you find it …..call me
When you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you will have more opportunities.
I love the word “Allegedly”. You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal… allegedly.
And when you smile, the whole world stops & stares for a while.. Cause girl, you got a little something stuck in your teeth.
YouTube = Ads load instantly. Videos take forever to load.
People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?
HOS is busy, you’re ugly, have a nice day
Does anyone else… Charge their phone 5 minutes before they leave to go somewhere… thinking it will make a difference?
I love Mondays, It’s also when i take my weekly sarcasm class.
HOS knows when you are sleeping, knows when you’re awake
HOS has got the power
Dear Teacher, I talk to everyone, so moving my seat won’t help. Sincerely, Student.
I hate being tired in school and thinking ‘I am going to take a nap as soon as I get home.’ and then when I get home I am not tired anymore.
When things in your life don’t add up, then maybe its time to start subtracting people, places & things.
Twitter – Where mental illness goes viral.
Happy National its-okay-to-lie Day.
I hate when a girl tells me ” I wish I could find a guy just like you”.. DUDE…I am the guy…what the hell is JUST LIKE ME!
Fact: 100% of the people reading this, are alive.
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
Difference between male & female is… Walking through the animal barns, the female begins ranking animals for cuteness and males rank them for deliciousness.
Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
The closest that I’ve gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop…
Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.
You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Everybody lies, but it does not matter because nobody listens.
If life was easy I would be bored.
I’ll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. “What are you doing with that gun?”
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
When I kill a bug in my house, I leave the dead body around for a bit to warn the others.
Ladies… if you’ve ever accidentally called a fax machine… you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
Just remember anyone before me was a mistake and anyone after me is a downgrade
Ever read a post and thought “Hmm, I wonder if that’s about me?”
My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with Call Of Duty. Its okay, she wont go far because I set a claymore by the door.
They’re not blueberries. They’re peas holding their breath.
I think my middle finger has had too much caffeine… its been up all day.
You know you’ve grown up when instead of being angry at someone for a stupid comment, you feel sorry for them.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonald’s outfit none of them will even talk to me.
Relationships are like mirrors. Who you choose to date is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.
If I don’t answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn’t going to make me answer.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…A few seconds ago · Comment · Like