When i die don
When i die don’t write “R.I.P” on my grave write “B.R.B”
HOS can ride their bike with no handle bars
You’ve got to get up every morning with determination if you are going to go to bed with satisfaction.
I`m not flirting. I`m just being extra friendly to someone who is extra attractive.
“Hot” is my middle name… Sadly my first name is “Not”
It took me a while, but I finally realized that I am better off without you.
Have you seen the new movie “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet.
No matter how many times you wish on 11:11, toss coins and cross fingers. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen
I hate when people ask me stupid questions..Like “do you have a bathroom?” no. I just pee in the bushes outside!
What did he say? “Who is she?” “What just happened? (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom).
Last name: Ever! First name: Greatest! Middle name: Mistake.
Don’t judge me for my past, I don’t live there anymore.
The problem with love: You can love whoever you want, but so can they.
If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.
Grammar: it’s the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
You Know you’re addicted to Twitter If Before you go out and do something fun, you think about how you can tweet about it!
I love my mom, no matter what we go through, no matter how much we argue, because I know, at the end, she’ll always be there.
When i was young i used to listen to the radio all day long just to record my FAVORITE song of ALL time.
“Dude what did you get on question 16?” “Question 16…?” “Yeah on the back side” “MOTHER OF GOD THERE WAS A BACK SIDE!?”
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means shit.
HOS is on your mind at this very moment
The songs I like always come on when I am supposed to be getting out of my car!
Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters.
I don’t have enough money to make everyone rich, but I have enough love to give to make everyone happy.
When people see me at the supermarket & they are like: “Hey what are you doing here?”..I`m like, “Oh you know, hunting elephants.”
My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking 2012, I’ll rent a boat.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I.
Top 3 places I do the most thinking: 1.The shower 2. In bed right before I fall asleep 3.On the toilet.. Funny how school isnt on that list.
Once you notice something, you keep noticing it everywhere.
Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.
HOS is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
HOS is wondering how Stella got her groove back
One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark.
You choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance you will be correct? A. 25% B. 50% C. 60% D. 25%
Oh, you smoke cigarettes? You must be deeply dedicated to living as long as possible.
On 12/22/2012: Teacher: “Where’s your homework?” You: “Ummm… I thought I was gonna die last weekend.”
All the plastic surgery in the world can’t fix how ugly some people are on the inside.
Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a limousine than on a bicycle.
HOS is Training for the next Olympic games
trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
I offered my seat to a disabled person in the bus today. Ungrateful bastard didn’t even thank me, he just sat in his wheelchair and glared.
I don’t know about you guy’s, but if I was homeless my sign would say “I bet you can’t hit me with a 100 dollar bill!” 😉
87% of young people have back pain. The other 13% have no computer.
HOS is the kid next door’s, imaginary friend
Multi-tasking = Screwing up several things at once.
Nothing says “I suck at technology” more than a sideways profile picture.
All I want is peace, love, understanding and a chocolate bar bigger than my head.
eat eat and eat but don’t eat my brain.
Dear Karma, I have a “friend” who is waiting for you to visit.
Mom: Did you get home safely? Me: No, I died like 5 times.
When my browser won’t open I freak click on it a million times, only to regret it 10 seconds later when I am closing out all the windows
The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen, nor touched but are felt in the heart
Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
When I say I’ll think about it, what I really mean is: I’ll forget about it completely until you bring it up again.
Dont you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring. You immediately call back and it rings 9 times. What did the person do? Drop the phone and run away?
Oh, you sent me an event invite on Facebook? We’ve never met and you live 2,300 miles away, of course I’ll go.
Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same.
When I hear myself eating crunchy food, I wonder if people can hear it too!
Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future
I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces.
The phone’s fine though.
If you’re too cool for school…then practice saying “Would you like fries with that?”
Someone corrected my “good morning” with a “good afternoon” so I said, “go to hell you clock watching freak”
If you tickle my feet, I am not responsible for what happens to your face.
Guy: There’s something gorgeous about your eyes… girl blushes. Guy: Oh its just my reflection.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to say surprise adoption.
Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.
PARENT: We need to talk. ME: Million things run through my mind. What did they find out about me! PARENT: Stop leaving the lights on…
That awkward moment when you finish a good book / TV series and you have to face the reality of your boring life.
Every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.
Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you’re forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.
If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are.
HOS is giving love a bad name
Dear Haters.. You just see my glory, NOT MY STORY!
HOS is still that same great taste just fewer calories