When you sponsor a
When you sponsor a dog, The dog will write back to you… How??
My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children!
The amount of people who confuse ”to” and ”too” is amazing two me.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions
HOS is sniffing glue, going to the zoo, gonna free all the kangaroos. Suck it Dr. Seuss!
That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there’s that one person who ruins it by saying something serious.
If you can’t take a joke… don’t walk around looking like one.
I Was born with a rare condition called “Amazing”.
If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand exactly like you.
IT WASN’T ME!!!!! Oh that…….. yes that was me.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative.
HOS has a negative influence on you!
Being nice to people you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them.
Stereo, Stereo, Stereo, I love stereotyping!
Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”
I don’t regret my past, I just regret the time I’ve wasted with the wrong people!
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes.
When I say “The other day” It can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
Learn to keep your private life private, or they will make your life their entertainment.
Our dog can find anything.
It’s a Labragoogle.
I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
That awkward moment when you say ‘Hey’ to someone on facebook chat, and seconds later they sign out. How Rude.
Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m trippin? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.
My fat wife started crying because the airline made her book two seats.
I said, Yes, but you’ll get two meals. That cheered her right up.
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!
Dear KARMA, I know someone who is DESPERATELY awaiting your visit!
When the teacher writes a bunch of mathematical bullshit on the board and asks if there’s any questions.. “Yeah, what the hell is that?”
If her job on Facebook says, “model,” she’s likely unemployed.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends…
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.
Admit it. You hide your favorite food somewhere in the fridge from the rest of your family.
Blonde: What does ‘idk’ mean? Friend: I don’t know. Blonde: LIAR! You DO know! You just won’t tell me. Friend: *sigh*
says Judge me all you want… just keep the verdict to yourself
Your phone`s ringing…. “Yeah, phones do that…”
Oh really? I can skip your ad in 5 seconds? Well until then I’ll have my computer on mute and my eyes closed.
You have 3 choices in life: Watch things happen, make things happen or wonder what the hell happened.
HOS is throwing away happy tissues
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.
That awesome feeling when someone’s making an effort to make you smile.
I am glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
I don’t have bad handwriting, I just have my own font.
Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement!
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk
25 years from now: Dad, how did you meet mom? “Well son, your mom just had the hottest profile pic so I had to friend request that.”
If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.
I hate rhetorical questions. Don’t you?
Ek aadmi ki wife mar gayi, Dost ussko chup karaane ke baad: Tujhe kuch chahiye? Admi: Jaldi laptop le aa Dost:Kyun? Admi: Facebook pe status change karna hai..
“Hey, it’s been 6 seconds, go check your phone again!” – My Brain
Life is just like Mario brothers, you have to slay a few dragons to get to the princess
If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.
And when you smile, the whole world stops & stares for a while.. Cause girl, you got a little something stuck in your teeth.
Warning: I am in Bad Mood Mode and I can’t be responsible for what happens. Just Saying.
My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological… She was a freaking psycho and I was logical.
77% of girls think they’re ugly. 52% of girls think they’re fat. 100% of society should stop insulting girls for their appearances.
Nothing is scarier than having 5 missed calls from your mom.
when I’m at the supermarket I like to look at my cashier straight in the eyes and tell her “I see you checking me out girl!!!!”
(: p??? ?? o? ?u?uun? s? poolq ?? ?o ll?
I used to smile at my phone every time your name showed up….Now I almost throw it half way across the room.
My Talents: Speed texting, procrastination, sarcasm, talking back & the ability to completely zone out in class.
Mom, my friends don’t care if my room’s clean.. they just care if we have food.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I will ever get to yoga.
Inside every older person is a younger person, wondering what the hell happened.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
Pride attracts the girl. Courage approaches the girl. Wisdom gets the girl. Strength puts up with the girl. Loyalty keeps the girl.
HOS is making plans for tonight, want to be part of them?
I like girls that smoke weed. You could say I have high standards.
Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.
If a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?
HOS is going to the store. Do you want anything?
Never go at the first call of “Come, Dinner is ready!” It is a trap for you to set the table.
Tell a girl she’s beautiful a million times and she’ll never believe you. Call her ugly once, and she’ll never forget it.
No matter how old you are, when a little kid gives you a Toy Phone and says its for you, you answer it.