When you sponsor a
When you sponsor a dog, The dog will write back to you… How??
If they dont want you to drink and drive, why put car parks in pubs?
The walk of shame when you have to put something back in a store after your mom says no.
In every circle of friends there’s always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don’t have one? Then it’s probably you.
When i was young i used to listen to the radio all day long just to record my FAVORITE song of ALL time.
HOS is having trouble watering the plastic plants
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said “May I please have a cigarette?”. I can’t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Tattoos are for life. I have one that says ‘You will regret this’
When I ask someone a question and I can’t understand their response, I say, “Oh okay, thanks.”
If women ruled the world, a country would get bombed every 28 days.
Keep your heels, head, and standards high.
I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.
You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.
HOS is surrounded by incompetence.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I wanna live my life, young, wild, and free. … but I am afraid of my parents.
What’s black and sits in the lounge, in front of the TV, doing absolutely nothing, all day and every day?
My sofa, of course. You racists
If silence is golden, then random screaming in public places is platinum!
5 minutes of extra sleep in the morning seriously does matter.
I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
is going into hibernation…call me when it’s safe to come out
Paper cut: A tree’s one glorious moment of revenge.
I want to REFRESH my mind, DELETE all my problems, UNDO all my mistakes, and SAVE those amazing moments.
The awkward moment when you post a status and no one likes it, so you end up deleting it.
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.
Just dropped my iPod in a glass of apple juice. The irony is killing me.
Why do People think you’ll remember a person if they say a name Twice? “You remember Steve?” “Steve who?” “Steve ….. Steve”
Ever noticed how weird people’s faces are when they try to make babies laugh?
Dear bed. I’m sorry I abandoned you this morning. I miss you and I want you back. Forgive me?
HOS is letting you know your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory
NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.
I don’t understand fast food.
I have been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
When someone has a nickname, calling them by their real name sounds weird.
Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.
HOS is writing this to entertain the losers who take the time to actually read what others status message is
I hate it when I put my earphones in my pocket … 5 minutes later I take them out and its like a damn Rubix cube.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
HOS is too fast, but not really that furious
I am a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Some people say “you can’t live without LOVE” personally, I think OXYGEN is more important.
HOS is facing the book
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Has anyone noticed that the texts you’re trying to cancel always send faster?
Me: I don’t like him, I don’t like him I dont like him, I don’t like him, I dont like him. Friend: Yes you do. Me: *sigh* I know:(
McDonalds: Best place to breakup with your Girlfriend. There are no sharp knives, forks or heavy plates & you can always hide behind a fat kid
Staring at a dead body in a movie to see if you can catch them moving or breathing.
PARENT: We need to talk. ME: Million things run through my mind. What did they find out about me! PARENT: Stop leaving the lights on…
The awkward moment when a software engineer falling from the roof of a building and is shouting “F1 F1 F1” instead of “help help help”.
No, I am not funny. I am just really mean and everyone thinks I am joking.
I can’t afford a bigger TV so I moved the chair closer to the one I already have.
R.I.P Facebook! Murdered by Spam, Grandparents, Parents, Shoe selling models, Jordan Heels, and fake Bin Ladin ads!
Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.
Dear Haters.. You just see my glory, NOT MY STORY!
Don’t mix between my personality and my attitude because my personality is ME and my attitude depends on YOU.
To everyone finishing university this week, congratulations on your degree!And welcome to unemployment.
Parents call it “bad grades”, we call it “still passing.”
thinks that a bad thing about a good thing is that it always comes to an end.
If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in amazing shape.
So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog & said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.” “Im on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs.”
Out of all the gifts I received, my favorite, by far, were the gift receipts.
Being funny is like being a reality TV star; it’s just being stupid on command.
Everyone has three lives; a public life, a private life, and a secret life.
Friend: “You’re not the brightest crayon in the box.” Me: “LOL, I am not even “in” the box. I am the freaking highlighter man.”
If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter
I always wanted a good job and to drive fancy cars… finally I am a valet.
Tell a girl she’s beautiful a million times and she’ll never believe you. Call her ugly once, and she’ll never forget it.
HOS is textually active
HOS can see Alaska from his/her house
Calling 26 times leaving 11 messages and 6 emails in 15 minutes makes you a stalker. I won’t return calls from a stalker. Sorry mom.
IT WASN’T ME!!!!! Oh that…….. yes that was me.
I love that one kid who asks the professor 100 questions just to pass time in class.