If I was a
If I was a superhero I would choose the ability to see through glass
Dear bed. I’m sorry I abandoned you this morning. I miss you and I want you back. Forgive me?
When you realize you just clicked “Send” on a text to the wrong person, you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.
All good things must come to a end – My liver
Harry Potter fan: I wanna go to Hogwarts!
Percy Jackson Fan: I’ve always wanted to go to Camp Half Blood
Hunger Games fan: I am fine…
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.
Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?
If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good!
Temple run = A pointless game thats “very” addicting.
Things people say when a movie finishes in the theaters. 5% Awesome movie. 5% that was great acting. 90% I gotta pee!
Seems like no one wants you when you’re single, but all of sudden people show their feelings for you when you’re not.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm.
An economist is someone who gets rich explaining to others why they are poor.
Common sense is like deodorant… The people who need it most never use it.
Music is my drug, YouTube is my Dealer.
Life is like Tetris… sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together.
3 am text message. “Hey are you asleep?” “No, I am hunting zebras. What the hell do you want?”
If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.
You actually have friends? Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!
I don’t know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.
That awkward moment, when people ask: Are you a couple? And you look at each other and wait who’s going to answer first.
Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you’re in public and it rings, it’s the most embarrassing moment of your life?
That awkward moment when someone’s trying to get on the elevator but the doors are closing and they make eye contact with you!
My therapist keeps recommending other therapists.
“Are you really ok?” I am acting like I am ok. Please don’t interrupt my performance.
So you were born in 1999? Please keep telling about how much you miss the 90s.
I almost had a threesome last night… I just needed two more people.
I don’t have bad handwriting, I just have my own font.
I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn’t find any paper, so I used my car key instead.
I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
HOS is happy and you know it, so clap your hands!
HOS just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
People who say “No, and here’s why…” need to realize that we stopped listening after the “no” part.
Forgiveness allows you to focus on the future without combating the past.
says If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If I’ve ever said anything to insult you please let me know, I might want to say it again.
The awkward moment when that fat person sighs.. ‘I am fat’ Expecting you to reply.. ‘No you’re not”. but you say “Yep”.
So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog & said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.” “Im on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs.”
I am going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say, you are now friends with benefits.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your music. When I am driving it scares the shit out of me.
Exaggeration, without it the world would end.
HOS is only here while supplies last
My Mother in Law’s car mirror says “Warning object in mirror is ugly as hell”
Its not called being picky, it’s called not compromising your standards.
Facebook, are you that insecure in that you always need to know what’s on my mind?
is your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s sister’s uncle’s brother’s friend’s second cousin’s former roommate on your mothers side.
That awkward moment when you realize you’re chewing on a borrowed pen.
My graduation speech: i would like to thank, Google, Google, & Google.
Girls are like police. Once they get hold of all the evidences, they still want to hear the truth from you.
You are so two-faced that when you were born, your mother thought she had twins!
My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a MySpace account.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
Looking great in mirrors, then terrible in pictures.
Randomly staring at your phone to avoid an awkward situation.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there’s nothing you can’t do. – Tommy Smothers
I liked you better before we met.
Before I post a joke on Twitter I tell it to my windmill… He is a HUGE fan….
says if she was a boy then he would be gay
Checking your phone to see what time it is and checking it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention
Dear Teacher, If the bell doesn’t dismiss me, then the bell doesn’t decide when I arrive… Case Closed.
Lazy fact 254946156, You were too lazy to read that number!
Shampoo bottle directions: “Why are you looking at the directions? It’s shampoo, just put it on your head, stupid.”
“I just launched a new fragrance!” is a great way to announce a fart.
A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss.
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
My headphones are like my own personal “DO NOT DISTURB” signs.
That kick ass moment when the teacher calls on you because they don’t think you were paying attention, and you get the answer right.
If you can’t take a joke.. don’t walk around looking like one.
I am actually quite pleasant until I am awake
P.M.S. = [P]repare to [M]eet [S]atan
may not be Fred Flintstone but I can still make your bedrock
Flies only live for 24 hours. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those buggers live forever!