If I was a
If I was a superhero I would choose the ability to see through glass
Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack them in the face.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook!
When leaving the pub I decided that I was in no condition to drive home.
But then I realised I couldn’t trust my judgment. I was drunk.
That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones save its life.
On the internet you can be whoever you want. It’s odd that so many choose to be stupid.
Avoiding someone has two reasons: you either hate that person or you’re in love with that person.
TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.
Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.
If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind & share it with your big mouth.
Dear Guys, be careful what you say. Always remember: A girl never forgets.
HOS is legally dead for tax purposes
Teacher : “DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!” Student: “Are you asking me out?”
says people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!
Me: dad can i go to a 50 cent concert Dad: here’s a dollar take your sister too.
Boy in my class: sneezes
Me: “Bless You.”
Rest of class: “So, how long have you two been dating?”
Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.
Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.
“Are you as bored as I am?” makes sense even when you read it backwards.
That awkward moment when you’re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven’t taken him away from his parents yet.
Dear Girls, Bruno Mars may take 1 grenade for you but we take hundreds. Sincerely, the army.
That awkward moment when you see 9 year olds with boyfriends or girlfriends, while you’re still single.
Scary movies don’t freak me out..It’s my over-active imagination that scares the hell outta me!
Did you just fall? “No, The floor just jumped up” “oh, really” “yeah” 😀
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Imagine in 2012 when everybody thinks they are going to die, so they live like theres no tomorrow & everybody ends up in jail
GF: Hey babe, where are you? BF: I am at home about to sleep, I am really tired. Where are you? GF: In the club right behind you.
If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.
Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was
If we really wanted to slow down Iran’s nuclear scientists we’d introduce them to Angry Birds.
I put LOL, LMAO, LMFAO. But I sit there with a straight face.
I have found out the reason that women ask so many questions. They have an extra why chromosome.
You sent friend request , I accepted , We talked , We liked , We dated , We got commited , I loved , You cheated , I deleted 😛
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Mom & Dad: I know what you’re going through. I was a kid before too. Me: Ya, not in my generation.
HOS is a Figment of your imagination
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in, you may as well call it a land-line!
Being funny is like being a reality TV star; it’s just being stupid on command.
My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking 2012, I’ll rent a boat.
“Dude what did you get on question 16?” “Question 16…?” “Yeah on the back side” “MOTHER OF GOD THERE WAS A BACK SIDE!?”
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.
That “dammit” moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like “Now what do I do…?”
Never say “maybe” to a kid. All they hear is “I swear on my life that this will definitely happen.”
Everyone knows someone whose laugh is always funnier than the joke.
The lies people tell are rooted in a fear of being judged or rejected.
My Talents: Speed texting, procrastination, sarcasm, talking back & the ability to completely zone out in class.
It’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.
x² + y +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 18y – 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.
I always look behind the shower curtain before I go pee… you know, incase there is a murderer….
I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.
C.L.A.S.S = [C]ome [L]ate [A]nd [S]tart [S]leeping
I am glad friendship doesn’t come with price tags. If it did, I’d never afford someone as great as you.
Trying to find a song you heard on the radio by Googling a phrase from it.
Is doing something weird and thinking, this is why I’m not in a relationship.
When quiet people talk and you realize they are absolutely hilarious.
HOS is a Jedi. Obviously.
HOS is free falling!
HOS is everything you’re not.
Have you every hated someone so much that whenever you see them, your middle finger gets a boner?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…A few seconds ago · Comment · Like
HOS is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death
“Hey dad what’s it like having the greatest kid ever?” “I don’t know………ask your grandfather!”
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep
Strangers: “Excuse me please.” Family: “Can you move?” Best friends: “Get the hell out of my way bugger!”
“Page 404 Not Found” I wasn’t even looking for page 404.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I am not mean…. I am blunt, which means I will tell you the clear difference between a bit naive and really bold stupid.
Two Words.’I Hate maths.’
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
If you wake me up, and I don’t get angry… you must be pretty special.
I bought a great new holder for my apple and blackberry…
its called a fruit bowl
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head.”
Life isn’t about being impressive, it’s more like being expressive.
My Ex Texted Me: “I Miss You…” So I Replied: “We’re sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn’t give a damn.”