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My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
must be stored in a cool dry place away from sunlight.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
HOS hates the status quo.
Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
I am proud to come from a family of work-a-holics…..Every time someone mentions work, we all get drunk! ?
Life is really simple but sometimes we can make it complicate for no reason.
Facebook is where you lie to your friends. Twitter is where you’re honest with complete strangers.
HOS is what really sank the titanic.
Twitter turns 30 minutes of homework into 2 hours of homework.
I want a six month vacation. Twice a year.
Cant afford doctor, just go to the airport. You get a free xray and breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda and you get a free colonoscopy.
Do you want to earn money from Facebook? it is very simple. Go to setting page, deactivate your account and go out for work.
Dear makers of cherry medicine; Have you ever tasted a freaking cherry?
Everything in moderation. Except coffee, of course.
Nobody likes the guys that go to the gym to stare at themselves in the mirror.
You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.
So the new Titanic 3D is out………. Maybe they’ll see the freaking iceberg this time.
When life gives you lemons… find someone with a paper cut 🙂
I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
Whenever you are feeling down, remember, today you broke your personal record for days without dying!
Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
Some people act like they love me. And I act like I believe them.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
The awkward moment when your laugh comes out really loud & retarded.
a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.
5 minutes of extra sleep in the morning seriously does matter.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Taxes are basically just money you pay the government so they don’t put you in jail.
Am I the only one that when somebody says “10 years ago”, thinks about 90’s instead of 2002?
I’ll be there in 5 minutes…if not, read this again.
When you’re in a museum or something and there’s a “Don’t touch” sign. Challenge accepted.
Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.
I stay up late every night, and realize its a bad idea every morning.
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again. So live every day as if it’s your last!
Regular heart beat: __/_______/_______, When i almost drop my phone : _/_/_/_/_/_
Allow me to introduce my selves.
I should just change my voicemail greeting to: “Please hang up and text me, thanks.”
I heard you’re a player. Nice to meet you. I’m the coach.
You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.
“I live with no regrets.” “No, you live with your parents…”
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds
But now that I have a Facebook account I am over it
HOS is drinking beers with his peers
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD!
That awkward moment when someone starts acting drunk after 1 drink.
Dear crush: If your “shower brb” was intended to make me imagine you naked… mission accomplished.
HOS is playing Russian roulette with an automatic pistol
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Hey mom? WHAT! Nevermind you`re not in a good mood.
Believes in Karma. This means I can do bad things to people all day long and assume they deserve it.
It’s funny how we feel so much but we don’t say a word, we’re screaming inside but we can’t be heard.
If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s 12. If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near 40.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without saying “Thanks”, I am granted one attempt at trying to trip you.
I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work.
Let’s have a garden party, Lettuce Turnip the Beet.
When you want them, they don’t want you. When they want you, you don’t want them. When you both want each other, something messes it up.
I went for a job interview today and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job. I said The company relocated and didnt tell me where.
Since it started snowing all the wife has done is look through the window..Think it’s time I let her indoors.
HOS is connecting his drainage to your bath tub…
Awwwh look, my middle finger likes you!
Dear FB status message writes, there’s a difference between venting and begging for attention.
That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly but it looks wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning it’s existence.
When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you’ve done well.
That awkward moment when you try to make a silent fart, but you fail and it sounds like a BOMB 😀
The songs I like always come on when I am supposed to be getting out of my car!
I love homework. It fascinates me. I can sit for hours and just look at it.
I am in love with my bed, we’re perfect for each other! But my alarm clock just doesn’t seem to want us together.
My wife just dropped her keys & said “What’s WRONG with me?” & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.
That is not my picture on the wall! I got framed.
HOS is havingtrou blewithhis spacebar.
HOS is going around in circles
Keep it down kids… Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet!
I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.