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HOS is what really sank the titanic.
That once in a lifetime moment when Mom agrees to buy what you want without arguing!
That moment when you walk through a spider web, and suddenly turn into a karate master.
Holy shit! I almost sat down on the toilet without my phone!
It’s complicated, is just code for, “I am willing to cheat.”
I hate rhetorical questions. Don’t you?
Imagine if Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr and Facebook broke down at the same time. People might have to get real lives.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.
If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.
When you want them, they don’t want you. When they want you, you don’t want them. When you both want each other, something messes it up.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your music. When I am driving it scares the shit out of me.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
Did you know that iPads and iPhones float in water? Go on try it, I promise it’s true!
I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said “Yeah, pump 6.”
post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.
If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS
Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring? Well it’s hair, what did you expect?
Make the little things count …you want me to teach midgets math?
You were born as an original. Don’t die as a copy.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions… like I give a shit what they think.
When I sing with my headphones in I think, “Why don’t I have a record deal?”…Then I take them out and I know why.
HOS is throwing away happy tissues
Typing ‘LOL’ when your face has less expression than a brick.
HOS is looking at you naked (mood: disappointed)
I don’t run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.
Checking your phone to see what time it is and checking it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention
HOS is HD Ready
Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?
Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?
I hate it when I put my earphones in my pocket …10 minutes later I take them out & its like a damn Rubik’s cube!
Ahhh Friday… my second favorite “F” word!
OK, I`m getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9, ….
There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner.
Is doing something weird and thinking, this is why I’m not in a relationship.
Dear Bored of Education, So are we. Sincerely, students.
“Are you sleeping…?” “No… I always get into bed every night and just pretend I am dead.”
Dear boys who are Smart, Hot, Awesome and madly in love with me.. PLEASE START EXISTING.
LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “i have nothing else to say”.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I am so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say “Oh you smell good, what is that?” I say “Page 5”
Real men don’t cheat, real men don’t lie, real men don’t hit women, real men…. Where are you?
When the teacher writes a bunch of mathematical bullshit on the board and asks if there’s any questions.. “Yeah, what the hell is that?”
Some girls are so plastic That I expect to see a “Made In China” stamp on their neck.
I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.
slept like a baby last night. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
When I am single, all I see are couples being happy. When I am in a relationship, all I see are singles being happy.
That moment when someone says “Name a good song” and you forget all the songs that were ever made.
HOS is focus- Oh look, a squirrel!
“My memory is so bad” “How bad is it” “How bad is what?”
wonders if we ain’t meant to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?
You hate drama? Cool stop starting it then.
My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
That awkward moment when you think you’re talking to your friend but then realize you’re talking to a stranger beside you.
If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in amazing shape.
What if birds aren’t singing, they’re just screaming because they’re scared of heights?
It’s a shame that we live in a world were a random act of kindness is met with suspicion and paranoia.
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing….
really thinks you should get help
With the way I eat I should be at least 800 pounds.
“You’re like a coin.” “Awwww, valuable?” “No, two faced”
I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Don’t have kids until you’re so tired, you’re ready to have all your fun by proxy.
If it wasn’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t know any of my friends’ birthdays.
When leaving the pub I decided that I was in no condition to drive home.
But then I realised I couldn’t trust my judgment. I was drunk.
I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.
Friend: “You’re not the brightest crayon in the box.” Me: “LOL, I am not even “in” the box. I am the freaking highlighter man.”
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they don`t want it.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google or Wikipedia.
What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don’t want us to escape?
Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
Be amazing. Be good. Be pretty. Be strong. Be smart. Be cool. But the most important thing, be yourself.
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections – I let her talk.
That awkward moment when the same person you deleted off Facebook tries to add you again.
My friend Carlos got his car stolen. We just call him Los now.