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Dear Voldemort, they screwed up your nose too?! Sincerely, Michael Jackson.
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
D.R.A.M.A = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice!
If he’s dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.
That awkward moment when you’re the only one laughing and you can’t stop…
When the boss is away, work becoms a holiday.
No I am not crazy, I am normal with a splash of Awesome.
BAD GUYS IN MOVIES: But before I kill you, I wanna tell you this really long story, so you can be saved.
Dear guys, Please watch chick flicks. Sincerely, they are a step-by-step instruction manual on how to treat a girl.
When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos.
How can you know whether what people tell you is a fact or not? You can’t. Now that’s a fact.
Dear cellphone companies, please invent an “unsend my text” option. Sincerely, Everyone.
Good things come to those who wait but great things come to those who don’t just sit around waiting for shit to happen!
My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
I hate when I am watching my favorite show, And right when something good is about to happen.. “NEXT WEEK ON
I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an “unsend my drunk text” option.
I think I’ll change my name to ‘No One’ on Facebook. That way, when I add people, it will say ‘No One wants to be your friend.’
Dear Teacher, If the bell doesn’t dismiss me, then the bell doesn’t decide when I arrive… Case Closed.
If meat is murder, then milk is robbery.
Ever looked at your best-friend and thought “why aren’t we comedians?”
wants a hug
Did you get braces? Nah bro I am just chewing staples.
HOS is trying to get your attention with this damn message!
I’ve got that “Haven’t done shit all day, so why start now?” feeling.
That annoying voice your mom uses when she`s talking to babies.
How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with sub-woofers inside them?
I don’t wait for miracles to happen, because I am a miracle, and I amake things happen.
HOS is dazed and confused but liking it…
Girl: “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on earth!” Boy: “If I were the last person on earth, you wouldn’t be here!”
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Einstein: Genius mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: Never mind.
That risky naked trip…from the bathroom to your bedroom.
Where did you get those big eyes?
They came with the face.
HOS is marking his territory.
Don’t ask me questions you can Google. Thanks.
What to do when you’re wrong: A) Admit You’re Wrong. B) Make Adjustments. C) Move Along.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Sorry. I am not staring at you. I am daydreaming and you were in my way.
Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
Cool story bro, You should tell it to someone else.
Won employee of the month again! I love being self employed.
should be arrested for being awesome.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Im not a tease, I am just a reminder of something that you can’t have.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
Never trust anyone who says “I am not supposed to tell anyone but…”
Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea..
I hate it when teachers say “From all this talking, I assume you’re done.” From all this complaining, I assume you’re single.
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.
Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
I came home stoned last night and my wife looks at me says”Stoned Again” and I said “Me Too!!
I like sleeping, its like death without commitment.
That awkward moment when you are actually pulling a push door.
Teacher: Don’t get ready to walk away from my class, it’s still 30 seconds left!!
The awkward moment when someone you hate thinks their opinion is valid.
I am not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I am forgetting to do.
*ABRACADABRA*…………… Nope, you’re still a loser.
Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.
I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.
Lazy rule: As soon as I get under the covers, all of today’s responsibilities, become tomorrows problem.
Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!
Hearing a part of a song and thinking…”That’s definitely going to be my next Status”
During a test when the teacher passes by, you cover your answers with your hand so that the teacher cant see how stupid you are.
Dear food advertisments, no one eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.
Why do people say “Nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I am a jerk.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.
Will you go out with me? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b
If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS
I am bored of being bored cause being bored is boring.
I am not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
Nobody can make you happy until you’re happy with yourself first!