Am I the only
Am I the only one that wishes I had hot neighbors?
I Believe I Can Fly… well I did until gravity broke my leg.
TEACHER: “The test is very easy” ME: “Sure it is, you already know the answers”
I’ve been 18 since I was 10 just to join facebook 😀
Excuse me you have a little face on your make-up.
Will you go out with me? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Has anyone else wondered what they sound like to people who don’t speak English?
I might not be attractive, but I have a heart. Not that it matters in this society anymore.
When one door closes, another opens. Tell that to Josef Fritzl’s daughter.
Some Are Called Brave Because They Afraid to Run…
I love that kid that argues with the teacher and entertains the whole class.
When people see me at the supermarket & they are like: “Hey what are you doing here?”..I`m like, “Oh you know, hunting elephants.”
Crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can’t explain the pain you feel.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Use condoms today or buy diapers tomorrow.
If you’re talking about me behind my back that just means my life is obviously more interesting than yours!
“How old is your baby?” “36 months.” WHY CAN`T YOU JUST SAY 3 YEARS OLD?
Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you’re in public and it rings, it’s the most embarrassing moment of your life?
I laugh at my own jokes because I’m hilarious.
1600’s: “Oh Romeo, I am writing to inform you that I have recieved your letter & I’ve been left quite speechless.” 2012: “K.”
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions.
Math is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you.
Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…
GRANDPA: “Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!” ME: “No you go hide. I told her you were dead!”
Life isn’t about being impressive, it’s more like being expressive.
Feeling so good today. High five the person next to you and tell them it’s from me. ( ,)
Flies only live for 24 hours. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those buggers live forever!
“I wasn’t that drunk”, “DUDE! You jumped in the pipe screaming “MARIO! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Put “Talk You” in a sentence. A stoned man answered: Talk You is the capital of Japan!
I don’t want your boyfriend. Nobody wants your boyfriend. That’s why he’s with you.
If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June
How many times have you typed, “I am okay” while crying?
It’s not that I hate you… it’s just that if we were being chased by zombies, I would trip you.
Boy in my class: sneezes
Me: “Bless You.”
Rest of class: “So, how long have you two been dating?”
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.
That awkward moment when someone says “you two should go out”, when you actually do like the person.
My hobby is having no hobbies. Don’t ever ask me what my hobbies are again.
Everyone wants that “Damn they’re still together?!” type of relationship.
At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.
For all those who answer “how’s it going?” with “can’t complain”, please review your Facebook statuses!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sunflowers are yellow, I bet you were expecting something romantic, but no this is just gardening facts
Don’t text me while I am in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my whole message.
I hate when the teacher stands next to my desk while I am answering my exam.
1-5 Grade: “I want to go to Middle School” 6-8 Grade: “I want to go to High School!” 9-12 Grade: “I want to go back to Kindergarten!”
Spell-check is always write.
My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
HOS is eating the papers inside his books hoping that it will go straight to his brain
is coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf
That awkward moment when you don’t want to come out of your room because there are strangers in your house.
Birthdays 1998 – ‘Wow! Look at all these presents!’ … Birthdays now- ‘Wow! Look at all these notifications!’
I am off to watch Mission Impossible tonight.
Not the film, I have just bought my girl some slim fit jeans and I am going to make her try them on.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
thinks you are wasting her time
When I die I am gonna become a ghost & watch attractive people shower.
My resume is basically a list of things i hate to do.
That awesome moment when you and a stranger become friends when you both silently recognize the stupidity of another person.
When a girl is jealous, she is capable of doing better research than the FBI
Do deaf people get paranoid when farting in public?
There’s nothing worse than your foot falling asleep and having to stomp around like a dinosaur until it wakes up.
Growing old is manditory but growing up…well that my friends…is OPTIONAL!
Me: “Hurry, give me a shoe to kill the spider!” *Friend gives me my shoe* “Not “my” shoe!”
Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I am in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Before you marry someone, ask yourself, “will they be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?
So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog & said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.” “Im on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs.”
No mater what I do on the Computer, I always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
Philips has launched a monitor that tracks your posture. If you don’t sit up straight, your grandma Skypes in and yells, “Stop slouching!”
You’re multi-talented… you can talk and annoy me at the same time.
Learn to accept how people judge you, but never let it sink into your nerves especially when you know it’s not true.
That awkward moment when you tell someone that you’re going to bed when you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook/Twitter.