Am I the only
Am I the only one that wishes I had hot neighbors?
My Wife left me last week and I have suddenly released how true the phrase ‘You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone’ She took my Gameboy.
HOS is pretty fly for a white guy
says: Remember JESUS LOVES YOU… It’s everyone else who thinks you’re an idiot.
2 hour movie, 40 second making out scene… Guess which part your parents walk in on…..
Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
Bullying is for losers.
Do you know that feeling when you’re fully prepared for an exam?…. Me neither! 😀
The world is not full of stupid people. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.
Telling your parents stories about you and your friends but cutting out the inappropiate parts.
I’ll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you “Your gums wouldn’t bleed if you flossed more”.
They say money can’t buy you happiness…..guess they never heard about divorce.
The awkward moment when someone you hate thinks their opinion is valid.
Why I turn on the T.V? 10% to watch shows. 90% to use it as background noise so I feel less lonely while I’m on the internet.
Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer..
The Transitive Property of Sleep: Me = Human ; Human = Sleep ; Me = Sleep
Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You’re talking to birds and I am the one doing drugs?”
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil…we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain is an absolutely lethal combination.
I’m scared to close my eyes in the shower, because when I open them I don’t want a killer to be standing there.
Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.
Were you born on a highway?… Because that’s where most accidents happen.
HOS is Now in all good toy shops, batteries not included
I hate it when you’re eating cereal and the last 4 pieces are like “Catch me if you can”.
TEACHER: “The test is very easy” ME: “Sure it is, you already know the answers”
Boys insult each other, but they really don’t mean it. Girls compliment each other but they don’t mean it either.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up…so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now, smartypants?
Dear Girls, Bruno Mars may take 1 grenade for you but we take hundreds. Sincerely, the army.
HOS is processing please wait
I’d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Dear MTV, What the hell happened? Sincerely, Music.
HOS has issues. Would you care to listen?
Oh, you deleted me off Facebook. Is that your final revenge? What’s next you throw a fruit loop at the back of my head & expect it to hurt?
43 notifications later, I regret liking your status.
They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I’d feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.
Everyone knows someone whose laugh is always funnier than the joke.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling ‘Help! Shark!’. I just laughed, I knew that shark was not gonna help him.
A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.
My parents said I should watch less movies and read more. So I turned on the subtitles.
Trying to look like I am interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
What if April Fools’ Day doesn’t exist and its been the longest prank in History?
I am in a prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t run fast enough.
If your girlfriend claims that she never looks at your Facebook profile; Try changing your status to ‘Single’ and wait 3-5 minutes.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the trash bin…
I love it when you’re eating chips and the “crunching” is louder than the T.V.
Relationships are like mirrors. Who you choose to date is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I am smelling the milk before I drink it.
HOS thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
When I was little I would put my arms in my shirt and tell people I lost my arms.
Instead of LOL, try “LSIMHBIWFEFMTALOL” : Laughing silently in my head because it wasn’t funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud
HOS is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh, just not when he drops his pants.
We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.
wanted to kill the coolest person alive. But suicide’s a crime
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know
Honking at me won’t make the “no turn on red” sign change.
If swimming is such a good way to stay in shape… then explain whales.
“I am a wizard!” “Prove it.” “Sorry, no magic outside Hogwarts.”
C.L.A.S.S = [C]ome [L]ate [A]nd [S]tart [S]leeping
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me…
When your mind says “give up” hope whispers “one more try”.
HOS is wondering why people think they are invisible when they pick their noses in the car?
Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
HOS is not drunk, hes just exhausted from being up all night drinking
I wish you could block or unsubscribe people in real life.
Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, “I am what happened in Vegas”
Alcohol – Because no good story started with someone eating a salad.
FacebookÃ‚ Skype: Now Married People Can CheatÃ‚ Via Skype While Watering Their Crops on FarmVille.
I am not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours!
It’s funny how one text can change your entire mood.
Teacher: When was the Second World War fought? Me: From page 126 to page 143.
I am so disgusted with what happened at the German Grand Prix this weekend that Im protesting. I will not be buying a Ferrari from now on.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.