Sometimes I want to
Sometimes I want to go to another country just to be the new kid with the awesome accent.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, “How did you get in here?”
A smile never goes out of style. Wear yours every day.
Am I the only one who wants to say “Because you’re crazy” when the teacher says “Why do I hear voices?”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Has anyone else wondered what they sound like to people who don’t speak English?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Grades don’t measure intelligence, and age doesn’t define maturity.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Me- I got an A+! Mom- WTF, well done! Me- Do you know what WTF means? Mom- “Well That`s Fantastic!”.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
The hyphen in the word co-operation makes it seem like the letters can’t work together without help.
Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing!
You know your talented when you can untangle your headphones in the dark.
Dear Karma, I have a “friend” who is waiting for you to visit.
“I wasn’t that drunk”… “Dude, You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice”.
What’s the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got fat.
Strangers: “Excuse me please.” Family: “Can you move?” Best friends: “Get the hell out of my way bugger!”
Yawning is like our bodies way of saying 15% battery left.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
I am pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Why am I the weird one for browsing through your pictures? You’re the one who uploaded over a thousand pictures of yourself.
I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake – I was tripping all night.
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight! So I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the kettle to boil…
“I need to study!” *Opens book* . “I don’t feel like studying.” *Closes book*
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: ‘Thanks for coming.’
Just dropped my iPod in a glass of apple juice. The irony is killing me.
I’m not addicted to Facebook. The only time I update my status is when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Things to do today: 1.Dig a hole 2. Name it love 3. Watch people fall in love
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Its funny how enemies seem to stick around longer than friends.
Google knows things about me my therapist never will.
By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
‘s neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dummy, I can still see him.
Does anyone else… Charge their phone 5 minutes before they leave to go somewhere… thinking it will make a difference?
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
“police, open up!” “no, you’re gonna yell at me” .__.
Exaggeration, without it the world would end.
Don’t you love the kid in class who asks the teacher stupid questions just to waste time.
I wish my grades smoked . . . . . they would get higher!
If you don’t do stupid things while your’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”
Taxes are basically just money you pay the government so they don’t put you in jail.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur!!
Dont cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.
You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
If I ever become a teacher, I am stapling McDonald’s application to every failed test.
HOS is frickin awesome! ‘Nough Said.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Don’t you hate it when people judge when they don’t even know you?
Insert coin to view my status message.
Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I am still alive.
No one dies a virgin. life screws us all!
That disgusting moment when you’re in school and you touch a peice of gum under your desk by mistake.
What if birds aren’t singing, they’re just screaming because they’re scared of heights?
I am not shy, I am holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
If God is the DJ, then life is the dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music.
When Facebook asks what’s on your mind? Where are you? Who are you with? I can’t help but wonder, ‘Mom is that you?’
Music seems to be the only thing that understands me, and where I can express what I’m feeling
“All guys are the same” .. Damn girl, Who told you to try so many?
says Not only do I not know what’s going on, but I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
That depressing feeling you get when your friends are absent from school.
Excuse me you have a little face on your make-up.
That moment when you instantly have karate moves when a bee flys by.
Admit It. When you shut the lights off in the basement, you get out of there…fast.
Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it.
Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you’re forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.
Don’t let anyone’s hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the weirdo you strive to be.
Hit me. Get hurt. Hit my friends. You DIE.