Sometimes I want to
Sometimes I want to go to another country just to be the new kid with the awesome accent.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Don’t get pissed off when your neighbor has loud music on at 2 am. Call him up at 4 am and tell him how much you loved it.
Anger is the condition where the tongue works faster than the mind. So hold it, before you regret the words you say.
When people say they can’t think straight, do they think in bends?
That moment when you instantly have karate moves when a bee flys by.
That satisfaction of slipping through a closing door because you have the agility of 1000 ninjas.
I came to the house soaking wet and I am greeted by “Is it Raining?” Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk…. DUH!
We all have 10 fingers. INDEX to point out, RING for marriage, THUMBS for approval, PINKIES for swears, & the MIDDLE one is just for you!
HOS is terrified of being offline
Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
I’ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver!
Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…
Assets are proof that men can focus on 2 things at once.
I just want less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Q: Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A: One sells watches and one watches cells.
wonders whether he’ll ever see psychedelic cowboy boots
I never understand why people take pictures of themselves giving the finger… Seriously, was the camera mean to you or something?
There is only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors & Patients.
If you’re going my way, I’ll walk with you
Boy: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body? Girl: Looks at him from head to toe- Your sense of humor.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
School is POINTLESS. English: We speak it. History: They’re dead, get over it. Math: We have calculators. Spanish: We have Dora.
Temple run = A pointless game thats “very” addicting.
Dear Puzzle Piece, Now you fit… Sincerely, Scissors
When you judge me without knowing me, you do not define me, you define yourself.
I don’t mind people sneezing in public. It’s that “Pre-sneeze face” they make that scares the hell out of me.
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
If she has 500 likes and 500 comments on a picture, what’s missing? Her clothes.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.
When i was young i used to listen to the radio all day long just to record my FAVORITE song of ALL time.
What if April Fools’ Day doesn’t exist and its been the longest prank in History?
Used To Be Schizophrenic? But They’re OK Now.
Dear FB status message writes, there’s a difference between venting and begging for attention.
I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
People varnish, people die, people laugh & people cry, some give up, some try, some say hi & some say bye, that’s how life is.
It’s a shame that we live in a world were a random act of kindness is met with suspicion and paranoia.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Have you seen the new movie “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet.
Can’t pronounce Menu item… Don’t order it.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone & my power goes out.
I’d like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought Voldemort was ugly, but then I saw you!
Think before you speak, Google before you post.
Alcohol – Because no good story starts with “So this one time, I was eating a salad”
That mini heart attack you get when someone says, “Oh, I heard something about you.”
98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%
It’s not the same without me. It’s just sa.
Life isn’t about being impressive, it’s more like being expressive.
is trying to sell a useless set of feelings
Dear McDonald’s cashier, Don’t give me that look, there’s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don’t forget the toy.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome!
That awkward moment when you realize you kept talking after the call dropped out.
I am used but in good condition
A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like “What are you doing here?
You can drown in two inches of water. I am not reciting facts, I am making suggestions.
Dear Family: Just because I am laughing when I am reading a text, does not mean I am flirting with someone.
Dear Haters, thanks for keeping my name in every conversation of yours.
Ek aadmi ki wife mar gayi, Dost ussko chup karaane ke baad: Tujhe kuch chahiye? Admi: Jaldi laptop le aa Dost:Kyun? Admi: Facebook pe status change karna hai..
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
I work as a waiter and love it when people ask How do you prepare the chicken? I always reply- We tell it straight, you gonna die
I don’t always wake up early without an alarm, But when I do, it’s a weekend.
No mater what I do on the Computer, I always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
Me all school year: When is summer?
Me during summer: Ok, now what.
You might want to come inside… Plastic melts in the sun.
A truthful man doesn’t need a good memory, but a lair does.
Smartphones…The best thing to happen to shitting since the newspaper.
24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not!
WHEN YOUR MOM THINKS You have a attitude but all you did was answer her question.
Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.
Some Are Called Brave Because They Afraid to Run…
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
Reading through the exam and thinking, “When the HELL did we learn this”