There s that little
There’s that little bit of you that secretly thinks you’ll be famous some day.
is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?
My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
Wow, I haven’t seen you since that time I hoped I’d never see you again.
I just fully realised that the word “fruit” in “froot loops” is spelled wrong.
I keep my room messy so that if someone tries to kill me they’ll trip over and die
Air Bags: your car’s attempt of trying to cheer you up after an accident by giving you surprise balloons.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
Don’t get me mad and then tell me to calm down, it’s like shooting someone and telling them to stop bleeding.
s grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
When I say “there’s nothing to eat”…. I mean there’s nothing I like.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I am getting tired of running and he’s catching up to me
Approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, “Security”.
It’s Google’s birthday? Yahoo!
I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
I am not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I am forgetting to do.
HOS is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
HOS is pondering on incoherent thoughts that pertain to this abstract dilemma
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.
Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.
I wish my grades smoked . . . . . they would get higher!
You can’t have everything….where would you put it?
Doing the I’m thinking really hard face when the teacher looks at you.
How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G.
HOS is filmed in front of a live studio audience
Don’t judge me for my past, I don’t live there anymore.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that you’re not really friends with them?
If someone has something bad to say about you, it’s probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
HOS is everything you’re not.
Everyone has three lives; a public life, a private life, and a secret life.
That moment when you walk through a spider web, and suddenly turn into a karate master.
Emergency call: “911, What is your emergency?” “Two girls are fighting over me!” “So what’s the problem sir?” “The ugly one is winning…”
Teacher: When was the Second World War fought? Me: From page 126 to page 143.
I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “why aren’t you wearing pants” look.
To cut a long story short………
You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger!
HOS is launching a nuclear missile!
I wish mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
Do You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
Don’t try to understand everything. Because sometimes it’s not meant to be understood, but to be accepted.
Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, close your eyes, dark, isn’t it?
I changed all my passwords to incorrect . So whenever I forget, it will tell me Your password is incorrect.
If swimming is such a good way to stay in shape… then explain whales.
I can’t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool stuff I find.
In school- Teacher: “Is that a phone!?” Me: “No. It’s my calculator.”
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I nearly killed a cyclist.
You choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance you will be correct? A. 25% B. 50% C. 60% D. 25%
That awkward moment when you accidentally answer a call you were trying to ignore.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
Has anyone noticed that the texts you’re trying to cancel always send faster?
Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!
Girl: Why are you sending me blank Text Messages? Boy: Because I am not talking to you…
Men are like computers. In order to get their attention, you need to turn them on.
HOS says my computer just beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Word of Advice: If a cop pulls you over and says: You drinking? Never respond with: Wanna Join?
Call me an artist, I draw attention.
Love yourself, there’s nobody in the world quite like you.
Not enough dressing on my salad! … Now my salad tastes like Salad!
To reduce weight: first turn your head left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you’re offered something to eat.
That awkward moment when you wait for a text but then you realize you’re the one that didnt reply.
HOS is processing please wait
The worst thing about censorship is ??????????????
I am who I am. You can say whatever you want about me. I won’t change. Your approval isn’t needed nor wanted.
I like the people who can keep the conversation going, no matter how random the topics get.
HOS is normal..it’s everyone else that’s weird.
If you want to look young and skinny stand next to a bunch of fat old people.
Facebook needs a shut your mouth button!
HOS is holding the world for ransom
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.
My life is based on a true story.
Facebook is a woman. A man would never ask, What’s on your mind?
Officer: Anything you say will be held against you. Me: TITS!!!
TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
If men are from Mars, then why can’t we send them back?