If you re ever
If you’re ever mugged by someone just scream “SWIPER NO SWIPING” at them and they’ll have to stop.
“Mom, make me some food?” “Get it yourself.” “Nevermind, I am not hungry.”
My brother commanded me to get him either a Blackberry or an iPhone on his birthday. So I gave a him a little bit of both, a Black-i
Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it’s not like we’re real friends and hang out everyday.
When I say “whatever”, I really mean; I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get beaten by a shark,and then eaten by it.
Yes I am single. Youre gonna have to be amazing to change that.
HOS is above the influence.
A quick message to all who sent me good wishes for christmas last year, they didn’t work, so this year may I have vouchers and alcohol please?
wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, “Say hello to my little friend.”
“I had a dream about you.”…”Awwwwww really?”…”Yeah, you died.”
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
says Judge me all you want… just keep the verdict to yourself
When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.
When someone really loves you, they don’t have to say it. You can always know it by the way they treat you.
HOS is also available on Blu-ray!
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
The best part about getting a package is being able to pop the bubble wrap after you open it.
Lying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if it’s worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning.
Sometimes when I’m alone, I lie on the floor and pretend I’m a carrot
says Too many freaks, not enough circuses
Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor…
I am who I am. You can say whatever you want about me. I won’t change. Your approval isn’t needed nor wanted.
I can multi-task. I can talk and piss you off at the same time…. What can I say? It’s a gift.
I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read â€” iDead…
The awkward moment when a software engineer falling from the roof of a building and is shouting “F1 F1 F1” instead of “help help help”.
I will do anything humanly impossible to reach the remote, without getting up.
“Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.”
I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
You look like I need another drink!
I am on a seafood diet.. I see food and then i eat it.
HOS is back for the first time
Jack has 32 chocolate bars. He eats 28 of them. What does Jack have now? Diabetes, Jack has diabetes.
A realtor called asking if I am interested in selling my house. I am interested in my neighbor selling his, so I booked him an appointment.
Has anyone noticed that the texts you’re trying to cancel always send faster?
If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It’s only fair
Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don’t!
My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological… She was a freaking psycho and I was logical.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
Wow! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
I am such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Dear 3 am, we’ve got to stop meeting this way… I’d much rather sleep with you.
It’s so annoying when I am about to take a great photo and somebody calls my phone.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
A wise man once said, “To be old and wise, first you have to be young and stupid”
This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, (at least) one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull!
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up…..
When I am supposed to be studying, even staring at a wall becomes fun.
Dear food, either stop being delicious or stop making me fat.
Alcohol doesn’t agree with me … it thinks my wife is attractive
Here’s to the kids who have their own concerts in their room.
A kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
HOS is everything you’re not.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is broken
Tell a girl she’s beautiful a million times and she’ll never believe you. Call her ugly once, and she’ll never forget it.
People varnish, people die, people laugh & people cry, some give up, some try, some say hi & some say bye, that’s how life is.
I wonder how many kids would be failing school if it wasn’t for Google, and who would be passing if it wasn’t for Facebook.
Roses are dead, Violets are dead, I am a disaster at gardening.
When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there!
Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!
Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Facebook is like a fridge, you know there is nothing new, but you check it anyway.
That awkward moment when spelling is so important that it changes everythong.
Dear Parents, thanks for the weird name. Sincerely, My Name Is Never On Those Customized Keychains.
HOS is selling his soul for a bag of skittles
I find the most time consuming part of taking my dogs for a walk is having to clean the shit off the treadmill.
Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.
Can’t get your homework done “with” the internet it and can’t get your homework done “without” it.
It’s not you, it’s me. I just don’t like myself when I am around you.
I get annoyed when I solve a hard math problem to find out later that answer is 0.
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I’ve got to say that I am pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
The worst thing about censorship is ??????????????
HOS is pretty fly for a white guy
It’s ok to kiss a fool. It’s ok to let a fool kiss you. But never let a kiss fool you.
When you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you will have more opportunities.
If I ever become rich and famous, I won’t forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.