If you re ever
If you’re ever mugged by someone just scream “SWIPER NO SWIPING” at them and they’ll have to stop.
HOS can ride their bike with no handle bars
HOS is Joe the plumber
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I Would delete you, if I didn’t have to keep the numbers up on my friends list, to impress my other friends.
I don’t have a type, it’s simple, if I like you then I like you.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”
says Not only do I not know what’s going on, but I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
Study for 10 minutes. Reward self with 3 hours of pointless internet use.
is riding a pink giraffe wearing her underpants and a top hat
You cant buy happiness….but you can buy icecream. Good Enough!
Does Lady Gaga dress up as a normal person on Halloween?
*At the gym. Boy starts doing sit ups.* BOY: “1… 2… 3.” *Hot girl walks by.* BOY: “153…154…155.”
Teacher: “You failed the test.” Me:”You failed to educate.”
Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.
I wish my phone never ran out of battery and my fridge never ran out of food.
I am not rude…I just wasn’t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can’t stand.
Tell a girl she’s beautiful a million times and she’ll never believe you. Call her ugly once, and she’ll never forget it.
I don’t have a pet, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won’t even chase the laser pen.. It’s got 8 eyes so I know he sees it.
I am like your virginity, Once I am gone, you aren’t getting me back.
It’s funny how you keep checking your phone like someone loves you. They don’t.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
You Know you’re addicted to Twitter If Before you go out and do something fun, you think about how you can tweet about it!
HOS is aware of how pathetic you actually are!
If I was a superhero I would choose the ability to see through glass
If you can’t take a joke.. don’t walk around looking like one.
“K” = the most powerful way to piss someone off while texting.
That frustrating moment when you know exactly what something means but not how to explain it.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
R.I.P Facebook! Murdered by Spam, Grandparents, Parents, Shoe selling models, Jordan Heels, and fake Bin Ladin ads!
Next time someone gets in your face and says, “Anytime. Anywhere.” Just say, “Yemen. 7 years from now.”
My favorite memories have one thing in common… You’re in every one.
It’s funny how we feel so much but we don’t say a word, we’re screaming inside but we can’t be heard.
If you’re talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass!
Since it started snowing all the wife has done is look through the window..Think it’s time I let her indoors.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
“I wasn’t that drunk!” “Dude…you were yelling ‘Come at me Bro!’ to the mirror.”
Have fun, is just a nicer phrase for “have a horrible time without me.”
“I Love My Wife” bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
“How old is your baby?” “36 months.” WHY CAN`T YOU JUST SAY 3 YEARS OLD?
I’ve never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction. They just show up.
Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.
Showers: I never want to get in and I never want to get out.
HOS is a Jedi. Obviously.
“It’s hot in here!” “Sorry, Should I leave?”
If Twitter & Facebook were school subjects my parents would be so proud of me.
I can read Spanish, German, Italian, and French…so long as it’s written in English.
When I text someone and they don’t text me back, I automatically assume that they probably fainted from excitement.
When you bust open a packet of strepsils… suddenly everyone has a bad throat
I wish my eyes could take pictures.
You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, where as memories break us.
HOS is Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected the expected
Ladies, the reason you can’t find a kind, sensitive and handsome boyfriend is because they already have boyfriends.
When i die don’t write “R.I.P” on my grave write “B.R.B”
Has anyone else wondered what they sound like to people who don’t speak English?
When I die, i’m gonna donate my body to science……..fiction!!
I can’t wait for the day when I can say, “Remember Twitter?”
Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, Tumblr is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the toilets.
Ways To Get Me Mad: Get halfway into a story then say “nevermind”.
Lazy rule: As soon as I get under the covers, all of today’s responsibilities, become tomorrows problem.
Wanna hear a joke? Our relationship.
At a four way stop, it’s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
says What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
My Chinese friend died last week. So Yung.
HOS is like that and that’s the way it is
If showing your body makes you modern, then, animals are more modern than humans!
I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could drown you in them.
My son informed me that they no longer call it “Old School” It’s now known as “Lame”. If he wasn’t my kid, I’d have thrown my Walkman at him
Dear inventors of Tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?
For some reason, my nose only itches when my hands are busy carrying stuff…
HOS is free falling!
The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.