I wish I was
I wish I was you so I could hang around with me.
Dear ladies, I could remove 90% of your “beauty” with a wet towel.
Dear teacher , If my hand wasn’t raised it means I don’t know the answer. Sincerely, picking me up is a sign of foolishness.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine!
Google, I don’t know you, but you are indeed the best teacher I’ve ever had.
About a year ago they began saying tweet this & tweet that so naturally I assumed bird watching fanatics were on the rise. Damn you twitter!
Before you marry someone, ask yourself, “will they be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?
Dear ‘K’, you should get arrested for killing conversations.
I laugh at my own jokes because I’m hilarious.
Do you like her/him? Yeah! Then stop reading this and go tell her/him.
sometimes, not remembering may be the better way God has chosen for us.
You hate drama? Cool stop starting it then.
When i was young i used to listen to the radio all day long just to record my FAVORITE song of ALL time.
HOS is filmed in front of a live studio audience
Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don’t know what he looks like.
I am not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
Don’t call me crazy… I much prefer the term “mentally hilarious”
You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, where as memories break us.
What if the Mayan calendar ends in 5105 and we’ve just been holding it upside down?
My room isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display like a museum.
Deleting your facebook is like running away from home. You are just doing it for attention and you’ll be back in an hour.
If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.
says Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
If by ‘studying’ you mean ‘drinking with friends,’ then yes I will study.
Be who you are and don’t apologize. Life is too short to do it any other way.
77% of girls think they’re ugly. 52% of girls think they’re fat. 100% of society should stop insulting girls for their appearances.
A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once, bloody goldfish died.
The 3 most common lies on the internet: 1) I have read and agreed to the terms of service. 2) Status: Offline. 3) I am over 18.
Excuse me, here`s your nose…..I found it in my business.
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
If it goes without saying, why the hell are you still talking?
Do they still make the Porsche 911? If so, shame on them!
HOS is listed as in a relationship with his blackberry device…
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. Be careful ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
When quiet people talk and you realize they are absolutely hilarious.
Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don’t want anything, then they start to eat your fries
is now on two diets…because she was still hungry after just one
Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future.
thinks that it is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console
Worst Passwords of 2011: “kimswedding”… Too short & not strong enough.
Sometimes when I’m alone, I lie on the floor and pretend I’m a carrot
The awkward moment when your foot falls asleep so you just stomp around like a dinosaur.
My Ex Texted Me: “I Miss You…” So I Replied: “We’re sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn’t give a damn.”
Nothing is scarier than having 5 missed calls from your mom.
“Why were you late?” “Cause the bell rang before I got here.”
MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I am gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?
Facebook is like boys. Once you understand them, they change.
“You’re so lazy.” “No, I am not. I’ve been converting oxygen into… carbon dioxide all day.”
Dear inventors of Tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?
Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
Things people say when a movie finishes in the theaters. 5% Awesome movie. 5% that was great acting. 90% I gotta pee!
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Dear Haters, thanks for keeping my name in every conversation of yours.
Facebook is like a fridge, you know there is nothing new, but you check it anyway.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven’t died yet.
I don’t understand fast food.
I have been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.
Insert coin to view my status message.
That awkward moment when you think someone was waving at you, so you wave back, then play it off like you were just scratching your head.
I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and sheer lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time.
WoW! You’ve dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? How brave! Now, I’ll have a number 3, no cheese, extra Jalapenos & diet Pepsi to go with it.
Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.
Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
I still let my phone ring a few times before answering, when a person I am interested in calls, so I seem busy.
At night, I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.
HOS believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you’ve been doing since you were 15.
I understand people talk behind my back… and the thing is, I am real and thats something they lack.
If you learn from your mistakes, you must be freaking genius.
The better person you become, the better person you will attract.
A man a word .A woman a dictionary.
Now I lay down in my bed, I pray the Lord protect my head. For if out of my bed I fell, My head would hurt and start to swell.
Back when I was a kid, The only ‘fake’ friends I had were invisible ones.
What have the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic Got in Common?
Icy Dead People.
FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.