What if your webcam
What if your webcam was on right now and broadcasting in times square?
The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there’s nothing you can’t do. – Tommy Smothers
dear Santa, let me explain…
Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?
If you’re a 90’s kid, you’re not really a kid anymore.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.
HOS is intended for mature audiences only. Viewer discretion is advised.
if you watch the titanic backwards its about a magical boat that comes together to save people from icebergs
I am the type of person who laughs at a joke for 3 times: 1) when it was told. 2) when it was explained. 3) when I finally get it.
On Sunday nights, if you listen closely, you can hear Monday taunting you with the Jaws theme.
That moment when you have so much work to do, you decide to take a nap instead.
That awkward moment when someone’s staring at your keyboard while you’re typing your password.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Ladies… if you’ve ever accidentally called a fax machine… you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
Got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Why do my kids think me answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
says: Turns out I’m not a Jedi after all
I hate when a girl tells me ” I wish I could find a guy just like you”.. DUDE…I am the guy…what the hell is JUST LIKE ME!
The ideal man goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble and doesn’t exist.
If you tickle my feet, I am not responsible for what happens to your face.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.
That moment when you have so much to do, but you decide to take a nap instead.
Eat well, stay fit, Die anyways. Whats the point?
Difference between male & female is… Walking through the animal barns, the female begins ranking animals for cuteness and males rank them for deliciousness.
Ok, I am gonna study NOW – 3 hours LATER – Okay , I am gonna study now. SERIOUSLY.
If I stand on my tiptoes, I can see the weekend from here!
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
HOS is thinking whether he might think of what he is going to think about
now available in widescreen.
To everyone finishing university this week, congratulations on your degree!And welcome to unemployment.
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.
You should introduce your upper lip to your lower lip sometime and shut up!
I hate those moments where I know something isn’t right, but I don’t know what went wrong.
You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.
“I am a wizard!” “Prove it.” “Sorry, no magic outside Hogwarts.”
Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA!
“Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.”
All the Auto-Tune in the world will never ever sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.
Some people don’t poop, crap just comes out of their mouth 24/7.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy beer, and that is pretty darn close.
They say that George Washington never told a lie. History would be different if he had to read the – terms and conditions
I never understand why people take pictures of themselves giving the finger… Seriously, was the camera mean to you or something?
Every new McDonald’s creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
HOS is an escaped mental patient with a history of violence
That awkward moment when you tell someone that you’re going to bed when you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook/Twitter.
I’m sorry; I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy moving on with my life so hang up and don’t call back again
Ladies stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job..
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee!
is thinking about doing something. Now just got to think what that something will be!!!
Waking up in the morning and checking my Twitter like its the morning paper.
There’s only one thing you can do to combat a liar; stop believing and start leaving.
If someone has something bad to say about you, it’s probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
Lazy Rule 237: No shower is needed, if you are not going anywhere.
They always put ”For best before date: see side of pack” on groceries.
Why can’t they just put the date there?
I’m a girl. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I dream big. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying.
If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.
ME: I think I’ll go to bed now. INTERNET: HAHAHAH no.
Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. I am immortal.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
The only reason I love sleeping so much, is because my life has a tendency to fall apart when I am awake…
I hate it when someone I don’t like says something funny.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
friend: HEY YOU`RE BLOCKING THE VIEW! me: I am the view.
HOS had a handle on life but it broke
That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you says I’m so fat. and you stand there like ‘Really?’
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.
“Who’s your bestfriend?” ME: “Food.”
When my parents are asleep, Me- “Shh! they`re sleeping” … When I am asleep Parents- “Let`s vacuum the house for 3 hours”.
They say money can’t buy you happiness…..guess they never heard about divorce.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me… I need smarter friends