What if your webcam
What if your webcam was on right now and broadcasting in times square?
“I Love My Wife” bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
Facebook is a woman. A man would never ask, What’s on your mind?
If more females would sit down and be ladies, then more males would stand up and be gentleman.
I’m not addicted to Facebook. The only time I update my status is when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Dear crush, I exist.
Thank you for reading this, I have officially wasted your precious time.
The awkward moment when you ask a sales lady for help, and she turns out to be a customer.
Dear makers of cherry medicine; Have you ever tasted a freaking cherry?
wonders if fish ever get thirsty?
You’re angry at me for that? That’s cool, just let me know when you grow up.
I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.
HOS is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
says Too many freaks, not enough circuses
If you don’t like me, that is your problem..If I don’t like you..ummm still your problem!
FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.
Admit it, At some point in your life, you stuck a ball up your shirt and pretended you were pregnant.
Heres to boys who know more facts about their favorite band than the history of their country.
Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.
You know you are getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
I am the type of person who laughs at a joke for 3 times: 1) when it was told. 2) when it was explained. 3) when I finally get it.
Dear ex. Damn, I miss you. Next time, will take a better aim. *loads the shotgun*
If only updating status burned calories :/
I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”
Dear person in the mascot outfit, do you smile when people take your picture? Sincerely, curious.
I am not single, I am romantically challenged.
If I stand on my tiptoes, I can see the weekend from here!
Einstein: Genius mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: Never mind.
Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same.
Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through it.
I think I was mistaken when my boss told me she liked to see me hard at work.
About a year ago they began saying tweet this & tweet that so naturally I assumed bird watching fanatics were on the rise. Damn you twitter!
HOS knows when you are sleeping, knows when you’re awake
I sometimes fall asleep while…
GF: Hey babe, where are you? BF: I am at home about to sleep, I am really tired. Where are you? GF: In the club right behind you.
Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
If you keep looking back at the one who doesn’t deserve you, you may miss the one you deserve.
Education is a progressive discovery of your own ignorance.
Admit It. When you shut the lights off in the basement, you get out of there…fast.
I am not fat! I’m just so hot it’s overflowing
Waking up in the morning and checking my Twitter like its the morning paper.
is trying to sell a useless set of feelings
I hate how some boyfriends just assume that when his girl is angry, she must be on her period. No, Maybe Your just a jerk!
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home.
Fat person: “I am not fat I am big boned!” Me: “Uhhmm bones don’t jiggle “
That angry moment when your internet disconnects during an important conversation.
Let’s have a garden party, Lettuce Turnip the Beet.
Why do I always forget how to talk when leaving a voice-mail?
I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Dear teacher, you control my grades, how I talk, and my clothes? You went too far trying to control my bladder. Sincerely, Students.
If Twitter & Facebook were school subjects my parents would be so proud of me.
If showing your body makes you modern, then, animals are more modern than humans!
I like to go up to my wife’s twin sister and say “i know what you look like naked”.
Just remember, karma has everybody’s address.
HOS is back for the first time
Once Upon A Time…. I used to sleep. Then this thing called “Facebook” happened…..
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”
Fakeer: Baaji bhooka hu, khana khila do. Baaji: khana abhi nahi paka. Fakeer: Baaji facebook pe baba vela ke naam se hu, pak jaaye to wall pe update kar dena.
Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.
A) A job that’s fun. B) A job that’s legal. C). A job that pays well. Choose two! 😉
When I sing with my headphones in I think, “Why don’t I have a record deal?”…Then I take them out and I know why.
“Did you get a haircut?” “No, I got into a fight with the lawnmower and the lawnmower won.”
If laughing was a sport, I’d be fit.
I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I’ve got just about enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.
When quiet people talk and you realize they are absolutely hilarious.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.
HOS has let the dogs out
Winking at someone can either be really cute or really creepy…
C.L.A.S.S = [C]ome [L]ate [A]nd [S]tart [S]leeping
After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died yesterday. We won’t see the likes of him again.
I hate getting flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up… cause, you know… I am still looking for ideas.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn’t want to be me when that happens.
When I text someone and they don’t text me back, I automatically assume that they probably fainted from excitement.
What time is it?.. There’s a clock right there. “DID I ASK YOU WHERE THE CLOCK WAS?“