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Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you…… And me..
When I call my parents, and they don’t answer it’s no big deal but when they call me and i dont answer its like world war III.
Who else becomes super strong when you have to bring in groceries, because you don’t wanna take 2 trips.
I read “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” in 4 hours yesterday. I know it’s only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.
“Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
P.M.S. = [P]repare to [M]eet [S]atan
I don’t hate you, but if you were on fire and i had water, i’d drink it.
I am so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say “Oh you smell good, what is that?” I say “Page 5”
Sorry, Facebook: I can’t really tell you what’s on my mind… I have him on my friendslist.
When I drop my phone, I act like I’ve let a new born baby slip through my hands.
That awkward moment when you don`t understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.
There’s nothing worse than your foot falling asleep and having to stomp around like a dinosaur until it wakes up.
You’ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can’t reach it.
Ladies stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job..
Dear Edward Cullen: So you stay young forever & sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original. Sincerely, Peter Pan.
If at first you don’t sucseed….succeedd….suxeedd…sucks…..oh I give up!
Funny Homeless Sign: Why live in a $100k home when I can live under a three million dollar bridge?
HER: Oh my God! I lost 2 kilograms! Guy: Great, you finally took off your makeup!
HOS is so vein he probably thinks this status is about him
For some reason “ASAP” sounds a lot more demanding than writing out “as soon as possible.”
HOS is peeing in your Garden
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one!
wishes the voices in his head would quit singing off-key
Shh.. Do you hear that? “What? I heard nothing.” Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.
Me and my girlfriend have been together so long now that we finish each other’s sentences. Usually with the phrase: Shut the F up.
Your gift was a heartwarming reminder of what thoughtless bastards the rest of my friends are.
Won employee of the month again! I love being self employed.
My math teacher acused me of cheating, I cant help that the english teacher is more hot.
Shitday, shitday, shitday, shitday, Friday! Saturday! Sunday! and shitday again.
Don’t have kids until you’re so tired, you’re ready to have all your fun by proxy.
Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…
If you want to look young and skinny stand next to a bunch of fat old people.
That awkward moment someones comment on your Facebook status has
more likes than the actual status.
It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake anyone up.
Dear whoever is reading this, you’re beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.
To everyone finishing university this week, congratulations on your degree!And welcome to unemployment.
I am suprised you’ve not choked on all that Bullshit coming out of your mouth.
I just want an honest Relationship. No lies. No mind games. No cheating.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I will ever get to yoga.
Remember when you were little & you used to point at the characters on the screen & yell, “I am THAT one!”
Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.
No matter how many times you wish on 11:11, toss coins and cross fingers. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen
What’s all the fuss about prisoners having the vote?
It’s just one bunch of criminals electing another.
Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K.
Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack
HOS is not doing what Simon says
If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?
That awkward moment when you think the teacher is looking at you but really she’s looking at the person behind.
Oh, I am a few minutes late to class? Please, stare at me like I just killed five people.
Being fat is like a trophy for all of the awesome food you ate.
Little girl asked her father,do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? The father replied, No, some begin with – If elected I promise..
You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
Ignorant? I don’t know the meaning of the word!
If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.
Pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled “Tiger’s 18 Favorite Holes”, and the damn thing is about GOLF!
If you don’t do stupid things while your’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
I’m currently making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, you’re one of them…
If you’re too cool for school…then practice saying “Would you like fries with that?”
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood..
I’ve always wondered why “W” is called Double U when it`s clearly Double V..
If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s 12. If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near 40.
Ways To Get Me Mad: Get halfway into a story then say “nevermind”.
“Dude, you were so drunk you kept falling over…” “No I wasn’t, I was breakdancing!”
I have just signed a sixty grand a week contract to play for Chelsea next season. Just need to get them to sign it now.
Well behaved women barely make history.
HOS is a Jedi. Obviously.
Biggest and most common lie a nurse tells: “The doctor will be right in.”
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?
I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an “unsend my drunk text” option.
American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.
Heres to boys who know more facts about their favorite band than the history of their country.
OMG, weekends should be longer than 2 days! “Yeah. So should your relationships.”
87% of young people have back pain. The other 13% have no computer.
Be happy in front of people who don’t like you, it kills them.
Apple is coming out with a new App in China, it’s called, “The iOpener.”