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Pretty face gets attention. Pretty heart gets commitment.
Out of all the gifts I received, my favorite, by far, were the gift receipts.
says Not only do I not know what’s going on, but I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
This is not a competition! -People who are losing.
If you love someone, let them go before they ruin your life.
Math is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you.
Make peace with your past, enjoy your present, and hope for your future.
Kidnapping? I prefer term “surprise adoption”.
5 Rules of Happiness 1. Don’t Hate 2. Don’t Worry 3. Give More 4. Expect Less 5. Live Simply!
Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”
When everyone says give up, hope says ‘try again’.
Your relationship status is only official if its been updated on Facebook.
If your mind is so closed, why is your mouth so open?
Don’t waste your damn time telling me I am not funny! if you’re stupid & can’t see the UNFOLLOW button, i can clearly see the BLOCK button!
What have the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic Got in Common?
Icy Dead People.
HOS has just finished installing a flu compacitor in his DeLorean and is headed back to 1985
I am not here right now because I am waiting for you to get offline.
When your mind says “give up” hope whispers “one more try”.
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light. May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
HOS is Trying To Conquer The World
No I am not playing “hard to get,” I am genuinely not interested.
All the idiots of the world have surrounded one computer. yours
Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it’s your fault.”
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
It took me a while, but I finally realized that I am better off without you.
A boy’s facebook status during class: I am online from class. Comment from his teacher: Beta test me 0 mila hai aa ke dekhega ya tag karun?
Admit it, when someone is mean to you you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in the shower.
Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am in love with my bed, we’re perfect for each other! But my alarm clock just doesn’t seem to want us together.
With the way I eat I should be at least 800 pounds.
Its not called being picky, it’s called not compromising your standards.
I am wondering how skinny would i be if i had to pedal to keep my laptop running.
That moment when you hear someone call your bestfriend their bestfriend and you’re like….. No.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Twilight, taking the “n” out of “vampire fangs” since 2007.
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk.
Happy moments, Praise God. Difficult moments, Seek God. Painful moments, Trust God. Every moment, Thank God.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The hunger games has 3 books. 23 people are supposed to die. There are 12 districs. The movie came out 3-23-12 MIND=BLOWN.
I love the word “Allegedly”. You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal… allegedly.
HOS is eating all the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms cereal…
Bad guys in movies: “But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so you can be saved.”
When I die, i’m gonna donate my body to science……..fiction!!
Advice: be a girl with a mind. A babe with an attitude, and a lady with class
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
I don’t know what I’d do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.
I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
HOS is so vein he probably thinks this status is about him
Using photoshop doesn’t make you pretty, in fact, it just hides the ugly.
Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don’t want to hear about your weekend.
Sometimes you gotta accept the fact that certain things will NEVER go back to how they use to be.
Multi-tasking = Screwing up several things at once.
Bullying is for losers.
HOS is sick and tired of always being sick and tired!
Roses are Red, My name is Dan, I have a gun, Get in the Van.
What if birds aren’t singing, they’re just screaming because they’re scared of heights?
Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?
I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.
No matter how many times you wish on 11:11, toss coins and cross fingers. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen
There’s a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.
You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh because you are all the same.
Facebook poking started in prison.
If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.
Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could crap on the people I don’t like.. Hahaha
HOS is peeing in your Garden
There are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who’s driving whom crazy.
In school- Teacher: “Is that a phone!?” Me: “No. It’s my calculator.”
The Village called and said they were looking for you. They’re missing their idiot
That awkward moment when you say something loud in class, when everyone suddenly stops talking.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
STUDY: The act of texting, networking, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
HOS is still that same great taste just fewer calories
That awkward moment when you don`t understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.