When I ask someone
When I ask someone a question and I can’t understand their response, I say, “Oh okay, thanks.”
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections – I let her talk.
Dear ladies, I could remove 90% of your “beauty” with a wet towel.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
They say emotional pain is the basis for all humor that is why I just ran over 10 puppies..
HOS is brought to you by the letters W T F.
You never hear skinny people saying, I’m just small boned.
You never fully realize how terrible your toothbrush is until you get a new one.
Why do some movie previews feel the need to show you almost the entire movie?
I don’t hate you… but if you were hurt really badly and I had the phone to call an ambulance, I would order a pizza.
Nobody likes the guys that go to the gym to stare at themselves in the mirror.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head.”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, WHERE I WANT….. if my mom says it’s ok..
That awkward moment when you’re left with a friend of a friend, and there`s silence until the other friend returns.
The last thing you do every night and the first thing you do every morning is check your phone.
What if life is a dream, and when we die we wake up?
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
While I was running today, I heard clapping. It was just my thighs cheering me on. Gotta lose some weight man!
I love homework. It fascinates me. I can sit for hours and just look at it.
You actually have friends? Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!
I hate it when someone I don’t like says something funny.
That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly but it looks wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning it’s existence.
I am a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity…
Turning your phone on silent when you’re studying but still checking it every 5 seconds.
The funniest thing in class is when the teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
Dear Blackberry……HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Sincerely, Apple.
Blonde: What does ‘idk’ mean? Friend: I don’t know. Blonde: LIAR! You DO know! You just won’t tell me. Friend: *sigh*
That risky naked trip…from the bathroom to your bedroom.
Mistakes are painful, but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called Lessons. Live life and embrace life lessons!
Before you marry someone, ask yourself, “will they be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?
A kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.”
That awkward moment when someone asks you what’s wrong and they’re the problem.
That awkward moment when you wait for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
Can I copy your homework? We had homework?! QUICK gimme your pen!
Two tips for jogging faster 1. Attractive person in front of you. 2. Creepy person behind you.
Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
x² + y +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 18y – 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.
“You took my daughters virginity!” “I am sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.”
says If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
That awkward moment when spelling is so important that it changes everythong.
Sleep (n) : the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored
If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.
I don’t have a type, it’s simple, if I like you then I like you.
You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
If you learn from your mistakes, you must be freaking genius.
I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking “who’s blood is this?” and “How did you get it?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I used to smile at my phone every time your name showed up….Now I almost throw it half way across the room.
HER: Oh my God! I lost 2 kilograms! Guy: Great, you finally took off your makeup!
I love deleting one “ha” from your “hahahahahaha” because you feel like it’s too much!
No matter how many pens I buy, they always “mysteriously” go missing.
Facebook is one of the most searched term on Google. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn’t be using the internet.
Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”
Smoking causes lung cancer -So does having lungs.
That awkward moment when someone asks you what’s wrong… and they’re the problem.
Sometimes you can’t tell if you’re just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying.
Attention, guys wearing “skinny Jeans”, you took the phrase “getting into her pants” the wrong way!
You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to tell you the truth through my jokes.
wondering why every woman is wrong until she cries, and then, viola, she is right, instantly!
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Hw many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to each take 200 photos of it for facebook
Watching something funny by yourself: HAHAHHAHAHHA! OH GOD!! Showing it to your friends: Wait guys.. it gets funny. Don’t worry.
If no one needs anything, I am your guy.
Its funny how enemies seem to stick around longer than friends.
I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me .
Mom: I see that you’re all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
HOS is mad because the government stole my Weapon of Mass Destruction
HOS is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.
HOS is suffering from insanity…and enjoying every minute of it!
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
HOS is too fast, but not really that furious
Dont cry because it is over, smile because it happened.