Getting mad because your
Getting mad, because your celebrity crush is cheating on you.
The phrase “money doesn’t buy happiness” should end with “just kidding”.
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
I am sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with quite a few.
Be who you are and don’t apologize. Life is too short to do it any other way.
HOS has a negative influence on you!
If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It’s only fair
That awkward moment when you finish a good book / TV series and you have to face the reality of your boring life.
‘Bathtub’ spelled backwards is still ‘bathtub’. It’s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I am used but in good condition
If Sunny Leone marries Sunny Deol, she will also become
I wonder why everything becomes 100 times louder when you aren’t trying to wake someone up.
Taking a well deserved break after writing the title of your assignment.
That ridiculous smile that decides to show up whenever you’re talking to the person you like.
Sometimes all a girl needs is a couple good friends to act silly with.
That awkward moment when you tell someone that you’re going to bed when you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook/Twitter.
Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don’t!
Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?
How can women can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and yet still be afraid of a spider ?
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds
But now that I have a Facebook account I am over it
Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?
My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I am logical.
Admit it. You hide your favorite food somewhere in the fridge from the rest of your family.
I hate when my parents never let me go anywhere and then ask me why I am always on the computer..
Life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
What doesn’t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
If a girl asks you a question, it’s better to just give her the truth. Chances are, she’s asking you because she already knows the answer.
HOS is sniffing glue, going to the zoo, gonna free all the kangaroos. Suck it Dr. Seuss!
HOS is defying society’s law of average.
Life without you is like; Twitter without followers, Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, and Google with no results..
The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
The problem with love: You can love whoever you want, but so can they.
I don’t feel bad about online shopping at work. It’s the only place where I can spend money WHILE I make it.
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it.
Cute enough to make you look twice, sweet enough but not always nice, kinda crazy but not too wild, the kinda girl that will make you smile
HOS is Joe the plumber
Since I was 14, I have dated girls in alphabetical oder.My newest girlfriend Yvonne is convinced I’ll go back to my X
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
GIRL: How much do you love me? GUY: Well, look at the stars & count them. That’s how much I love you. GIRL: But, its morning. GUY: Exactly.
Those butterflies you get when the person you like says, “Can I ask you something?”
When my crush smiles at me, the little voice in my head screams.
Time for something that starts with ‘P’ and ends in ‘orn’. that’s right, popcorn!
Today, my mother commented “loser” on my Facebook profile picture. She got 47 likes.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I just want less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
TOP 5 Lies People Tell : 1) I’m fine. 2) That was my last piece of gum. 3) I’ll call you back. 4) I’m on my way. 5) I never got that text.
The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I’ll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you “Your gums wouldn’t bleed if you flossed more”.
Girls cheat if there’s something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there’s an opportunity.
You- “So how’d you do on that test?” Friend- “I failed.” You- “Me too, high five!”
The difference between like, love, and “in love” is the same as for now, for a while, and forever!
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.
If swimming is such a good way to stay in shape… then explain whales.
Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.
You’re more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made of bacon riding a cyborg unicorn.
Good things come to those who wait but great things come to those who don’t just sit around waiting for shit to happen!
A smartphone without Internet like a Car without gas.
A friend of mine said he thought Facebook had killed the art of conversation. I said Like .
Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
That awkward moment when you are actually pulling a push door.
I don’t have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.
A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.
HOS is cute but psycho..things even out
I hate people who mix up ‘there, their and they’re’. It’s worse than not knowing the difference between your left and write.
I can multi-task. I can talk and piss you off at the same time…. What can I say? It’s a gift.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I fart. Why?… because it’s the only gas I can afford.
Just when you think you got the answer…someone changes the question.
That awkward moment when your parents assume you want something, when in reality you’re just being nice.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I LOVE getting up early! – Nobody