Getting mad because your
Getting mad, because your celebrity crush is cheating on you.
The awkward moment when that fat person sighs.. ‘I am fat’ Expecting you to reply.. ‘No you’re not”. but you say “Yep”.
Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you’re disconnected.
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone… which actually makes it fair.
2012 Pick Up Lines: “I have a full tank of gas.”
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e. Not B4. We speak English. Not bingo.
Everyone has three lives; a public life, a private life, and a secret life.
Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.
You: What’s wrong with me? Me: Oh my God! Where do I begin?
It’s a good thing you can’t get drunk on music, otherwise I would be totally wasted like everyday.
HOS is taking a walk outside her mind
If at first you don’t sucseed….succeedd….suxeedd…sucks…..oh I give up!
I wonder how many kids would be failing school if it wasn’t for Google, and who would be passing if it wasn’t for Facebook.
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First time I heard ROFL, I thought it was an Asian trying to say “Waffle”.
Note To Females: Don’t let something that doesn’t matter cause you to lose something that does.
Your breath smells so bad I don’t know whether to give you a tic tac or toilet paper.
Life is full of complications.
Even when you’re born there’s a string attached.
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating….because if you’re good at cheating, you’re good at everything.
“Who’s your bestfriend?” ME: “Food.”
Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.
Last night, I dreamed I ate a 10-pound marshmallow and when I woke up, the pillow was gone!
Ways To Get Me Mad: Get halfway into a story then say “nevermind”.
You have 3 choices in life: Watch things happen, make things happen or wonder what the hell happened.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone & my power goes out.
Real boyfriend = calls you for NOTHING, texts you all the time, wants to see you, gets jealous, over protective & LOVES YOU.
A man entered doctor’s office and shouted, I am shrinking! The doctor calmly responded, Sit down. You will just have to be a little patient.
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light. May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
No offense means I am about to insult but don’t get mad.
That really annoying moment when you can’t find the long side of the blanket.
Does anyone else think the demon in Paranormal Activity is just Harry Potter putting his invisibility cloak to good use?
Facebook to buy Instagram for $1 billion.
One billion dollars? They could have just downloaded it for free.
“All guys are the same” .. Damn girl, Who told you to try so many?
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
I’ve always had a way of lighting up any room I walk into I flip the light switch
Dont let the past create the future, let the future erase the past
When you want to say something and then you realize that the person you’re talking with shouldn’t know about it. “And – Oh.. Never mind”
Dear Teacher, If the bell doesn’t dismiss me, then the bell doesn’t decide when I arrive… Case Closed.
I don’t always wake up early without an alarm, But when I do, it’s a weekend.
That awkward moment when you put accidentally write a wink instead of a smiley face and turns the whole conversation perverted.
When people say you’re hot, its your body, when people say you’re pretty, its your face, when people say you’re beautiful, its the inside
“H3y wht r u dooin?”… About to throw a dictionary at your face!
Ever noticed how your funniness goes up by at least 78% when you are around your best friend?
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
usbdfoaierngwerinewp’xfcghj4tyu tfyguhij whoops, sorry i saw a spider on the keyboard.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their WiFi.
Am I the only one that when somebody says “10 years ago”, thinks about 90’s instead of 2002?
The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there’s nothing you can’t do. – Tommy Smothers
Short people Kick Ass cause that’s how high they can reach!
That is not my picture on the wall! I got framed.
That awkward moment when you think you’re talking to your friend but then realize you’re talking to a stranger beside you.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.
Teacher: Hey You! What’s the answer? Me: Who? Me? Teacher: Yes you. Me: Did you see me lifting up my hand?
It’s hard to be a positive person when I am surrounded by dumb idiots.
HOS is [censored]
If a robber ever breaks in, I’ll just pretend to be one too, and we’ll laugh and hug and he’ll leave because I was first.
Before asking someone why they hate you, ask yourself why you even care .
Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to say surprise adoption.
When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.
You can never really say whats’ on your mind, when your family is on Facebook 😉
I wish there was a room where we could go and find all the stuff we once lost.
Laughter is not always the best medicine, sometimes its just the best disguise.
I find the most time consuming part of taking my dogs for a walk is having to clean the shit off the treadmill.
I want a six month vacation. Twice a year.
Use condoms today or buy diapers tomorrow.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I have a PMS and a GPS; which means I am a mad and I will find you.
Pride attracts the girl. Courage approaches the girl. Wisdom gets the girl. Strength puts up with the girl. Loyalty keeps the girl.
Exaggeration, without it the world would end.
I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.
School is POINTLESS. English: We speak it. History: They’re dead, get over it. Math: We have calculators. Spanish: We have Dora.
There’s nothing worse than your foot falling asleep and having to stomp around like a dinosaur until it wakes up.
That awkward moment when new people you just met remember your name, but you can remember theirs.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Me: “Can I go to the restroom?” Teacher: “What for?!” Me: (thinking) TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS…. Uhm i have to pee