Sorry I am not
Sorry. I am not staring at you. I am daydreaming and you were in my way.
When i die don’t write “R.I.P” on my grave write “B.R.B”
Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea..
The 21st century.
When deleting history is more important than making it.
Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!
That mini heart attack you get when someone says, “Oh, I heard something about you.”
Teacher: “You failed the test.” Me:”You failed to educate.”
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive…
I would hate to be a dragon.
I would get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
HOS is still HOT..it just comes in flashes now
All guys are part of a fight club called “Your Feelings.” The first rule is: “You don’t talk about Your Feelings”
What if life is a dream, and when we die we wake up?
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing….
Helping drinking buddies determine who is right and wrong since 1997.
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I’ve got to say that I am pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good!
Canada: Driver Kills Two Women After Smoking Marijuana
So, killing two birds with one stoner.
They’re not blueberries. They’re peas holding their breath.
When you want them, they don’t want you. When they want you, you don’t want them. When you both want each other, something messes it up.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn’t that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?
Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?
If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.
I believe in love, but I don’t believe I’ll ever find it.
“Crazy” is just another name for “Someone who knows how to have fun!”
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people Happy Birthday, ever.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.
I have a problem WITHOUT caffeine.
Honestly, I acted more mature when I was six.
Going on a walk. Like some kind of freaking car-less hippie moron.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
You were born as an original. Don’t die as a copy.
Next time I am in a lift with four or more strangers, I am going to turn around and say, I am sure you’re wondering why I have gathered you all here
Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you’re meant to be studying.
How much coke has Charlie Sheen done? Enough to kill 2 1/2 men
Laughing is the best medicine. But laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Do I turn left, when nothing is right? Or do I turn right, when there’s nothing left?
I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up
Yeah, thats great. Can you go away now?
I don’t care how old I am, whenever I see a bubble, I will hunt the bastard down and pop it.
When I see stupid statuses on Facebook I try my hardest not to make rude sarcastic comments because I know the Lord is testing me.
If my room is clean, it means that Twitter is not working.
Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!
Looking great in mirrors, then terrible in pictures.
is insanely mad… IF SOMEBODY SENDS ME ONE MORE FARMVILLE INVITE THEN I WILL KILL YOUR ANIMALS AND SET FIRE TO YOUR CROPS!!!!!!!!!
Math and alcohol don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive
Isn’t it odd that you can always read a doctor’s bill, but you can never read his prescription?
wishes the voices in his head would quit singing off-key
Bad decisions make good stories.
Spell-check is always write.
It’s ok to kiss a fool. It’s ok to let a fool kiss you. But never let a kiss fool you.
Facebook should get a ‘I don’t even know you’ button for the people who like to try to add people they don’t even know!
Person: I got in a fight today. Normal Person: OMG! Are you okay?! Me: Did ya win?
I’m not high maintenance. I am just a precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, “Security”.
HOS is pondering why in the hell people type so much in their status box
The awkward moment when you’re smiling at your phone and your parents ask who you’re talking to.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
HOS is pretty fly for a white guy
I am Not Arguing. I am Simply Explaining Why I am Right.
If your mind is so closed, why is your mouth so open?
The awkward moment when the ticket vendor says, ‘Enjoy your movie.’ and then you say, ‘You too!’
Some people deserve to have eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs.. …made of brick.
Suicide Bomber Training: “Pay attention because I am only going to show you this once…”
HOS is the hottest thing next to the sun
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
How to Get a Social Life…1. Unplug your WiFi router. 2. Go outside.
Don’t add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a twat. Comprende?
No I havent met Mr. Right yet, but I have met Mr. Fake, Mr. Rude, & Mr. Player.
Teacher: Remember, the “f” in Physics stands for fun. Me: But sir, there is no “f” in Physics.
That awkward moment when you wait for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
Note to vegetarians: Plants are living things to, they are just easier to catch.
“Coke Please!” .. “Is Pepsi ok?” .. “Is Monopoly money ok?”
If you want a single day job per week, just become a garbage collector.
Turn up the music and turn down the drama.