Sorry I am not
Sorry. I am not staring at you. I am daydreaming and you were in my way.
I’m currently making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, you’re one of them…
HOS is busy, you’re ugly, have a nice day
YouTube = Ads load instantly. Videos take forever to load.
Most Popular things to do in an emergency:
15% Record a Video, upload it on YouTube
15% Update FB status
10% Call Emergency!
Teacher: Don’t get ready to walk away from my class, it’s still 30 seconds left!!
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.
I know 3 facts about you: 1)You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2)You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3)Now you’re smiling
HOS is liking the sun, and the letter in between it
Me all school year: When is summer?
Me during summer: Ok, now what.
I LOVE getting up early! – Nobody
I drink to have fun, not to get drunk.
Why is Facebook going public? They couldn’t figure out the privacy settings either.
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
That awkward moment when you’re late to class and everyone stares at you like you killed someone!
HOS is profound as a pronoun that verbs today.
HOS is so vein he probably thinks this status is about him
If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It’s only fair
Relationships these days are a JOKE. It’s like April 1st all year long.
My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them things in person.
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
Friday: YES ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WHAT THE HELL just happened?!.
Rule: 1 I am always right. Rule: 2 If I am wrong, please look at rule 1
Oh I’m sorry. I forgot, I only exist when you need something.
That awkward moment, when people ask: Are you a couple? And you look at each other and wait who’s going to answer first.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?
Daddy how was I born? Well Son, it all started when I retweeted one of her tweets…….
There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
I didn’t fall, I was testing gravity… It still works.
Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I will ever get to yoga.
Are you asleep? No I was in coma, thanks for saving me.
Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it’s not like we’re real friends and hang out everyday.
I don’t want your boyfriend. Nobody wants your boyfriend. That’s why he’s with you.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”
When I am bored, I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am sad, I eat.
Your World – Do not blame others. Do not blame anybody–it’s all in here.
Work is worship. But I am an aethist. Ab bol!
Got kicked out of the zoo today for feeding the ducks… To the alligators!
To reduce weight: first turn your head left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you’re offered something to eat.
I don’t really hate math. I am just not comfortable talking about EX’s and WHY’s.
Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m trippin? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.
The only thing keeping me from driving off this bridge is the insurance rate increase if I survive.
When I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re panicked over who’s getting cut from the team.
When non-smokers come to My house….I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke!
I swear my brain is 70% song lyrics.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
“Did you get a haircut?” “No, I got into a fight with the lawnmower and the lawnmower won.”
So Apple are having a new announcement tonight. Maybe they will announce they are going to merge with Blackberry and launch their new ‘Crumble’
If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.
Math and alcohol don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive
We laugh, we cry, we make time fly… we are best friends, my mom and I. Happy Mothers Day.
like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!
My brother commanded me to get him either a Blackberry or an iPhone on his birthday. So I gave a him a little bit of both, a Black-i
When I was little I thought the jet stream lines in the sky were the power puff girls flying!
That awkward moment when you push a door you’re supposed to pull.
I know the world isn’t going to end in 2012 cuz my yogurt expires in 2013!
I’m not high maintenance. I am just a precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
HOS is walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of nonsense.
It’s funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.
I’m about to rewrite history. History.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
That awkward moment when someone starts acting drunk after 1 drink.
s healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
No man is worth your tears and the only one who is will never make you cry
Age is just a number… Unless you’re 17 and hes 32… then its just so damn creepy…
Thanks phone, for being strong everytime I dropped you…
My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Be your greatest. Love your fullest. Smile your brightest.
Yes, I am single. You have to be amazing to change that.
If we aren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why does the fridge have a light?
To me, being the “bigger person” means wishing a happy birthday on Facebook to people who did not wish me one.
if you cant laugh at yourself, ill be happy to do it for you
I went for a job interview today and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job. I said The company relocated and didnt tell me where.
When I die I want written on my tombstone “Finally Offline”.