They say all the
They say all the good ones are taken? Uhmmm, hello I am SINGLE!
When the waiter asks, “are you done with this?” when my plate is completely cleared. No, I wanted to eat the plate as well.
HOS is boom chackalacka chackalacka (3x)
Definition of pointless?
Our jobless friends updating their status to: “Thank God it’s the weekend!”
Common sense is like deodorant… The people who need it most never use it.
Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times.
HOS is fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals
“How do I look?” Friend: “You look fine.” Good Friend: “You look really pretty.” Best Friend:”You look horrible”
Trying to shut off your alarm at 6am is like trying to disarm a bomb with down syndrome. Just keep hitting it till the beeping stops.
The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
HOS is wondering what flavor milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
It’s true that we dont know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we dont know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
I don’t know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.
Facebook is a woman. A man would never ask, What’s on your mind?
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.
Even if I had a refrigerator with glass doors; I would still stand there with the door open.
People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason.
Laughter is not always the best medicine, sometimes its just the best disguise.
HOS is Scientifically proven not to induce insanity in chimpanzees
That awkward moment when somebody deletes your comment.
That awkward moment when someone asks you what’s wrong and they’re the problem.
It will be weird when we have grandchildren and they refer to the 50?s and mean 2050 instead of 1950.
Cop : “Lets do a drug test” … Me: “Cool, what drugs are we testing?”
The awkward moment when that fat person sighs.. ‘I am fat’ Expecting you to reply.. ‘No you’re not”. but you say “Yep”.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
HOS is making cows laugh and watching milk run out their nose
Kidnapping? I prefer term “surprise adoption”.
Screaming “NOOOOOOOOO” when the teacher starts erasing the board when you’re not done copying.
Once they see you’re doing better without them, that’s when they want you back.
I’m not high maintenance. I am just a precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I hate it when I’m trying to be serious and then I accidentally smile.
is insanely mad… IF SOMEBODY SENDS ME ONE MORE FARMVILLE INVITE THEN I WILL KILL YOUR ANIMALS AND SET FIRE TO YOUR CROPS!!!!!!!!!
Guys are the reason waterproof mascara was invented.
When people say, ‘When I was little I…’ and I am just sitting there awkwardly like, ‘I still do that…’
You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.
Did you hear about the new movie Constipated? It hasnt come out yet…
I would rather be bored at my friends house than bored at my house.
The best gift you can give to someone is your time, because you’re giving them something you can never get back.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the orchestra? I feel like I could do that
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Nobody can make you happy until you’re happy with yourself first!
Do all the stupid things you want. Keep the film rights.
We all have 10 fingers. INDEX to point out, RING for marriage, THUMBS for approval, PINKIES for swears, & the MIDDLE one is just for you!
Dhadkan ruk gayi meri ye sunkar, jab kaam waali maai ne kaha. Way menu v facebook te add karle.
Why do people say “Nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I am a jerk.
I’ll be there in 5 minutes…if not, read this again.
says I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I am just being paranoid.
Me and my girlfriend have been together so long now that we finish each other’s sentences. Usually with the phrase: Shut the F up.
Some Are Called Brave Because They Afraid to Run…
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I am not anti-social. I just have a strong aversion to dramas and being fake.
HOS is spitting in your general direction
Thanks phone, for being strong everytime I dropped you…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today but then those cops showed up!
That awkward moment when your friend is getting yelled at by their parents and you just sit there awkwardly petting their dog
like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!
Life without you is like; Twitter without followers, Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, and Google with no results..
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
*On a rollercoaster* Other people: “Aaah! Woohoo!” Me: “Holy sh*t! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! I’m gonna die!”
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!”
They should print books with glow-in-the-dark ink so you can read at night.
If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.
And who else thinks iTunes should give you unlimited free songs on your birthday?
I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people’s forehead when they say something funny.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk
We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich !
Remember when you were little & you used to point at the characters on the screen & yell, “I am THAT one!”
Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, close your eyes, dark, isn’t it?
I don’t hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.
Dear ‘K’, you should get arrested for killing conversations.
Going on a walk. Like some kind of freaking car-less hippie moron.