The best time to
The best time to make friends is before you need them.
HOS is ENGAGED!! ……….in a good cause
When I am on the phone I move my arms around when I am giving directions even if the person can’t see me.
Approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, “Security”.
I wish mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
What the teacher says: You may now begin the test. What I hear: May the odds be forever in your favor.
Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
It would be so much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.
There’s a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.
Cute enough to make you look twice, sweet enough but not always nice, kinda crazy but not too wild, the kinda girl that will make you smile
Learn to accept how people judge you, but never let it sink into your nerves especially when you know it’s not true.
Madam move from the sunlight. l hate the smell of burning plastic.
5 Rules of Happiness 1. Don’t Hate 2. Don’t Worry 3. Give More 4. Expect Less 5. Live Simply!
Did you just fall? “No, The floor just jumped up” “oh, really” “yeah” 😀
Facebook is where you lie to your friends. Twitter is where you’re honest with complete strangers.
I don’t know how but most people can laugh in photos and still look pretty… while I look like an awkward horse.
When I found out I had 1 hour to live, it was hard to decide what to do. Eventually I decided, I would forward the email to 25 of my friends
Without “ME”, you’re just “AWESO”. 🙂
My favorite memories have one thing in common… You’re in every one.
Typing ‘LOL’ when your face has less expression than a brick.
Textaphrenia: thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Always look available, but never say you are available.
Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
A Big Mac, Large fries, and a Diet Coke? You must really be watching your calories. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I don’t wait for miracles to happen, because I am a miracle, and I amake things happen.
Hearing your name being called… When no one actually called you.
We all have 10 fingers. INDEX to point out, RING for marriage, THUMBS for approval, PINKIES for swears, & the MIDDLE one is just for you!
HOS is your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.
Check this one out………….1
Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you’ll be right.
This is not a competition! -People who are losing.
HOS is too fast, but not really that furious
Difference between male & female is… Walking through the animal barns, the female begins ranking animals for cuteness and males rank them for deliciousness.
That stupid walk you do when you have to pee really bad and you’re trying to get to the bathroom as fast as possible
Don’t hate what you can’t imitate
They say emotional pain is the basis for all humor that is why I just ran over 10 puppies..
The best time to make friends is before you need them.
I am on a diet so I’ll order double cheese burger, large fries, and a diet coke.
Are you as bored as I am? Makes sense even when you read it backwards…
I am mature when I have to be. And immature when I wanna be.
HOS is back..by popular demand!
Twitter is 1) An obsession. 2) A distraction. 3) A tracking device. 4) Where drama lives. 5) Everybody’s diary.
Turns out, when the officer asks why you’re not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.
Etc… A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do!
It’s impossible to say “I wasn’t talking to you” politely.
If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand exactly like you.
Pride attracts the girl. Courage approaches the girl. Wisdom gets the girl. Strength puts up with the girl. Loyalty keeps the girl.
When you sponsor a dog, The dog will write back to you… How??
Why women cry- 15% Sadness 5% Happiness 80% ???
Boy: Let’s play a game, any game just not hide and seek . Girl: Why not hide and seek? Boy: Because a girl like you is impossible to find.
Sometimes I fake dumbness just to see how far people will go with their lies.
Success sleeps with you in private. Failure insults you in public!
Yea I am WEIRD. (W)onderful, (E)xciting, (I)nteresting, (R)eal, (D)ifferent.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
HOS is going to the store. Do you want anything?
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
1600’s: “Oh Romeo, I am writing to inform you that I have recieved your letter & I’ve been left quite speechless.” 2012: “K.”
I am pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.
Of all the lies I tell, “I was joking!” is my personal favorite.
I do all my addition in my head. It’s the thought that counts.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My wife just dropped her keys & said “What’s WRONG with me?” & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.
HOS is putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out – but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie
There are people who think you should drink more, there are people who say you should drink less. They both share a common opinion- you should drink.
The serious moment of preparation before stepping onto the escalator.
giving the silent treatment only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say.
What time is it?.. There’s a clock right there. “DID I ASK YOU WHERE THE CLOCK WAS?“
Dear Neighbors: SHUT UP and enjoy the music!
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
That awkward moment you realize you’ve been mispronouncing a word your entire life.
When you’re angry you type way faster than you should.
Ive decided to follow the health advice given in the news recently and avoid alcohol 3 days a week. Now I just have to decide which week.
Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
It’s funny how sometimes the people you’d take a bullet for, are the one’s behind the trigger.