I saw six men
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.
HOS wonders, Is there a mirror in your pants, cause I see myself in them
Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!
24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not!
Don’t hate what you can’t imitate
When someone says “I’ll think about it,” they’re just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is “No.”
I wonder how many kids would be failing school if it wasn’t for Google, and who would be passing if it wasn’t for Facebook.
Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie!
I don’t know why online forms on websites have the option of “Born in 2011”. Duh! how would I be using my computer?
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos
Birthdays 1998 – ‘Wow! Look at all these presents!’ … Birthdays now- ‘Wow! Look at all these notifications!’
I am like your virginity, Once I am gone, you aren’t getting me back.
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
My friend: Can I ask you for relationship advice? Me: Sure, but you might end up single.
My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, “That’s for all the cheating!” She has a weird way of apologizing.
In school- Teacher: “Is that a phone!?” Me: “No. It’s my calculator.”
The awkward moment when you post a status and no one likes it, so you end up deleting it.
Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement!
People think I am so innocent… if only they knew what really goes through my head.
You mean it’s not normal for the ATM to play a laugh track when it displays your balance?
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
He says: So, your place, or mine?
You say: Both. You’re going to yours, and I’m going to mine 🙂
HOS just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
says Too many freaks, not enough circuses
When guys get jealous it’s kinda cute. When girls get jealous World war III is about to start.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Me: Have you ever heard the joke about “No” and “Me Neither?” Friend: No… Me: Me Neither
Morning all…. as you can see your assassins fails!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
You might want to come inside… Plastic melts in the sun.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
That awkward moment when someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good thanks”
That awkward moment when you finish a good book / TV series and you have to face the reality of your boring life.
We don’t have any vegetable jokes yet, so if you know one, lettuce know.
Did you hear about the new movie Constipated? It hasnt come out yet…
I Hate when I am having a great day and someone speaks to me.
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again. So live every day as if it’s your last!
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I don’t hate you…I am just not necessarily excited about your existence.
It’s funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you’ve overslept.
The phrase “money doesn’t buy happiness” should end with “just kidding”.
“It’s hot in here!” “Sorry, Should I leave?”
STUDY: The act of texting, networking, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
HOS is chillin out maxin’ relaxin all cool.
Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair… so please quit teaching me that lesson.
A great life beats a clean conscience.
CARTOONS : The only place where you can wear the same thing everyday & nobody cares.
Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon…We launch a bird into Pigs!
Life isn’t about being impressive, it’s more like being expressive.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a MySpace account.
I’ve decided I am not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I am sorry.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”
Dear Voldemort, they screwed up your nose too?! Sincerely, Michael Jackson.
Dear ladies, I could remove 90% of your “beauty” with a wet towel.
I watched Transformers today. I’ve spent 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret. He’s shy.
No, it’s not a ‘long story’… It’s a short story that I don’t feel like telling.
My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.
Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Be your greatest. Love your fullest. Smile your brightest.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it…… I found the rubber band.
If you do something you’ll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!
Be amazing. Be good. Be pretty. Be strong. Be smart. Be cool. But the most important thing, be yourself.
Dear boys who are Smart, Hot, Awesome and madly in love with me.. PLEASE START EXISTING.
I have come up with a new lip-stick that helps fat women loose weight… I call it ‘superglue’
I remember passing gum in school was like drug dealing..
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using Google and they ask me stupid questions.
Twitter.The only place you can legally follow women
Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
That moment when you have so much to do, but you decide to take a nap instead.
Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.
I am not mean…. I am blunt, which means I will tell you the clear difference between a bit naive and really bold stupid.
Why is it that Facebook even gives me the option to ‘Like’ my own status? Of course I like my status. I am hilarious.