Hopefully one day your
Hopefully one day your life will be as cool as you make it appear on Facebook.
I said to my wife I have found this amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight! Its called Super Glue.
90% of the people that say “I’ll do this at home” never really do it at home….
My Wife left me last week and I have suddenly released how true the phrase ‘You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone’ She took my Gameboy.
Facebook poking started in prison.
Excuse me, aren’t you the guy who’s always getting mistaken for someone else? No.
We all have 10 fingers. INDEX to point out, RING for marriage, THUMBS for approval, PINKIES for swears, and the MIDDLE one is just for YOU.
When you’re in a crowded place and you hear people behind you laugh, there is always a part of you that thinks they are laughing at you.
I hate when I get up in the weekend and my Mom or Dad has a list if things for me to do.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that’s not my problem.
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: ‘Thanks for coming.’
I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes.
43 notifications later, I regret liking your status.
A boy’s facebook status during class: I am online from class. Comment from his teacher: Beta test me 0 mila hai aa ke dekhega ya tag karun?
I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand him a briefcase and whisper “you know what to do” and walk away.
Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos.
I am not here right now because I am waiting for you to get offline.
You’re at starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I’ve never seen one before.
wonders if there is a cure for dumbness if so, I know a few people who need a dose.
Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?
Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. 😉
When the waiter asks, “are you done with this?” when my plate is completely cleared. No, I wanted to eat the plate as well.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
You smoke?! Wow! You’re SO cool! LOL, Just Kidding.. Have fun dying.
HOS can see Alaska from his/her house
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice!
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Dear teacher , If my hand wasn’t raised it means I don’t know the answer. Sincerely, picking me up is a sign of foolishness.
My level of maturity changes depending on who I’m around.
The little dance your thumbs do when you’re not sure how to reply to a text.
HOS is silently judging you.
If you can make a guy smile he already likes you, but if you can make him cry, he’s definitely is in love with you.
I bet MySpace and Google+ are in a bar somewhere, drinking away their sorrows.
I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking “who’s blood is this?” and “How did you get it?”
A smile never goes out of style. Wear yours every day.
Drunk people run stop signs; high people wait for them to turn green.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
A kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Jooooooooookkkkkkkke.
HOS is calculating the cost of a train ride to Hawaii
I finally found love! Page 126 in the dictionary.
Laying in bed, remembering a conversation in your head, and imagining what you should’ve said instead.
HOS is Joe the plumber
My mother wanted me to be a doctor. Sloppy handwriting is best I can do.
That look you give your friend when they say something they weren’t supposed to mention in front of your parents…
I go for a run everyday……. on Temple Run!
That once in a lifetime moment when Mom agrees to buy what you want without arguing!
Face it, ladies. Prince Charming isn’t coming. He’s living with Mr. Right.
Live like it’s your last day, love like your life depends on it, and dream like you’ll live forever.
should be arrested for being awesome.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
Dear boys who are Smart, Hot, Awesome and madly in love with me.. PLEASE START EXISTING.
That moment when your teacher forgets you have homework, but then that one kid says: We have homework. SHIT!
HOS is also available on Blu-ray!
“Coke Please!” .. “Is Pepsi ok?” .. “Is Monopoly money ok?”
I hate it when you’re super excited for something and everything goes wrong….
Next time someone gets in your face and says, “Anytime. Anywhere.” Just say, “Yemen. 7 years from now.”
I hate when my parents never let me go anywhere and then ask me why I am always on the computer..
When someone has a nickname, calling them by their real name sounds weird.
Dear inventors of Tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?
The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.
Internet Explorer, when will you learn that Google Chrome is SO much better than you?
If everyone stopped giving a damn for a whole five minutes, there would ultimately be universal peace.
Avoiding someone has two reasons: you either hate that person or you’re in love with that person.
Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.
That awkward moment when you say ‘Hey’ to someone on facebook chat, and seconds later they sign out. How Rude.
HOS is tired of chasing his dreams. I’m just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.
They should print books with glow-in-the-dark ink so you can read at night.
I bet nothing pisses a cop off more than a car driving the speed limit right in front of them.
That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you says I’m so fat. and you stand there like ‘Really?’
HOS is totally gonna take over the world one day >=D
During a test when the teacher passes by, you cover your answers with your hand so that the teacher cant see how stupid you are.
HOS is playing strip monopoly with a Russian sailor and a midget called Greg
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I am typing this with my middle finger.
My Grandpa always said “Slow and steady wins the race” ….he died in a house fire!
Telling someone that you’re going to bed, when you’re actually not and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook/Twitter.