You can t buy
You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
Just Failed my Health & Safety Test. The question was,”What steps would you take in case of a fire? “Big long ones” was the wrong answer.
The first to apologize is the bravest…the first to forgive is the strongest…and the first to forget is the happiest.
My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
Most stoners seem like they’re not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Just watched my wedding video backwards – Loved the part where I took off the ring, left the church, and left with my friends.
Dear Heart, Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that’s it.
HOS is on my space trying to Google your you tube
The serious moment of preparation before stepping onto the escalator.
That moment when someone says “Name a good song” and you forget all the songs that were ever made.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I know it’s 3 meals a day… But how many at night?
what has two ears and cant hear? GRANDPA
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says “Hold my beer and watch this.”
You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!
HOS is never fully dressed without a smile!
HOS is not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
A realtor called asking if I am interested in selling my house. I am interested in my neighbor selling his, so I booked him an appointment.
Im not a tease, I am just a reminder of something that you can’t have.
thinks it’s sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say “Music playing”. Wouldn’t it be nicer just to not mention that?
If I ever become a teacher, I am stapling McDonald’s application to every failed test.
If you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step.
thinking its funny how,When people talk to God, it’s called prayer. When God talks back, it’s called schizophrenia !!!
Patience: is what parents have when there are witnesses!
I want a relationship, not a relationshit.”
Crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can’t explain the pain you feel.
When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you’ve done well.
Alcohol doesn’t agree with me … it thinks my wife is attractive
It took harry potter 8 movies and 8 books to kill 1 guy, it took Rajnikanth, 1 movie to kill all the bad guys.
Does anyone else… Charge their phone 5 minutes before they leave to go somewhere… thinking it will make a difference?
Girl: “Whats the price of this blue dress?” Salesman: “$800” Girl: “Awwww…..!” Girl: “And this red one?” Salesman: “Awwww + Awwww”.
You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I don’t mind people sneezing in public. It’s that “Pre-sneeze face” they make that scares the hell out of me.
If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I am more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.
When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there.. just in case it needs help.
When you sneeze, you’re dead for 00.2 seconds.
Guns don’t kill people. Double cheeseburgers with extra bacon do.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”
Study for 10 minutes. Reward self with 3 hours of pointless internet use.
Last year, on Valentines Day, my fiancÃ©e of five years bought me a lottery ticket and I won £6.2 million. I wonder what she’s doing nowadays.
Trying to find a song you heard on the radio by Googling a phrase from it.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
The lazy rule: Can’t reach what I dropped. Don’t need it!
Let’s eat Grandma …. Let’s eat, Grandma …. Punctuation saves lives.
Biggest and most common lie a nurse tells: “The doctor will be right in.”
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.
When I die, i’m gonna donate my body to science……..fiction!!
Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theater? I literally have to scream into my phone.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people actually think you are stupid.
Am I the only one that when somebody says “10 years ago”, thinks about 90’s instead of 2002?
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
That fake laugh you do when a really old person tells a joke.
If she has 500 likes and 500 comments on a picture, what’s missing? Her clothes.
I’m so cool I embarass winter
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Do you realize that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes.” and a guy’s ” I’ll be home in five minutes.” are exactly the same?
Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.
When you’re in a crowded place and you hear people behind you laugh, there is always a part of you that thinks they are laughing at you.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
wonders whether he’ll ever see psychedelic cowboy boots
So the new Titanic 3D is out………. Maybe they’ll see the freaking iceberg this time.
We all have chapters, in our lives, we don’t want published. Be reminded though that it’s those chapters which make the book worth reading.
By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Are you free tomorrow? No, I am freaking expensive.
Every book you’ve ever read is just a different combination of the same 26 letters.
Looking at a friend and saying “I will, if you will”
“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore….”
Miracles do happen even on Facebook and Twitter. Come Sunday and suddenly everyone becomes a preacher.
Dear Cupid, the next time you decide to shoot me with your freaking arrow….shoot him too.