I nevur make the
I nevur make the same mistake twice. NEVUR.
My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
Don’t judge me for my past, I don’t live there anymore.
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with according to the prophecy
There are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who’s driving whom crazy.
Failure is not an option — it comes bundled with Windows.
Your relationship status is only official if its been updated on Facebook.
OMG, weekends should be longer than 2 days! “Yeah. So should your relationships.”
Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it’s your fault.”
Sometimes I want to go to another country just to be the new kid with the awesome accent.
Last night I had an epifanny…I realized I couldn’t spell.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
Getting caught in those “it’s not what it looks like” moments.
No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future
R.I.P Facebook! Murdered by Spam, Grandparents, Parents, Shoe selling models, Jordan Heels, and fake Bin Ladin ads!
HOS is done signing autographs
Here’s to the kids who have their own concerts in their room.
How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.
If your baby is beautiful & perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule & burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one!
When the boss is away, work becoms a holiday.
That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch…
HOS is coming up next, right after this brief message.
The first sign of madness is talking to yourself, the second sign is replying.
You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.
Let me know when you’re available so I can make sure I am busy
I always thought I was the only one to do stupid things. Until I joined Facebook.
Things to do today:
1. Get up
3. Go back to bed.
A jealous girlfriend does better research than the FBI, but a smart guy hides things better than the CIA.
There’s an airline called Virgin Airlines, but I never use them. Who wants to fly on a plane that doesn’t go all the way.
It’s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad
That moment when CAPS LOCK is not enough to express your anger.
If your mind is so closed, why is your mouth so open?
Shh.. Do you hear that? “What? I heard nothing.” Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.
That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly but it looks wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning it’s existence.
The awkward moment when someone`s zipper is down & you don`t know whether to tell, because you can`t explain why you were looking that low.
HOS is like a mime trapped in a box, you want out, but you cant yell for help.
When your teacher says “get out”, it means you have won the argument. 😉
Just remember anyone before me was a mistake and anyone after me is a downgrade
Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.
History always tells a story. Which is why you must clear it before the wife uses the internet.
Mom says: You can’t stay on the Computer all day! … Challenge accepted.
I hate it when you’re super excited for something and everything goes wrong….
My son informed me that they no longer call it “Old School” It’s now known as “Lame”. If he wasn’t my kid, I’d have thrown my Walkman at him
Newton’s laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Smile as you wake up tomorrow and you will receive more smiles than you did today.
I wish school was as easy as half the girls in it. LOL!
Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.
Torturing yourself with depressing music when you’re already sad.
F.E.A.R. = Face Everything And Recover OR Forget Everything And Run!
I was gonna do something today but i haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday!
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon…We launch a bird into Pigs!
Mom: “What are you doing?” Me: “Homework!” *Mom looks at the screen* “Really? When did they start putting it on Twitter?”
HOS is having delusions of adequacy
what i if told you………………………………………………….that you read the top line wrong?
100% of people who use statistics in casual conversations are annoying!
No matter how strong a girl is, she always has a breaking point.
Dont let the past create the future, let the future erase the past
There’s a difference between being funny and being annoying.
I am in love with my bed, we’re perfect for each other! But my alarm clock just doesn’t seem to want us together.
Rule: 1 I am always right. Rule: 2 If I am wrong, please look at rule 1
HOS has a case of the Mondays when all he wants is a case of beer.
To cut a long story short………
knows she’s bored when she has thoughts of what the cat would look like shaved.
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.”Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”.
I am not single, I am in a long term relationship with adventure and fun.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.
I’ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver!
Lazy rule 35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.
A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Yes, I am forever ALONE; [A]dored [L]oved and [O]bviously [N]eeded by [E]veryone.
You know you play on the PlayStation too much when ‘O’ in the alphabet is pronounced ‘Circle.’
My favorite memories have one thing in common… You’re in every one.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone & my power goes out.