If you can t
If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good!
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.”
That awkward moment when sarcasm doesn’t work in a text.
Temple run = A pointless game thats “very” addicting.
No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future
Watching something funny by yourself: HAHAHHAHAHHA! OH GOD!! Showing it to your friends: Wait guys.. it gets funny. Don’t worry.
HOS is just two away from a threesome
Some people just need a pat, on the head, with a hammer.
I wonder if the girls from 16 and pregnant, will come back with a show called 32 and grandma!
Ever noticed how weird people’s faces are when they try to make babies laugh?
My Wife left me last week and I have suddenly released how true the phrase ‘You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone’ She took my Gameboy.
Number one rule of dieting: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Am I the only one that wishes I had hot neighbors?
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh, just not when he drops his pants.
I don’t have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.
Winking at someone can either be really cute or really creepy…
It’s awkward when you spend the night at a friend’s house and you wake up before them in the morning.
I went for a job interview today and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job. I said The company relocated and didnt tell me where.
Agree with someone so they’ll shut up.
fake laughs, fake smiles, fake promises, fake love.
sounds like everything is ‘Made In China’!
It’s cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won’t eat them as soon as I get to my car.
Hey, people who upload full movies to YouTube, get a life! Also, thank you.
The serious moment of preparation before stepping onto the escalator.
Some people are like slinkies. You don’t get much joy out of them until they are pushed down the stairs.
Why is Facebook going public? They couldn’t figure out the privacy settings either.
Let me know when you’re available so I can make sure I am busy
A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss.
Life isn’t about being impressive, it’s more like being expressive.
If it goes without saying, why the hell are you still talking?
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it.
I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught..
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.
Pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled “Tiger’s 18 Favorite Holes”, and the damn thing is about GOLF!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos
The number one browser for downloading a better browser.
says “Dear Mathematics, please grow up and solve your own problems.”
2 hour movie, 40 second making out scene… Guess which part your parents walk in on…..
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.
HOS has just finished installing a flu compacitor in his DeLorean and is headed back to 1985
PMS = Prepare to meet Satan.
Smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions….. when are they going to start making smart people?
Scientist: the average person spends 18 hours online per week. Me: you mean per day. Scientist: what! Me: what.
A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.
Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
HOS is glad he crashed the wedding.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn’t that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?
In the future, I’ll tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet thus blowing their minds forever.
I wanted to kill the hottest person alive, but they say suicide is a crime.
I am on a seafood diet.. I see food and then i eat it.
That awkward moment when you’re playing with your pen in class and suddenly it flys across the room & everyone stares at you.
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad I’ll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear… “Let’s order a pizza.”
Just dropped my iPod in a glass of apple juice. The irony is killing me.
Walking down the street with music in your ears and feeling like you’re in a music video.
used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!
Me- I got an A+! Mom- WTF, well done! Me- Do you know what WTF means? Mom- “Well That`s Fantastic!”.
I am so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say “Oh you smell good, what is that?” I say “Page 5”
Exams don’t test what you know. They test how well you can study the night before.
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Twitter is 1) An obsession. 2) A distraction. 3) A tracking device. 4) Where drama lives. 5) Everybody’s diary.
So I heard you’re a player. Well nice to meet you. I am the coach.
Dreams are today’s answers to tomorrow’s questions.
HOS is suffering from insanity…and enjoying every minute of it!
Most stoners seem like they’re not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!
Facebook is a woman. A man would never ask, What’s on your mind?
My Grandpa always said “Slow and steady wins the race” ….he died in a house fire!
HOS is poking you with a spork
For all those who answer “how’s it going?” with “can’t complain”, please review your Facebook statuses!
In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.
Honey, please tell a therapist, not Facebook.
The awkward moment when that fat person sighs.. ‘I am fat’ Expecting you to reply.. ‘No you’re not”. but you say “Yep”.