Yes I know how
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
Why do my kids think me answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
Life is really simple but sometimes we can make it complicate for no reason.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 years. Dogs run & they live for 15 years. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years LESSON LEARNED
Bored in class? Scream “SNOW!” and watch all the heads turn.
Woke up and thought my alarm clock was laughing out loud at me… Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07
Why don’t autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?
Awwww you’re not fat. Now chin up!…… and the other one too.
Irony: Telling someone to Get a life on Facebook.
They should print books with glow-in-the-dark ink so you can read at night.
Remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape …
Its funny how enemies seem to stick around longer than friends.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
That awkward moment when sarcasm doesn’t work in a text.
You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
I am bored of being bored cause being bored is boring.
Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I am not here right now because I am waiting for you to get offline.
You my friend, deserve a HIGH FIVE, that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Once they see you’re doing better without them, that’s when they want you back.
Trying to look like I am interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
Think before you speak, Google before you post.
Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
My best friends are retarded, but I love them anyway.
An engineer is someone who washes his hands before going to the toilet.
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet…. I get hungry.
You never fully realize how terrible your toothbrush is until you get a new one.
This is not a competition! -People who are losing.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
The funniest thing in class is when the teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
“Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU MORON
Vodka, Whiskey, Tequila
I am calling the big shots
Why do some movie previews feel the need to show you almost the entire movie?
Have you ever noticed how the contents of a box are much more interesting before the box is opened?
Everybody has that 1 friend that: 1) Turns everything dirty. 2) Eats like a pig and gains no weight. 3) Swears a lot. 4) Has a funny laugh.
I’d love to help the homeless people…. I just don’t know where they live.
I’m sorry; I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy moving on with my life so hang up and don’t call back again
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I’ve got to say that I am pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Note to vegetarians: Plants are living things to, they are just easier to catch.
I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes.
If love isn’t a game, then why are there so many players ?
I’ll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you “Your gums wouldn’t bleed if you flossed more”.
When your phone goes off in class and everyone starts coughing to cover up the ring tone from the teacher. Well done team.
That awkward moment when you say something loud in class, when everyone suddenly stops talking.
I love homework. It fascinates me. I can sit for hours and just look at it.
Yea I am WEIRD. (W)onderful, (E)xciting, (I)nteresting, (R)eal, (D)ifferent.
I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voice-mails.
Teacher: From all this talking I assume you’re done with your work. Student: LOL, from all this complaining I assume you’re still single.
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
Short people Kick Ass cause that’s how high they can reach!
It’s complicated, is just code for, “I am willing to cheat.”
Some people say “you can’t live without LOVE” personally, I think OXYGEN is more important.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I’d come punch you in the face but I don’t want my fries to get cold
I hate days where I have way too much going on in my mind.
Just be careful You dont catch anything over there , I think Rob Green has misunderstood his doctors advice before leaving for South Africa
I can’t afford a bigger TV so I moved the chair closer to the one I already have.
My headphones are like my own personal “DO NOT DISTURB” signs.
HOS is fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals
Movies could take some lessons from ads. Keep it short. Get right to the product placement.
HOS is drinking beers with his peers
I came to the house soaking wet and I am greeted by “Is it Raining?” Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk…. DUH!
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as “The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard”.
Relationships are like mirrors. Who you choose to date is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Call me an artist, I draw attention.
One day your life will flash before your eyes, make sure it’s worth watching.
A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me,he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.
Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog shit off your shoe.
I would hate to be a dragon.
I would get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
Yeah, Okay, Alright, Yep, Got it, Mhm, Sure, Yes, Ok, BYE MOM!
That awkward moment when you put accidentally write a wink instead of a smiley face and turns the whole conversation perverted.
If life was easy I would be bored.
I hate when my parents never let me go anywhere and then ask me why I am always on the computer..