I am pretty sure
I am pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
The 3 most common lies on the internet: 1) I have read and agreed to the terms of service. 2) Status: Offline. 3) I am over 18.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk.
It’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation.
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the Like button
operator: 911 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: OK.
HOS is on your mind at this very moment
A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like “What are you doing here?
Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?
I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could drown you in them.
“Does this dress make me look fat?” “No, the fat makes you look fat.”
I’m not high maintenance. I am just a precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
That awkward moment when You have 10 minutes left for your exam, And suddenly you remember EVERYTHING.
If you keep looking back at the one who doesn’t deserve you, you may miss the one you deserve.
I wonder why everything becomes 100 times louder when you aren’t trying to wake someone up.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
HOS is suffering from insanity…and enjoying every minute of it!
That awkward moment when you think someone was waving at you, so you wave back, then play it off like you were just scratching your head.
On the phone: Well, I better get going. = “I am tired of talking to you.”
Just modified my GPS for when my kids are in the car. It says “No, we are not there yet!” every 30 seconds.
“Hey, it’s been 6 seconds, go check your phone again!” – My Brain
Make peace with your past, enjoy your present, and hope for your future.
Looking at your ex and wondering, was I drunk the entire relationship?
Do you know why peple rush to get off the Plane? Because the Last one off the plane must clean it.
Procrastinator? No. I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser.
Why don’t u go buy a diary instead of posting your whole life story on Facebook?
I don’t know how but most people can laugh in photos and still look pretty… while I look like an awkward horse.
I fart. Why?… because it’s the only gas I can afford.
HER: Oh my God! I lost 2 kilograms! Guy: Great, you finally took off your makeup!
Dear God, I’ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven’t been mean at all, but I’m about to get up now and I may need your help 🙂
I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!
Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. – I am out babes!
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Happy Friendship Day.
I am Still waiting for what didn’t kill me to make me strong.
Dear Haters, thanks for keeping my name in every conversation of yours.
HOS is phoning a friend
My gf died in my arms. Actually I was holding her under the water.
Life without you is like; Twitter without followers, Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, and Google with no results..
My hair always looks best when no one really sees it, like when I’m just home.
HOS is attempting to give a damn
If you’re too cool for school…then practice saying “Would you like fries with that?”
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
Honey, please tell a therapist, not Facebook.
Thank you phone, for letting me look at you in awkward situations.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
You’re angry at me for that? That’s cool, just let me know when you grow up.
Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.
After reading this line you will realize that the the brain doesn’t recongnize a second “the”.
Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
Don’t yell at your kids. Lean in and whisper. It’s much scarier.
Any time someone tells you they’re “about 20 minutes away” they’re lying. They haven’t left yet.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you!
HOS is living vicariously through herself.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
HOS is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death
Do you have a drink problem? Yes, I can’t afford it.
When I am on my deathbed, I want my last words to be Left £10 million in the……
Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face.
CARTOONS: The only place you can wear the same thing everyday & nobody cares.
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Good writing means taking the effort out of the reading.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
FACEBOOK: Wasting lives & causing drama since 2004.
I would date you so hard, then marry the shit out of you!
Oh, you play FarmVille and Mafia Wars? Please send me 24865258525 requests.
Hey, look at the bright side… oh I am sorry, YOU don’t have one of those.
Getting off the internet at night is often the hardest part of my day.
Dear food, either stop being delicious or stop making me fat.
That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stand in line and you`re near the cashier and they haven`t come back yet.
I don’t trip. I freestyle walk.
The internet is like high school. Except everything really does go on your permanent record.
BAD GUYS IN MOVIES: But before I kill you, I wanna tell you this really long story, so you can be saved.