would like a refund
would like a refund on this life.
If you’re a 90’s kid, you’re not really a kid anymore.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep
Newton’s laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
HOS is Loading ???????????? 99%
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
The only time it’s cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble.
HOS is having delusions of adequacy
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The Obituary Columns … Facebook for the over 70’s
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
That awkward moment when new people you just met remember your name, but you can remember theirs.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Remember, It’s mandatory to grow old, but it’s optional to grow up.
My neighbours listen to some excellent music. Whether they want to or not.
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.
When I was little, I used to close the fridge door really slowly just to see when the light went out.
Let’s have a garden party, Lettuce Turnip the Beet.
I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voice-mails.
If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand exactly like you.
Essentials of a happy marriage:
Tools, Internet Options, Delete Cookies, Delete Temporary Internet Files, Delete History.
says: Remember JESUS LOVES YOU… It’s everyone else who thinks you’re an idiot.
Pretty face gets attention. Pretty heart gets commitment.
You lied to me to protect yourself, not to protect me.
Relationships with women are a challenge, they are tests, and I treat them as such. I cheat.
Why is “All Together” written separately, but “Separately” is written all together?
That moment when you instantly have karate moves when a bee flys by.
“Dude look at that!” *steals french fry* “What?” “Never mind.”
Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring? Well it’s hair, what did you expect?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
MEPHOBIA: a fear of becoming so awesome that the human race can’t handle it and everybody dies.
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections – I let her talk.
I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.
I went to the time travelers seminar tomorrow. If it’s any good, I’m definitely going back yesterday.
It’s awkward when you spend the night at a friend’s house and you wake up before them in the morning.
HOS is selling his soul for a bag of skittles
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one!
That once in a lifetime moment when Mom agrees to buy what you want without arguing!
Why do we have to be quiet during a fire drill? Will the fire hear us?
Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
I came to the house soaking wet and I am greeted by “Is it Raining?” Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk…. DUH!
Ive decided to follow the health advice given in the news recently and avoid alcohol 3 days a week. Now I just have to decide which week.
trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
usbdfoaierngwerinewp’xfcghj4tyu tfyguhij whoops, sorry i saw a spider on the keyboard.
You’re in a relationship to be happy, to smile, to laugh & to make good memories. Not to constantly be upset, to feel hurt & to cry.
Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
Say no to drugs. Although, if you’re talking to drugs, it may be too late.
When I call my parents, and they don’t answer it’s no big deal but when they call me and i dont answer its like world war III.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me…
98% of guys are hot. The other 2% go to my school.
HOS is diagonally parked in a parallel universe
My advise to all the young people out there, “Do not grow up; it’s a trap!
Stop, drop, and roll isn’t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools and accepted by idiots.
To everyone finishing university this week, congratulations on your degree!And welcome to unemployment.
I am not shy, I am holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Saying “Oh yeah, I remember” when you really don’t.
I would love to treat some people the way they treat me and see if they could cope.
Maybe you should go eat some makeup… so you can be “pretty” on the inside too?
Life is really simple but sometimes we can make it complicate for no reason.
You’ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can’t reach it.
Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You’re talking to birds and I am the one doing drugs?”
You wish doing homework burned calories.
Never be dependent on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness.
That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.
HOS is out walking her pet fish
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
I am never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
I wish the “Don’t ask me again” option existed in real life!
HOS is Now in all good toy shops, batteries not included
The real danger of chewing gum at school isn’t being caught by your teachers, its being caught by your friends.
Me: “I wanna go on a diet.” Food: “LOL! No.