used to have no
used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!
I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
The songs I like always come on when I am supposed to be getting out of my car!
Use your smile to change this world. Dont let this world change your smile.
Dear Mobile phone, thank you for being there when I am in awkward situations
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone & my power goes out.
If you don’t do stupid things while your’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
I will do anything humanly impossible to reach the remote, without getting up.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes. It’s my screen saviour.
Stop saying “everything happens for a reason” every time you mess up! Shit happens because YOU let it.
Admit it, you’ve lied to get out of hanging out with someone.
Dear high school movies, Please start hiring actors who are ACTUALLY high school age. Sincerely, you’re not fooling anyone
If I have 10 chocolate cakes & someone asks me for 1, how many chocolate cakes do I have left? That’s right 10.
Here’s my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.
Google is developing glasses that’ll let you access the Internet through a lens… just in case normal glasses aren’t nerdy enough for you.
Life without you is like; Twitter without followers, Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, and Google with no results..
What to do when you’re wrong: A) Admit You’re Wrong. B) Make Adjustments. C) Move Along.
How much coke has Charlie Sheen done? Enough to kill 2 1/2 men
Hide ‘n’ seek champs: 1. Osama Bin Laden 2. Waldo 3. My phone on silent.
Dont cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
What’s the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got fat.
Girls are like police. Once they get hold of all the evidences, they still want to hear the truth from you.
Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
The official lazy rule of teenagers: can’t reach it, don’t need it.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
When a little kid is chasing you, you run slow so they think they’re fast.
Beauty: OMG I lost 5 pounds! Nerd: So you finally took off your makeup…
When you want them, they don’t want you. When they want you, you don’t want them. When you both want each other, something messes it up.
Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I am in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!
HOS is pretty fly for a white guy
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
R.I.P Facebook! Murdered by Spam, Grandparents, Parents, Shoe selling models, Jordan Heels, and fake Bin Ladin ads!
HOS is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.
I want to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.
During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome!
Life is as simple as ABC- Arsenal Beat Chelsea
HOS is still that same great taste just fewer calories
Oh, you play FarmVille and Mafia Wars? Please send me 24865258525 requests.
That awkward moment when nobody likes your Facebook status.
I am wondering how skinny would i be if i had to pedal to keep my laptop running.
Girls claiming that they’re “Barbies” ….. they look more like Barbarians.
I wonder what the traffic lights were used for when cars hadn’t been invented yet..
I don’t listen to people when I am texting.
Dear Voldemort, they screwed up your nose too?! Sincerely, Michael Jackson.
The pen is mightier than the sword. You stab me with a pen, I will stab you with a sword.
Teacher: From all this talking I assume you’re done with your work. Student: LOL, from all this complaining I assume you’re still single.
Ladies, if a man doesn’t answer your “What are you doing tonight?” text till it’s already night time, you’re Plan B.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
I wish I could just like someone’s text so I wouldnt have to reply. Facebook are you listening?
I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught..
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
When you want to say something and then you realize that the person you’re talking with shouldn’t know about it. “And – Oh.. Never mind”
1600’s: “Oh Romeo, I am writing to inform you that I have recieved your letter & I’ve been left quite speechless.” 2012: “K.”
My mind must be on sale. It’s 50% off.
Why does everyone want their love to be like a movie when it only lasts 2 hours?
Going to bed and counting how many hours of sleep you’re going to get.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.
Life is like a bull; You need to grab it by the horns to have any chance of controlling it.
Have you ever waked up pissed at someone because of something they did to you in your dream?
A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
McDonalds: Best place to breakup with your Girlfriend. There are no sharp knives, forks or heavy plates & you can always hide behind a fat kid
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?
What if your webcam was on right now and broadcasting in times square?
B.I.T.C.H = Beautiful. Intelligent. Talented. Charming. Hell of a Woman.
Fake is the new trend…. And everyone seems to be in style.
Flying is learning how to fall without hitting the ground.
Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go!?
Who else becomes super strong when you have to bring in groceries, because you don’t wanna take 2 trips.
Some of the best and worst lies I’ve ever told are excuses for why I am late.
That awkward moment when someone asks you what’s wrong and they’re the problem.
I would rather be bored at my friends house than bored at my house.