says why is it
says why is it that whenever there’s two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else?
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
The secret of life is not to do what you like but to like what you do.
Oh, you like all of your own statuses? Do you give yourself high fives too?
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking..
Wow, I can teleport .
If I drink alcohol I am alcoholic. So if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!
HOS is fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals
How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?
Real men don’t cheat, real men don’t lie, real men don’t hit women, real men…. Where are you?
Common sense is like deodorant… The people who need it most never use it.
Five Best Smells: 1) Fresh Laundry. 2) The air before it rains. 3) Something baking in the oven. 4) Freshly cut grass. 5) New shoes.
If my room is clean, it means that Twitter is not working.
I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.
Don’t make fun of fat girls, they have enough on their plates.
You deserve better “Seriously? That`s what I always hear. Where the hell is better?”
Bald people shouldn’t wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant.
Teacher: When was the Second World War fought? Me: From page 126 to page 143.
Dear KARMA, I know someone who is DESPERATELY awaiting your visit!
There’s something about your face…that makes my fist so attracted to it.
Dear Winter, I think we should spend some time apart… I am gonna try to work things out with my ex, Summer.
HOS is CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK AWARENESS DAY
Just remember anyone before me was a mistake and anyone after me is a downgrade
Fact: Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: Goodbye, school.
Someday, your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
HOS is filmed in front of a live studio audience
That annoying moment when your headphones only work on one side.
If you don’t have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.
I can’t get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan!
Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your pin codes and passwords.
The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all of your flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses and still thinks you’re completely amazing.
HOS is NOT the father!
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
HOS is swearing to drunk that he is not god…
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.
People who say “No, and here’s why…” need to realize that we stopped listening after the “no” part.
Hi, may I help you?” “No I just waited 15 minutes in the line to say Hi.
Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?
Patience: is what parents have when there are witnesses!
I wrapped batteries for a Christmas gift to my little cousin and wrote a note saying- TOY NOT INCLUDED
Don’t mind me, I’m just typing this so I don’t look like a loner in public while waiting for my friends.
You should introduce your upper lip to your lower lip sometime and shut up!
Newton’s laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
I don’t get it, if Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, how did it fall?
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Age is just a number… Unless you’re 17 and hes 32… then its just so damn creepy…
Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must’ve been none of your damn business.
HOS is feeling strangely happy.
Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair… so please quit teaching me that lesson.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
“You look tired” is just a polite way for someone to tell you that you look like shit.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends … if only all girls thought like the spice girls
People varnish, people die, people laugh & people cry, some give up, some try, some say hi & some say bye, that’s how life is.
Dear MTV, What the hell happened? Sincerely, Music.
A Big Mac, Large fries, and a Diet Coke? You must really be watching your calories. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Yes phone, I realize I have a low battery. Thanks for alerting me 50 million times.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I bet MySpace and Google+ are in a bar somewhere, drinking away their sorrows.
Pretty face gets attention. Pretty heart gets commitment.
When you’re in a museum or something and there’s a “Don’t touch” sign. Challenge accepted.
The awkward moment when the teacher is looking for people to answer the question, and you accidentally make eye contact.
Facebook : Posting 100’s of statuses in a day = OBSESSED, Twitter : Posting 100’s of tweets in a day = NORMAL.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn’t that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research
No one can ruin your day without your permission.
“Page 404 Not Found” I wasn’t even looking for page 404.
HOS is letting you know your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory
That urge you get to write, “No one gives a shit” on someone’s status.
My Mother in Law’s car mirror says “Warning object in mirror is ugly as hell”
That awkward moment when someone starts acting drunk after 1 drink.
Remembering a song from years ago, but not being able to remember what I learned yesterday in class.
HOS is Feeding your dog Chocolate
HOS has 99 problems. Don’t become the 100th one
Sorry. I am not staring at you. I am daydreaming and you were in my way.