obsesses over spectacular slam
obsesses over spectacular slam dunks
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don’t have a little brother..
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge!
I am going to take off my clothes, crawl into bed, turn off the light and play games on my phone..
Screw love poems, we need more breakup poems- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Trash is dumped, & so are you.
Those of you who complain constantly about Facebook but never log off must be tons of fun at parties.
Taxes are basically just money you pay the government so they don’t put you in jail.
HOS is poking you with a spork
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, & crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you will go broke.
Life (n):A disease that results in death. There is currently no known cure.
HOS is wondering what flavor milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
My microwave is awesome at heating up my plate and leaving my food frozen.
FLIRTATIONSHIP: when you and your friend flirt non-stop, But you know you will never really do anything.
You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.
I would love to start working out, but I am beefing up for my “before” picture.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: ‘Thanks for coming.’
Multi-tasking = Screwing up several things at once.
I’m going to spend Valentine’s day with my ex….. Box 360
Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
If you’re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
I wish those red, squiggly spellcheck lines would show up when some people talk.
is trying to remember what we all used to do before facebook was invented
That awkward moment when you throw something at your friend and it hits somebody else.
Whenever I see fishes in a tank, I feel the need to poke the glass and scare them.
You hate me, cause you ain’t me.
When the teacher writes a bunch of mathematical bullshit on the board and asks if there’s any questions.. “Yeah, what the hell is that?”
“I Love My Wife” bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Growing old is manditory but growing up…well that my friends…is OPTIONAL!
Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer.
On the internet you can be whoever you want. It’s odd that so many choose to be stupid.
3 of the most common lies: 1. I love you. 2. We will be together forever. 3. You will use algebra in real life.
HOS is having an excellent adventure with Bill and Ted
When I say “there’s nothing to eat”…. I mean there’s nothing I like.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I laugh at my own jokes because I’m hilarious.
Shutdown my laptop > Brush my teeth > Go to bed > Unlock my iPhone > Check Twitter > Set alarm > Lock.. > Unlock again > Twitter again ….
I am not anti-social or shy, I just dont see the point in talking to you.
[BE]LIEVE IN [YOU]RSELF.
I am like your virginity, Once I am gone, you aren’t getting me back.
I would love to treat some people the way they treat me and see if they could cope.
Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Telling your parents stories about you and your friends but cutting out the inappropiate parts.
They say that money can’t solve problems, but I am pretty sure it would solve my money problem.
When I drop my phone, I act like I’ve let a new born baby slip through my hands.
The moment you`re laughing so hard and you try to stop, but you look at the person and laugh again.
While I was running today, I heard clapping. It was just my thighs cheering me on. Gotta lose some weight man!
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, I am not adding you.
There’s only one thing you can do to combat a liar; stop believing and start leaving.
Smile, because it’s easier than explaining why you’re so sad
Why women cry- 15% Sadness 5% Happiness 80% ???
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Ever wanted to answer every question with a middle finger? That’s kinda where I am at today….
thinks that a bad thing about a good thing is that it always comes to an end.
HOS had his left side removed. He’s all right now
There’s no panic like trying to press “End” when you make an accidental call.
A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.
HOS is out of her mind and have gone to look for it.
HOS almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.
Too many people have the “New year, New me” statuses. Nobody actually changes.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.
That moment when you are walking on the street alone, remember something funny and you just can’t stop smiling like a retard.
“I wasn’t that drunk!” “Dude…you were yelling ‘Come at me Bro!’ to the mirror.”
I have always wanted to walk into a food place and say, “The usual please.”
How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G.
I’m not saying I hate you. I’m just saying if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn’t giving me enough food.
If I have 10 chocolate cakes & someone asks me for 1, how many chocolate cakes do I have left? That’s right 10.
I just want to thank you, because your hate is what makes me stronger.
That awkward moment when you can tell that people are talking about you.
OH NO! I’m sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.
Today, my mother commented “loser” on my Facebook profile picture. She got 47 likes.
I wanna live my life, young, wild, and free. … but I am afraid of my parents.
If lying was a job, I know a few people who would be millionaires.