is trying to keep
is trying to keep her eyes open when she sneezes
God doesn’t make mistakes. Trust it, when someone ends up in your past, they’re there for a reason.
No matter how many pens I buy, they always “mysteriously” go missing.
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed!
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
is trying to remember what we all used to do before facebook was invented
Parent: I am going to be home late tonight. Normal Person: Nice, I could sneak out and party. Me: Nice, I could sing as loud as I want.
“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore….”
is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?
I don’t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.
When I say “there’s nothing to eat”…. I mean there’s nothing I like.
Smart Idea: If you lose something in your room, take a picture of your room, put it on facebook and play “I Spy.
H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K – [H]alf [O]f [M]y [E]nergy [W]asted [O]n [R]andom [K]nowledge.
Don’t you hate it when you’re NOT in a good mood… and you really don’t know why?
When someone has a nickname, calling them by their real name sounds weird.
Do you like her/him? Yeah! Then stop reading this and go tell her/him.
Women say that men have it easy because we never experience childbirth. How the hell do they think we got here?
Multi-tasking = Screwing up several things at once.
Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don’t!
There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner.
I don’t get nervous if I am surrounded by beautiful women. I know they’re all too busy hating each other to notice me.
I love you. *erases* I miss u. *erases*. Can we talk? *erases* Hey. *sends*
Dear everyone, always remember that when you fall, I’ll pick you up. But just AFTER I finish laughing.
Promises are like babies…Fun to make but hell to deliver.
An expert is a person who has made all of the mistakes possible in a very specific field.
HOS is a cereal killer
Just remember, karma has everybody’s address.
The awkward moment when everything in the shop is on sale yet you’re still too poor to buy anything.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
I believe in love, but I don’t believe I’ll ever find it.
iPhone + iPod + iPad + iMac = iWant 😉
OMG, weekends should be longer than 2 days! “Yeah. So should your relationships.”
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
I hate when celebrities go on TV and tell us to donate… You make 10 million a movie, why don’t you send some money!
I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up
Be what you wanna be, not what other people want to see.
We all have chapters, in our lives, we don’t want published. Be reminded though that it’s those chapters which make the book worth reading.
Hmm, parents are out of town. I am gonna do something I am not allowed to do. *drinks milk from carton* God, I am so bad.
The awkward moment when that fat person sighs.. ‘I am fat’ Expecting you to reply.. ‘No you’re not”. but you say “Yep”.
Ever looked at your best-friend and thought “why aren’t we comedians?”
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your music. When I am driving it scares the crap out of me.
I hate when I am watching my favorite show, And right when something good is about to happen.. “NEXT WEEK ON
We should all be thankful for Facebook & twitter. The way fuel prices are headed, we may never actually SEE our friends again.
HOS is processing please wait
I am pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood..
That look you give your friend when they say something they weren’t supposed to mention in front of your parents…
I hate being tired in school and thinking ‘I am going to take a nap as soon as I get home.’ and then when I get home I am not tired anymore.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep
The lazy rule: Can’t reach what I dropped. Don’t need it!
Fat person: “I am not fat I am big boned!” Me: “Uhhmm bones don’t jiggle “
The awkward moment when you ask a sales lady for help, and she turns out to be a customer.
I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.
is single…and you’re going to have to be freakin’ awesome to change that!!
Don’t believe everything you think.
HOS is allergic to liars
I am not anti-social or shy, I just dont see the point in talking to you.
I don’t hate you… but if you were hurt really badly and I had the phone to call an ambulance, I would order a pizza.
It’s too bad you can’t punch someone’s personality.
I hate days where I have way too much going on in my mind.
I have got some reliable inside information about Apple’s next product.
I won’t be able to afford it.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it “yoga”?
“You look tired” is just a polite way for someone to tell you that you look like shit.
I should just change my voicemail greeting to: “Please hang up and text me, thanks.”
On Sunday nights, if you listen closely, you can hear Monday taunting you with the Jaws theme.
That moment when CAPS LOCK is not enough to express your anger.
Is there anything more nerve-wracking than your girlfriend typing youtube into your address bar?
Those who like me, raise your hands!!
& those who don’t like me, RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.
The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.
HOS is fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals
Why don’t autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?
1. Call everybody´s attention 2. Go to Google 3. Type Drunk Naked Midget Clown 4. Done! Now everybody at work knows you are a pervert.
I decorated my bedroom to look like a classroom so I can fall asleep faster.
HOS is a Figment of your imagination
You don`t get scared during the scary movie, but you just get scared after when you’re all alone.