is single and you
is single…and you’re going to have to be freakin’ awesome to change that!!
s grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
Helping drinking buddies determine who is right and wrong since 1997.
Friend: *Shares a bag of chips* …Best friends: *Eats them all, then gives you the empty bag* “You can have the rest.”
Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.
When you are losing an argument on the internet, remember that attacking your opponents’ spelling and punctuation is always advisable.
If I have 10 chocolate cakes & someone asks me for 1, how many chocolate cakes do I have left? That’s right 10.
Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!
Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.
Dear face wash commercials, nobody actually splashes their faces with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.
Dear Blackberry……HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Sincerely, Apple.
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: ‘Thanks for coming.’
Those moments when You stare into each other’s eyes for a split second And it feels like the world is in your hands.
You know you’re ugly when you’re the one asked to take the photo
You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.
Due to Facebook I now know what everybody’s pregnant belly looks like!
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I bet MySpace and Google+ are in a bar somewhere, drinking away their sorrows.
That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones save its life.
Everytime I lose my phone… it’s always on either silent or vibrate. How convenient…
2 hour movie, 40 second making out scene… Guess which part your parents walk in on…..
You smoke?! Wow! You’re SO cool! LOL, Just Kidding.. Have fun dying.
Yea I am WEIRD. (W)onderful, (E)xciting, (I)nteresting, (R)eal, (D)ifferent.
Square box, round pizza, triangle slices. I am “confused”!
When I text someone and they don’t text me back, I automatically assume that they probably fainted from excitement.
Those of you who complain constantly about Facebook but never log off must be tons of fun at parties.
I don’t have a pet, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won’t even chase the laser pen.. It’s got 8 eyes so I know he sees it.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.
Temple run = A pointless game thats “very” addicting.
Locking your car again because you can’t remember if you heard the horn beep the first time.
If meat is murder, then milk is robbery.
Marry me? (1) Yes. (2) Choice 1. (3) Choice 2.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
Admit It. You’re scared to text him because you feel like you’re annoying him.
I don’t understand fast food.
I have been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
Don’t feel special I only keep your number in my phone so I know not to answer when you call.
During a test when the teacher passes by, you cover your answers with your hand so that the teacher cant see how stupid you are.
When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos.
must be stored in a cool dry place away from sunlight.
HOS is making cows laugh and watching milk run out their nose
How do you stop a child from bed wetting? Electric Blanket.
HOS is too fast, but not really that furious
Screw love poems, we need more breakup poems- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Trash is dumped, & so are you.
Height of addiction: Just before hanging, judge asked the prisoner: any last wish? Prisoner: yes. I want to update my facebook status as dead.
“My memory is so bad” “How bad is it” “How bad is what?”
After awhile, waiting gets boring. Your crush doesn’t seem so attractive anymore and you realize you need to stop wasting your time.
Wife: My gynecologist says I can’t make out for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?
I think I’ll change my name to ‘No One’ on Facebook. That way, when I add people, it will say ‘No One wants to be your friend.’
That annoying person who texts you again if you don’t reply within 18 seconds.
I am like your virginity, Once I am gone, you aren’t getting me back.
If by ‘studying’ you mean ‘drinking with friends,’ then yes I will study.
Twitter: Its amazing how irritating people can be in 140 characters or less.
Thank you phone, for letting me look at you in awkward situations.
HOS has been modified from his original version. He has been formatted to fit your Screen.
I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.
You hate me, cause you ain’t me.
Birthdays 1998 – ‘Wow! Look at all these presents!’ … Birthdays now- ‘Wow! Look at all these notifications!’
How to create a signature: -Write the first letter of your name. -Scribble.
When one door closes, another opens. Tell that to Josef Fritzl’s daughter.
Facebook is like boys. Once you understand them, they change.
77% of girls think they’re ugly. 52% of girls think they’re fat. 100% of society should stop insulting girls for their appearances.
Why women cry- 15% Sadness 5% Happiness 80% ???
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.
I believe in love, but I don’t believe I’ll ever find it.
HOS is surrounded by incompetence.
I’ve realized that when my wife says “what?” its not because she didn’t hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said
sometimes, not remembering may be the better way God has chosen for us.
HOS is everything you’re not.
Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. – I am out babes!
Bad guys in movies: “But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so you can be saved.”
Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.
When I was little, I used to close the fridge door really slowly just to see when the light went out.
is on strike! she will not be talking to anyone, until her demands are met. she wants a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you’re middle finger HIGHER!
I’m about to rewrite history. History.