is now on two
is now on two diets…because she was still hungry after just one
wishes diet burgers, diet pizzas and diet fries existed!! The world would be a whole lot better
I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.
That moment when you hear someone call your bestfriend their bestfriend and you’re like….. No.
If she has 500 likes and 500 comments on a picture, what’s missing? Her clothes.
If we aren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why does the fridge have a light?
I Am not shy, I am holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you…
We used to talk everyday, now it’s like we don’t even know each other.
When you want them, they don’t want you. When they want you, you don’t want them. When you both want each other, something messes it up.
likes big butts and he cannot lie
By mainly talking only to myself, I frequently am impressed with how intelligent and witty the conversation is.
HOS is processing please wait
If she has 500 likes and 400 comments in a photo, what’s missing? Her clothes.
When I say “The other day” It can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
I love my mom, no matter what we go through, no matter how much we argue, because I know, at the end, she’ll always be there.
“It’s hot in here!” “Sorry, Should I leave?”
Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same.
That annoying person who texts you again if you don’t reply within 18 seconds.
Shampoo bottle directions: “Why are you looking at the directions? It’s shampoo, just put it on your head, stupid.”
At least a zombie would love me for my brain.
HOS is out of her mind and have gone to look for it.
Honking at me won’t make the “no turn on red” sign change.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
If laughing was a sport, I’d be fit.
Girl: Why are you sending me blank Text Messages? Boy: Because I am not talking to you…
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections – I let her talk.
I want unlimited cash…
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
is trying to sell a useless set of feelings
No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future
I don’t trip. I freestyle walk.
Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
Twitter.The only place you can legally follow women
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
I am going to open an Asian restauraunt on a boat and call it the Thai-tanic.
I`m painting a blue square in my backyard, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Have you seen the new movie “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet.
HOS is as seen on TV
Can’t pronounce Menu item… Don’t order it.
HOS is Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected the expected
People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
Drinking my coffee this morning was giving me a massive pain in my left eye. Should’ve taken out the spoon!
Cant afford doctor, just go to the airport. You get a free xray and breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda and you get a free colonoscopy.
I came to the house soaking wet and I am greeted by “Is it Raining?” Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk…. DUH!
Got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Success sleeps with you in private. Failure insults you in public!
The only “B” word you should call a women is beautiful. Babes love to be called beautiful.
Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.
HOS is sick and tired of always being sick and tired!
Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.
Facebook poking started in prison.
Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died & yes, it was tragic.
I hate seeing people go back to the same person who hurt them 65757848648563 times.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Good things come to those who wait but great things come to those who don’t just sit around waiting for shit to happen!
I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.
American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.
HOS is happy and you know it, so clap your hands!
It’s impossible to say “I wasn’t talking to you” politely.
You’re at starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I’ve never seen one before.
If I was a superhero I would choose the ability to see through glass
That moment when you choke on water and it feels like you’re going to die.
I hate to call it “one night stands.” I prefer “auditions.”
What time is it?.. There’s a clock right there. “DID I ASK YOU WHERE THE CLOCK WAS?“
Me: I am sad. Everyone: … Pretty girl: I am sad. Everyone: OMG talk to me sweetie, I am here for you, your beautiful & amazing, don’t be sad.
Bad guys in movies: “But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so you can be saved.”
HOS had a handle on life but it broke
My level of immaturity changes depending on who I am with!
If my iPhone is so smart, why the heck did it let me call my Ex last night?
Teacher: When was the Second World War fought? Me: From page 126 to page 143.
I only use Facebook to complain about new Facebook features.
After reading this, you will notice that the the human brain doesn’t inform you that the the word “the” has been repeated twice every time.
HOS is so jobless that he’s replying every spam message