People think smoking is hard to quit. God, clearly they haven’t tried to quit Twitter yet!
When talking with a woman in her 30s, it’s super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she’s in her 30s.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Being nice to people you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them.
In the future, I’ll tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet thus blowing their minds forever.
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e. Not B4. We speak English. Not bingo.
A girl’s best asset is her lie ability.
Best friends have conversations impossible to understand by other people.
[BE]LIEVE IN [YOU]RSELF.
Make out with a car so your baby’s a transformer.
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
Promises are like babies…Fun to make but hell to deliver.
Why do beer companies bother with an expiration date…it’s never going to make it anywhere near that!
The first to apologize is the bravest…the first to forgive is the strongest…and the first to forget is the happiest.
I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.
I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could drown you in them.
No, I am not sleeping. I am just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
When I am on the phone I move my arms around when I am giving directions even if the person can’t see me.
Making faces to a stranger’s baby when their parents aren’t looking…
Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Me all school year: When is summer?
Me during summer: Ok, now what.
If you need space, join NASA
Don’t have kids until you’re so tired, you’re ready to have all your fun by proxy.
That moment when CAPS LOCK is not enough to express your anger.
says don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Do you know that GRAVITY is stronger at morning . . . . It is proven in the fact Its so hard to get up from the bed.
A touching Story:A little boy saw a puppy. He went near it & touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it. Oh! What a touching story
Why won’t the machines just take over already? I am tired of doing stuff.
is trying to keep her eyes open when she sneezes
Biggest and most common lie a nurse tells: “The doctor will be right in.”
HOS is high on life… and glue
I’m going to spend Valentine’s day with my ex….. Box 360
They say the hottest person in a party never gets hit on because people are intimidated. I am just going to assume that’s why I never get hit on.
Can’t get your homework done “with” the internet it and can’t get your homework done “without” it.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Those who like me, raise your hands!!
& those who don’t like me, RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.
I want a relationship, not a relationshit.”
Exams don’t test what you know. They test how well you can study the night before.
It’s been exactly a year since I stopped smoking. And 364 days since I started again.
Dad: Those people on Twitter are going to come to your house and rape you. Me: Dad. They barely ever leave their room.
Surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I am their case manager.
The awkward moment when you’re smiling at your phone and your parents ask who you’re talking to.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
My math teacher acused me of cheating, I cant help that the english teacher is more hot.
Oh, you play FarmVille and Mafia Wars? Please send me 24865258525 requests.
No matter how old you are, when the ketchup bottle farts, it’s funny.
The only person whose trouble are behind them is the school bus driver.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Statements are 85% more believable when backed by made-up stastics.
HOS is processing please wait
Music is my drug, YouTube is my Dealer.
People who say “No, and here’s why…” need to realize that we stopped listening after the “no” part.
I always wanted a good job and to drive fancy cars… finally I am a valet.
I bought a great new holder for my apple and blackberry…
its called a fruit bowl
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The best kinds of laughter: 1) Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2) Feeling a 6 pack coming. 3) Tears in your eyes.
The people that doubt you are usually the ones that know you can succeed.
is trying to sell a useless set of feelings
Mom: Did you get home safely? Me: No, I died like 5 times.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
has just had Guinness Book of Records on the phone, they want to measure my ironing pile.
You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You don’t find something? MOM!
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Randomly staring at your phone to avoid an awkward situation.
If they don’t chase you when you walk away… keep walking
To do list: 1. Buy a parrot. 2. Teach the parrot to say, “Help!! I turned into a parrot!” 3. Leave it in a public area.
If you have to wake me up to ask me for something, the answer is automatically, “No!”
Never hold your farts in! They travel up your spine and into your brain… Then you end up with shitty thoughts!
Oh look, it’s raining outside. I think I’ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don’t have a window of their own.
FACEBOOK: Wasting lives & causing drama since 2004.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them !