I am actually quite
I am actually quite pleasant until I am awake
I don’t respect excuses, most excuses are just thought out lies.
That kick ass moment when the teacher calls on you because they don’t think you were paying attention, and you get the answer right.
R.I.P Facebook! Murdered by Spam, Grandparents, Parents, Shoe selling models, Jordan Heels, and fake Bin Ladin ads!
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood..
Singing na-na-na when I can’t remember a part of song lyric.
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
You call it “Immature” and “Irresponsible”…. I call it FUN!
Oh really? I can skip your ad in 5 seconds? Well until then I’ll have my computer on mute and my eyes closed.
My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I am 22 mom, I don’t talk to strangers, I date them.
Every book you’ve ever read is just a different combination of the same 26 letters.
Who is the angry one while playing angry birds? 10% the birds. 90% me.
You were born as an original. Don’t die as a copy.
Dear crush: If your “shower brb” was intended to make me imagine you naked… mission accomplished.
Don’t mind me, I’m just typing this so I don’t look like a loner in public while waiting for my friends.
What the teacher says: You may now begin the test. What I hear: May the odds be forever in your favor.
“Page 404 Not Found” I wasn’t even looking for page 404.
That annoying voice your mom uses when she`s talking to babies.
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with according to the prophecy
If she has 500 likes and 400 comments in a photo, what’s missing? Her clothes.
In the future, I’ll tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet thus blowing their minds forever.
Miracles do happen even on Facebook and Twitter. Come Sunday and suddenly everyone becomes a preacher.
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look ugly.
Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack
Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
No I am not crazy, I am normal with a splash of Awesome.
Admit it, at least once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position.
If you’re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Just watched my wedding video backwards – Loved the part where I took off the ring, left the church, and left with my friends.
Checking your phone to see what time it is and checking it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
Whenever I pack for a vacation, I always feel like I am forgetting something.
How do you keep someone in suspense? I will tell you later.
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
If it doesn’t involve you, it should not concern you.
Trying to look like I am interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
That awkward moment when you say you’re not hungry, and then your belly rumbles.
The closest that I’ve gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop…
HOS is so much cooler online!
1) Vodka is made from potatoes. 2) Potatoes are vegetables. 3) Vegetables are good for you. You’re welcome.
Dad writes on sons FB wall:
Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss u a lot. Please! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER.
I am a really down to earth guy because, you know… gravity!
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet…. I get hungry.
Dear Kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely, Wikileaks.
That awkward moment when you finish a good book / TV series and you have to face the reality of your boring life.
If showing your body makes you modern, then, animals are more modern than humans!
Ever check your Twitter early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.
I don’t care if your son is 3, I am not giving up this swing.
The little dance your thumbs do when you’re not sure how to reply to a text.
5 simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
I won’t take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move. Duh!
Honking at me won’t make the “no turn on red” sign change.
HOS has issues. Would you care to listen?
I am wondering how skinny would i be if i had to pedal to keep my laptop running.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
HOS is on your mind at this very moment
CURSING: It helps relieve pain by 50% percent 🙂
Why do people say “Nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I am a jerk.
On the internet you can be whoever you want. It’s odd that so many choose to be stupid.
I really need to stop saying, “how stupid can you be?” People are taking it as a challenge..
People ask me why i don’t have any tattoos, i tell them: would you put a bumper sticker on your Ferrari?
About 50 percent of parents friend their children on Facebook, other 50% find less technological ways to embarrass their kids.
My Ex Texted Me: “I Miss You…” So I Replied: “We’re sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn’t give a damn.”
Friend:Can I copy your homework? Me: yeah, but its all wrong.. Friend: dude did I ask if it was right?!
I don’t agree with women when they say a nice dress can make anyone feel good. I just felt a bit gay
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light. May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
Studies have shown smoking weed causes short term memory loss…..Next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss
Smart Idea: If you lose something in your room, take a picture of your room, put it on facebook and play “I Spy.
Have you ever noticed how the contents of a box are much more interesting before the box is opened?
Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.