had a brief but
had a brief but terrifying bout of sanity, but everything is back to normal now.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!
You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger!
You know you play on the PlayStation too much when ‘O’ in the alphabet is pronounced ‘Circle.’
if you cant laugh at yourself, ill be happy to do it for you
That awkward moment when you finish a good book / TV series and you have to face the reality of your boring life.
The phrase “money doesn’t buy happiness” should end with “just kidding”.
never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Hide ‘n’ seek champs: 1. Osama Bin Laden 2. Waldo 3. My phone on silent.
When someone has a nickname, calling them by their real name sounds weird.
Once you notice something, you keep noticing it everywhere.
You know you’re getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
WON THE LOTTERY!!!………………………… and then I woke up.
“I wasn’t that drunk”… “Dude, You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice”.
you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture
The only obstacle to following my dreams is the alarm clock.
Torturing yourself with depressing music when you’re already sad.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?
Why I try samples at stores: 5% I’m thinking of buying the product 95% I want free food
obsesses over spectacular slam dunks
Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA!
HOS is bringing good looks back? honey you are the reason good looks left in the first place!
I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.
I don’t understand fast food.
I have been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
Dreams are today’s answers to tomorrow’s questions.
Millionaires; If you don’t have trampoline floors, and a giant slide from your bed to a pool, give me your money, you’re wasting it.
The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all of your flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses and still thinks you’re completely amazing.
That kick ass moment when the teacher calls on you because they don’t think you were paying attention, and you get the answer right.
Dear Haters, thanks for keeping my name in every conversation of yours.
When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair… just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.
No mater what I do on the Computer, I always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
I’ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib
Two words have opened a lot of doors for me….Push and Pull.
I’m attracted by looks. Personality makes me stay.
People learn from history.
Which is why you should always delete it.
HOS is dispatching her gang of flying monkeys.
I don’t get nervous if I am surrounded by beautiful women. I know they’re all too busy hating each other to notice me.
Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future.
Don’t underestimate me, That’s my family’s job.
Tell her she’s beautiful instead of hot . She’s a woman, not a temperature.
People varnish, people die, people laugh & people cry, some give up, some try, some say hi & some say bye, that’s how life is.
1) Vodka is made from potatoes. 2) Potatoes are vegetables. 3) Vegetables are good for you. You’re welcome.
My resume is basically a list of things i hate to do.
Yeah, Okay, Alright, Yep, Got it, Mhm, Sure, Yes, Ok, BYE MOM!
“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Sometimes, after finding the truth… you realize that the lie was easier to live with.
When the waiter asks, “are you done with this?” when my plate is completely cleared. No, I wanted to eat the plate as well.
loves giving an answer to an “or” question with just a yes or no: “Did you order the pizza or do I have to do it?”… “Yes”
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
After reading this, you will notice that the the human brain doesn’t inform you that the the word “the” has been repeated twice every time.
Whoever said words don’t hurt never got hit in the head with a dictionary.
If she has 500 likes and 400 comments in a photo, what’s missing? Her clothes.
You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.
That moment when CAPS LOCK is not enough to express your anger.
My Ex went to her Dr.’s looking for something to treat headaches… He gave her some pills and said to give one to everyone she meets.
The awesome moment when you’re telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you.
has just had Guinness Book of Records on the phone, they want to measure my ironing pile.
That awkward moment when you’re trying not to look when someone is staring at you.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you’ve been doing since you were 15.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know
5 minutes of extra sleep in the morning seriously does matter.
Don’t let anyone’s hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the weirdo you strive to be.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil…we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
My wife fancies me more after I got a 6 pack and I am gonna fancy her more once I drink that 6 pegs.
I’ve learned that there are people that truly love you, but they just don’t know how to show it.
That awesome moment when you and a stranger become friends when you both silently recognize the stupidity of another person.
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You don’t find something? MOM!
Its funny how enemies seem to stick around longer than friends.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth… After that, everything else was Made in China.
Excuse me, aren’t you the guy who’s always getting mistaken for someone else? No.
If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.
Dear food advertisments, no one eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.
That awkward moment when you call your teacher “mom”.
If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June