eanie meanie minie moe
eanie, meanie, minie, moe, caught a Tiger with his ho.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
You’ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can’t reach it.
HOS is ENGAGED!! ……….in a good cause
You lied to me to protect yourself, not to protect me.
I am sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone & it’s voice activated. So every time I yell dumbass, it dials you.
Lying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if it’s worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning.
Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.
Are you free tomorrow? No, I am freaking expensive.
Two words I hate: 1. School 2. Monday
HOS is the kid next door’s, imaginary friend
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
I am on a seafood diet.. I see food and then i eat it.
Twilight, taking the “n” out of “vampire fangs” since 2007.
Whoever Said “It’s always nice to share” certainly forgot about AIDS.
That awkward moment when sarcasm doesn’t work in a text.
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
I couldn’t lift the table.
Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Be your greatest. Love your fullest. Smile your brightest.
I saw a fat lady with a “M.O.B.” tattoo on her arm. I asked “money over babes?” She said “No, McDonalds over Burger King.”
Oh dear! Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people Happy Birthday, ever.
I don’t hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank!
I wish people had a brightness setting.
The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there’s nothing you can’t do. – Tommy Smothers
I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said “Yeah, pump 6.”
One day I want to be “Let’s Just Take My Helicopter” rich.
Is “ugh” an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
The feeling you get when you finally understand something in math class….
Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!
HOS is a Figment of your imagination
Crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can’t explain the pain you feel.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I am bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Dear cellphone companies, please invent an “unsend my text” option. Sincerely, Everyone.
Every book you’ve ever read is just a different combination of the same 26 letters.
Saying “Oh yeah, I remember” when you really don’t.
An economist is someone who gets rich explaining to others why they are poor.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
How do you stop a child from bed wetting? Electric Blanket.
Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?
HOS is swearing to drunk that he is not god…
Learn to keep your private life private, or they will make your life their entertainment.
My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children!
If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake – I was tripping all night.
If students secretly think teachers are hot… I wonder, if teachers secretly think students are hot?
Pretty face gets attention. Pretty heart gets commitment.
That awkward moment when someone says “you two should go out”, when you actually do like the person.
Saw my ex broken down with 2 flat tires this morning which made me late for work. 9 times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her
Success sleeps with you in private. Failure insults you in public!
My friend Carlos got his car stolen. We just call him Los now.
“Are you really ok?” I am acting like I am ok. Please don’t interrupt my performance.
Air Bags: your car’s attempt of trying to cheer you up after an accident by giving you surprise balloons.
When people ask dumb questions, I feel I am obligated to give sarcastic answers.
says If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status?
I am who I am. I’m weird, I’m lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random & stupid stuff. But, I like it that way.
Dear boys, If you don’t look like Calvin Klein models, don’t expect us to look like Victoria’s Secret Angels. Sincerely, girls.
A kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Anger is the condition where the tongue works faster than the mind. So hold it, before you regret the words you say.
wanted to kill the coolest person alive. But suicide’s a crime
I laugh at my own jokes because I’m hilarious.
The awkward moment when the ticket vendor says, ‘Enjoy your movie.’ and then you say, ‘You too!’
No I am not playing “hard to get,” I am genuinely not interested.
“You’re too cute to be single.” & you’re too ugly to be flirting with me.
HOS is statusless.
They always put ”For best before date: see side of pack” on groceries.
Why can’t they just put the date there?
Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!
The witch in Hansel and Gretel is very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.
iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note tap > Blackberry
I am mature when I have to be. And immature when I wanna be.
Envy me, Hate me, Rate me. Bottom line, you aint me.
Before I post a joke on Twitter I tell it to my windmill… He is a HUGE fan….
When I sing with my headphones in I think, “Why don’t I have a record deal?”…Then I take them out and I know why.
thinks you are wasting her time
A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min, a beer shortens your life by 4 minutes, a working day shortens your life by 8 hours!
Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!