I ll be back
I’ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib
10 years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that’s still available!
I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet. I’m viewing a live stream right now.
Yes, I am forever ALONE; [A]dored [L]oved and [O]bviously [N]eeded by [E]veryone.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?
Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same.
I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.
I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching… my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
How to Save the World: 1) Make a document titled “The World”. 2) Save it.
HOS is talking to his inner voices..& they don’t like you
When I am on my deathbed, I want my last words to be Left £10 million in the……
says if she was a boy then he would be gay
HOS is having zero tolerance for the lactose intolerant
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth… unfortunately, the earth is round.
Expectations- Girl: “I am sleepy.” Boy: “Come and sleep in my arms.” Reality- Girl: “I am sleepy.” Boy: “Then go to sleep!”
That awkward moment when you wait for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I’ve got to say that I am pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Mom: clean up your room! We’re having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn’t realize we were having dinner in my room.
Officer to drunk Guy : “How high are you?” Drunk guy: No officer, its “Hi, How are you?
If you love something let it go but make sure one of your close friends is still friends with it on Facebook so you can stalk it.
I just want an honest Relationship. No lies. No mind games. No cheating.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…A few seconds ago · Comment · Like
If it’s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.
Facebook just bought Instagram for $1 billion. Idiots! They could’ve just downloaded it for free.
That one bug that no matter how many times you hit, just won’t die.
That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly but it looks wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning it’s existence.
I wonder if people can actually taste the bullshit as it spills out of their mouths.
The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. The second best is blackmail.
Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.
Learn to appreciate what you HAVE. Before time forces you to appreciate what you HAD.
I hate it when you sit down in shorts and suddenly your thighs look 6790 times fatter.
The doorbell on the TV always seems to sound exactly like my doorbell.
The best gift you can give to someone is your time, because you’re giving them something you can never get back.
“Hey dad what’s it like having the greatest kid ever?” “I don’t know………ask your grandfather!”
3 am text message. “Hey are you asleep?” “No, I am hunting zebras. What the hell do you want?”
Oh wow. you’re really gonna fight me over the internet? What’s the worst you can do, caps-lock?
I’ve realized that when my wife says “what?” its not because she didn’t hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said
Smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions….. when are they going to start making smart people?
How do people without a social media addiction get any procrastination done?
really thinks you should get help
My mind must be on sale. It’s 50% off.
Facebook needs a “Wow that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, you should be punched in the face” button.
Definition of pointless?
Our jobless friends updating their status to: “Thank God it’s the weekend!”
Smile as you wake up tomorrow and you will receive more smiles than you did today.
Your a model? What’s your agency? Instagram?
You know you’re really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.
Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.
Einstein: Genius mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: Never mind.
HOS is faking the smile with the coffee to go
Heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Stereo, Stereo, Stereo, I love stereotyping!
Who else had one of those pens with a million colors and tried to push all the buttons at once?
The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen, nor touched but are felt in the heart
I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake – I was tripping all night.
Dear person in the mascot outfit, do you smile when people take your picture? Sincerely, curious.
I wonder if aliens ask each other….. Do you believe in HUMANS?
Keep up the good work!
I’ve been a fan of yours forever,
You know you are getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
You know you’re ugly when you’re the one asked to take the photo
HOS is wondering if they make psycho repellent?
The closest that I’ve gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop…
HOS is normal..it’s everyone else that’s weird.
I hate to invite relatives over to the house because they are harder to get rid of than Adobe updates.
We all have 10 fingers. INDEX to point out, RING for marriage, THUMBS for approval, PINKIES for swears, & the MIDDLE one is just for you!
Cool story bro, You should tell it to someone else.
I have just signed a sixty grand a week contract to play for Chelsea next season. Just need to get them to sign it now.
thinks that a bad thing about a good thing is that it always comes to an end.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
HOS is just two away from a threesome
When I am supposed to be studying, even staring at a wall becomes fun.
You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
The awkward moment when a software engineer falling from the roof of a building and is shouting “F1 F1 F1” instead of “help help help”.
That annoying moment when you’re behind a slow walker & there`s no way around them.