I am spending some
I am spending some quality time with my pillow
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the orchestra? I feel like I could do that
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
That awkward moment when you are actually pulling a push door.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him.
I have found out the reason that women ask so many questions. They have an extra why chromosome.
That awkward moment when you’re all excited about opening a present, and when you open it, it sucks :-/
says What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
There’s something about your face…that makes my fist so attracted to it.
For men who think.. A women’s place is in the kitchen , just remember, that’s where the knives are kept!
Bad decisions make good stories.
I hate when people act a different way when they get around certain people.
If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.
If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Good writing means taking the effort out of the reading.
You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.
Facebook is one of the most searched term on Google. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn’t be using the internet.
Don’t mix between my personality and my attitude because my personality is ME and my attitude depends on YOU.
I am going to show my kids the movie 2012 and be like Yeah, I survived that.
I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
Life is inconvenient, unexpected, unplanned, unscripted, always messy, never on time..but oh-so-beautiful. 🙂
That awkward moment when sarcasm doesn’t work in a text.
Me: “Do your socks have holes in them?” Friend: “No!” Me: “Then how did you get your feet in?
What’s the difference between a woman and a bad joke? Not much, but at least I’ll listen to a bad joke.
HOS is out discovering new fears.
wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, “Say hello to my little friend.”
s healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
Are you crying? “No, I`m impersonating a fountain.”
All the idiots of the world have surrounded one computer. yours
Life is unfair… that’s why we have dreams.
If you invite a girl over to “watch a movie” and actually watch a movie, you’re a failure as a man.
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Boy: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body? Girl: Looks at him from head to toe- Your sense of humor.
FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Today I told my car it’s ok to tell me it’s a Transformer. It did’nt answer. I figure it’s just waiting for the right moment….
I am sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “i have nothing else to say”.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
Reasons I check my voice-mail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
Dear Taylor Swift, can you stop reading my diary? It’s kind of creepy how every song relates to me.
Yesterday I set my wifi’s name to Hack this if you can . When I checked it today, it was called Challenge accepted .
Blonde: What does ‘idk’ mean? Friend: I don’t know. Blonde: LIAR! You DO know! You just won’t tell me. Friend: *sigh*
is offering her children on buy 1 get 1 free
HOS is laughing at your pictures
I just want less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
I don’t run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
I would rather be bored at my friends house than bored at my house.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Math and English had a relationship. How else did we get Algebra then?
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I am trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
“Are you sleeping…?” “No… I always get into bed every night and just pretend I am dead.”
You know you’re really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.
That awkward moment when the teacher is talking to the whole class but is staring right into your eyes!
That awkward moment when you think someone was waving at you, so you wave back, then play it off like you were just scratching your head.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
Age is no guarantee of maturity.
No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
Emergency call: “911, What is your emergency?” “Two girls are fighting over me!” “So what’s the problem sir?” “The ugly one is winning…”
I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 40 minutes later saying LOL … Are you asking to be punched?
They say emotional pain is the basis for all humor that is why I just ran over 10 puppies..
Dear Puzzle Piece, Now you fit… Sincerely, Scissors
I am never really in a hurry until it’s clear that person driving in front of me isn’t either.
MEPHOBIA: a fear of becoming so awesome that the human race can’t handle it and everybody dies.
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
STUDY: The act of texting, networking, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
It’s true that we dont know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we dont know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
“I’ll keep that in mind” is the polite way of saying “Get lost, I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
I don’t have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.