I am nobody Nobody
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
You should introduce your upper lip to your lower lip sometime and shut up!
You know your talented when you can untangle your headphones in the dark.
I hate it when my girlfriend wears her Liverpool shirt to bed. I know it’s her subtle way of letting me know I’m not scoring
While I was running today, I heard clapping. It was just my thighs cheering me on. Gotta lose some weight man!
That moment when someone says “Name a good song” and you forget all the songs that were ever made.
Sometimes we know we shouldn’t and that’s exactly why we do.
Don’t settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can’t live without
Procrastination…………I’ll make a joke about it later.
I have just bought myself a laughing hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated
HOS is making cows laugh and watching milk run out their nose
has THOUGHT about getting out of bed… still thinking, still thinking…
says Why did Sally sell seashells by the seashore, when you can just pick them up off the beach for free?
I am not anti-social or shy, I just dont see the point in talking to you.
When a little kid is chasing you, you run slow so they think they’re fast.
Suicide Bomber Training: “Pay attention because I am only going to show you this once…”
That awkward eye contact moment when you’re just looking around and someone is already looking at you.
3 am text message. “Hey are you asleep?” “No, I am hunting zebras. What the hell do you want?”
The best feeling in the whole world is when you woke up and you see that its only 2.00 AM and you know you can fall back to sleep.
Smile. Let everyone know that today you’re a lot stronger than you were yesterday.
doesn’t understand his fascination with Camping…You work hard all year to pay your Mortgage/Rent, only to spend your vacation pretending you’re Homeless
Sometimes it’s better to react with no reaction.
If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
isn’t one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it’s true what they’re saying in my local paper.
A man joined facebook. His son wrote on his wall w t f dad. man: what the hell, you have no respect for me? Kid: dad chill it means welcome to facebook.
If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June
If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are.
The last thing you do every night and the first thing you do every morning is check your phone.
I wonder if aliens ask each other….. Do you believe in HUMANS?
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up… cause, you know… I am still looking for ideas.
HOS is on my space trying to Google your you tube
Old meaning of sorry. “I won’t do it again.”
New meaning of sorry. “Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful.”
That awkward moment when you watch a movie from your childhood, & finally understand all the “dirty” jokes.
I don’t have enough money to make everyone rich, but I have enough love to give to make everyone happy.
I hate math but I love counting money.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
I’d love to help the homeless people…. I just don’t know where they live.
No, I am not sleeping. I am just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
Those butterflies you get when the person you like says, “Can I ask you something?”
When leaving the pub I decided that I was in no condition to drive home.
But then I realised I couldn’t trust my judgment. I was drunk.
Got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When I ask someone a question and I can’t understand their response, I say, “Oh okay, thanks.”
How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with sub-woofers inside them?
Facebook needs a shut your mouth button!
says I just wish my mouth had a backspace key
My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them things in person.
Opening a pizza box: Your eyes instantly scan for the biggest slices.
Do something awesome, no one sees it. Do something embarrassing, everyone sees it.
How do people without a social media addiction get any procrastination done?
What if the Mayan calendar ends in 5105 and we’ve just been holding it upside down?
B.I.T.C.H = Beautiful. Intelligent. Talented. Charming. Hell of a Woman.
The songs I like always come on when I am supposed to be getting out of my car!
Dating is like smoking. When you quit, you can’t understand why you started and when you start again, you can’t understand why you quit.
A relationship shouldn’t ruin a friendship, but a friendship shouldn’t ruin a relationship either.
Oh, you’re a year older than me? You must be so experienced. Tell me how life was like back then.
Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it.
When you sneeze, you’re dead for 00.2 seconds.
The awesome moment when you’re telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you.
I’m about to rewrite history. History.
When you’re doing something you aren’t supposed to, every small noise scares the shit out of you.
They say goldfish only have a 2 second memory. They must spend their lives going: Shit! I am drowning! O, it’s ok, I am a fish. Shit! I am drown…
Once Upon A Time…. I used to sleep. Then this thing called “Facebook” happened…..
I would like to apologize to anyone I have NOT offended. Please be patient. I’ll get to you shortly.
is pretending that she doesn’t exist
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
is eating a hearty meal of spectacular hair implants
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
My phone battery can last longer than most relationships now a days.
Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer.
10 years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that’s still available!
Learn to keep your private life private, or they will make your life their entertainment.
Finally my coffee has arrived, despite not being what I ordered. Still, better latte than never.
When people ask me “Plz” because it’s shorter than “Please” I tell them “No” because it’s shorter than “Yes.”
One day your life will flash before your eyes, make sure it’s worth watching.
I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore…. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.