I am right 90
I am right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3% ?
Just curious, do both of your faces fit in the same mirror?
Cashier: ‘Have a nice day.’ Me: ‘Don’t tell me what to do.’
When I call my parents, and they don’t answer it’s no big deal but when they call me and i dont answer its like world war III.
Saying “I don’t know” to everything when you’re not in the mood to talk.
Shitday, shitday, shitday, shitday, Friday! Saturday! Sunday! and shitday again.
That awkward moment when you have to make up an excuse not to hang out with someone, because you`d rather chill at home.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Sometimes you can’t tell if you’re just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying.
FIFA 12 – (F)emales (I)gnored (F)or (A)nother (12) Months.
Sometimes when I’m alone, I lie on the floor and pretend I’m a carrot
Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.
HOS is your perfect drug
People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny and they take it too seriously. Me: “Aww c’mon it was just a joke”.
No matter how many times you wish on 11:11, toss coins and cross fingers. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen
HOS is easier to get into than a community college!
A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
I study ? I take the test ? I pass it ? I forget what I learned ? REPEAT
HOS is laughing at your pictures
HOS is radiating a glow of pure awesomeness
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad I’ll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
when a movie says “based on a true story” it gets 10 times scarier!
That awkward moment when you’re all excited about opening a present, and when you open it, it sucks :-/
That awkward moment when you’re walking out of a room like a model and your bag hooks on the door handle!
Me? I am just standing next to your house, waiting for this movie to finish downloading off your WiFi.
No I havent met Mr. Right yet, but I have met Mr. Fake, Mr. Rude, & Mr. Player.
I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.
My mom thinks my friends are bad influences but honestly, I am usually the one coming up with the ideas.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% probability you will get it wrong.
Dear Mobile phone, thank you for being there when I am in awkward situations
You’re angry at me for that? That’s cool, just let me know when you grow up.
I don’t hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank!
What do you get when you eat a blackberry? A blue tooth.
The best kinds of laughter: 1) Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2) Feeling a 6 pack coming. 3) Tears in your eyes.
Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror!
My life is based on a true story.
says Too many freaks, not enough circuses
If A Rhino & a Pony had a baby, would that make it a Unicorn?
Instead of calling in sick today, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today!
How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with sub-woofers inside them?
HOS is allergic to liars
That awkward moment when someone starts acting drunk after 1 drink.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.
Thanks phone, for being strong everytime I dropped you…
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap….
D.R.A.M.A = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
I Was born with a rare condition called “Amazing”.
I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and sheer lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time.
Me: “Hurry, give me a shoe to kill the spider!” *Friend gives me my shoe* “Not “my” shoe!”
The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.
That awkward moment when you finish a good book / TV series and you have to face the reality of your boring life.
I hate when people with weirdly spelled common names get mad when you misspell their name. I didn’t misspell it, your parents did.
The truly intelligent person is one who can pretend to be a fool in front of a fool who pretends to be intelligent.
Check out our new facebook fan page for daily quotes with your comments and other cool stuff.
HOS is the one who stole the frigg’n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shut up!
And who else thinks iTunes should give you unlimited free songs on your birthday?
HOS is out walking her pet fish
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Person: I got in a fight today. Normal Person: OMG! Are you okay?! Me: Did ya win?
The awkward moment when someone ugly says “I need my beauty sleep”, when in fact they need to hibernate.
We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich !
HOS is going around in circles
Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
Mom: Son, Can you please clean the fish I bought from the market? Son: WTF?! Mom: What does WTF mean? Son: Where’s the fish?
Taxes are basically just money you pay the government so they don’t put you in jail.
With the way I eat I should be at least 800 pounds.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
I hate math but I love counting money.
HOS is expert on padded cells
I am on a diet so I’ll order double cheese burger, large fries, and a diet coke.
is playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts
Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
That awkward moment you realize you’ve been mispronouncing a word your entire life.