If you re going
If you’re going my way, I’ll walk with you
“Are you as bored as I am?” makes sense even when you read it backwards.
I used to pretend “Tic Tacs” were medication.
I wish I could just like someone’s text so I wouldnt have to reply. Facebook are you listening?
Alright, I’ll accept your friend request. But, one stupid status and you’re UNFRIENDED!
When I say “there’s nothing to eat”…. I mean there’s nothing I like.
My Grandpa always said “Slow and steady wins the race” ….he died in a house fire!
Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.
I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
Why I try samples at stores: 1% I am thinking of buying the product 99% I want free food.
Admit It. When you shut the lights off in the basement, you get out of there…fast.
Facebook is where you lie to your friends. Twitter is where you’re honest with complete strangers.
Me and my girlfriend have been together so long now that we finish each other’s sentences. Usually with the phrase: Shut the F up.
I don’t trip. I freestyle walk.
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I’ve got to say that I am pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Seriously, teachers, weekends are for refreshing. Not for doing homework.
Don’t waste your damn time telling me I am not funny! if you’re stupid & can’t see the UNFOLLOW button, i can clearly see the BLOCK button!
I am pretty sure God created only 6 days, Monday was definitely made by Satan.
My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, “That’s for all the cheating!” She has a weird way of apologizing.
Before I post a joke on Twitter I tell it to my windmill… He is a HUGE fan….
There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner.
The three most read words in the world: I? ?L?o?v?e? ?Y?o?u? …NO! It’s: Made in China.
Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
I hate when people say, “I gotta get my body right for the summer”.. like, what are you going to do about that face?
I work as a waiter and love it when people ask How do you prepare the chicken? I always reply- We tell it straight, you gonna die
Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m trippin? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.
It’s impossible to say “I wasn’t talking to you” politely.
HOS is too fast, but not really that furious
I don’t care if your son is 3, I am not giving up this swing.
HOS is a mystery you’ll never solve
People think I am so innocent… if only they knew what really goes through my head.
thinks it’s sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say “Music playing”. Wouldn’t it be nicer just to not mention that?
I am glad friendship doesn’t come with price tags. If it did, I’d never afford someone as great as you.
Weed is not a drug, It’s a plant. Therefore I am not a drug dealer, I am a florist.
The heart attack when you’re in bed almost sleeping, holding your phone in your hand and it suddenly vibrates.
HOS is phoning a friend
HOS is focus- Oh look, a squirrel!
I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.
I wonder what the traffic lights were used for when cars hadn’t been invented yet..
Assets are proof that men can focus on 2 things at once.
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We all have that skinny friend who eats more than an elephant.
I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who the hell are you?
Life has so many great options but you don’t have to pick what seems to be the best. Just pick what makes you happy and it will be the best.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.
WON THE LOTTERY!!!………………………… and then I woke up.
HOS is processing please wait
Idiots. More stubborn than Congress. More powerful than Scientologists.
Teacher: When was the Second World War fought? Me: From page 126 to page 143.
If it wasn’t for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.
My Talents: Speed texting, procrastination, sarcasm, talking back & the ability to completely zone out in class.
That funny moment when you plug your charger into your phone but hours later realize the switch wasn’t on.
Heres to boys who know more facts about their favorite band than the history of their country.
The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there’s nothing you can’t do. – Tommy Smothers
must be stored in a cool dry place away from sunlight.
That awkward moment when someone isn’t texting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile…
I never actually saw someone slip on a banana peel. Did you?
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation.
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the Like button
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Teacher: Please go to page 364 in your text book. Random kid in the back:”HOLY CRAP I JUST FLIPPED RIGHT TO THAT EXACT PAGE IN ONE FLIP!”
HOS is tired of chasing his dreams. I’m just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.
No I am not crazy, I am normal with a splash of Awesome.
Harry Potter fan: I wanna go to Hogwarts!
Percy Jackson Fan: I’ve always wanted to go to Camp Half Blood
Hunger Games fan: I am fine…
I don’t have bad handwriting, I just have my own font.
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad I’ll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
School and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Age is no guarantee of maturity.
I am totally fine with favoritism as long as I am the favorite.
I have to exaggerate or I’ll die
That awkward moment when nobody likes your Facebook status.
They say that George Washington never told a lie. History would be different if he had to read the – terms and conditions