A wise man once
A wise man once said, “To be old and wise, first you have to be young and stupid”
I hate when people say, “He’s a nice guy once you get to know him.”…..So in other words, “He’s an asshole but you’ll get used to it”?
Does a midget using an iPhone look like a regular person using an iPad?
There’s something about your face…that makes my fist so attracted to it.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.
Girlfriend: Baby, I am getting fat. Boyfriend: That’s a stupid and ridiculous thing to say. You’ve always been fat.
I want a relationship, not a relationshit.”
That awkward moment when you say you’re not hungry, and then your belly rumbles.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Remember our ‘I love you more’ fights? I think I won.
I can multi-task. I can talk and piss you off at the same time…. What can I say? It’s a gift.
Being nice to people you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them.
HOS is joining the army. He hears it’s a great way to meet people. Then kill them.
Dear Schools, how is being suspended a punishment for skipping classes? Sincerely, Logic.
I don’t always wake up early without an alarm, But when I do, it’s a weekend.
“Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either”
Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive…
Trying to look like I am interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos.
Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools and accepted by idiots.
Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.
That awkward moment when you are actually pulling a push door.
HOS is living on the magic island of awesome
BEST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: be the crazy one.
If you keep looking back at the one who doesn’t deserve you, you may miss the one you deserve.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative.
I felt quite smug when the iPad came out. I’d been saying for years that the iPhone would be really big one day.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, & crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you will go broke.
An economist is someone who gets rich explaining to others why they are poor.
Sitting in a movie theater, saying “We need to see that!” after every trailer.
Oh, you play FarmVille and Mafia Wars? Please send me 24865258525 requests.
75% of my enemies were once my friends.
Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the trash bin…
HOS has a case of the Mondays when all he wants is a case of beer.
Woman gives birth. Woman: I think I`ll name her Sara. Doctor: I`m sorry, but that name`s already taken.. May I suggest Sara89 or Sara_13?
90% of the people that say “I’ll do this at home” never really do it at home….
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of nonsense.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Einstein: Genius mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: Never mind.
Definition of a Diplomat:
A person who has the abilty to say “Go to Hell” in a way that makes you look forward to going.
Dear Girls, Bruno Mars may take 1 grenade for you but we take hundreds. Sincerely, the army.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
When in doubt, mumble.
Trying to shut off your alarm at 6am is like trying to disarm a bomb with down syndrome. Just keep hitting it till the beeping stops.
Math Test: Ha Ã— ha²ha²= Hahahahahaha
My brother just updated his status to
I love my girlfriend <3 .
I always knew he liked them young, but less than 3, that is ridiculous.
I am proud to come from a family of work-a-holics…..Every time someone mentions work, we all get drunk! ?
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
friend: HEY YOU`RE BLOCKING THE VIEW! me: I am the view.
When she came home I had laid roses to the bedroom. I had candles lit, jazz playing in the background. now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself.
I am so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.
It might just be me but every time I say synonym I have to stop myself from to say Cinnamon.
what i if told you………………………………………………….that you read the top line wrong?
Police Officer: Do you speak English? Jose: Yes. Police Officer: Where are you from? Jose: Yes.
I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.
Some girls are so plastic That I expect to see a “Made In China” stamp on their neck.
Don’t you love the kid in class who asks the teacher stupid questions just to waste time.
Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos.
HOS is going to snap, crackle, and pop your neck
They say emotional pain is the basis for all humor that is why I just ran over 10 puppies..
Hey, people who upload full movies to YouTube, get a life! Also, thank you.
and she’s the girl with the middle finger in the air. ’cause for the first time, she just doesn’t care
I will do anything humanly impossible to reach the remote, without getting up.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking “who’s blood is this?” and “How did you get it?”
I`m painting a blue square in my backyard, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through it.
I would like to give you a big thumb’s-up. But I am afraid that would be the wrong finger.
I bet nothing pisses a cop off more than a car driving the speed limit right in front of them.
I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.
Proud of myself. finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!
HOS is an escaped mental patient with a history of violence