I am obviously doing
I am obviously doing something more important than you
HOS is proof that God has a sense of humor…
Dear everyone, always remember that when you fall, I’ll pick you up. But just AFTER I finish laughing.
Idiots. More stubborn than Congress. More powerful than Scientologists.
If you don’t have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.
Don’t call me crazy… I much prefer the term “mentally hilarious”
I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.
Girl’s status on Facebook: I am sad (172 comments) Boy’s status: I am going to commit sucide (2 likes and 1 comment: Dekh le yaar, ho sake to na kar).
lost my cellphone if you find it …..call me
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
Crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can’t explain the pain you feel.
Did you know, That if you yell “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM your mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?
Never say “maybe” to a kid. All they hear is “I swear on my life that this will definitely happen.”
I am gonna go throw a grenade at my friend. Don’t worry! Bruno Mars will catch it right?
Typing fast and perfectly when you’re alone, but screwing up like crazy when you’re with someone.
If you don’t like me, that is your problem..If I don’t like you..ummm still your problem!
Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA!
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
When I die, i’m gonna donate my body to science……..fiction!!
“Page 404 Not Found” I wasn’t even looking for page 404.
Dear Enemies â€” I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient 🙂
The moment you’re laughing so hard and you try to stop, but you look at the person and laugh again.
Yes phone, I realize I have a low battery. Thanks for alerting me 50 million times.
There’s a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonald’s.
What if your webcam was on right now and broadcasting in times square?
HOS is walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper
Haters can only hate the things they can’t have and the people they can’t be.
A line is a dot that went for a walk.
When I say I’ll think about it, what I really mean is: I’ll forget about it completely until you bring it up again.
Don’t you hate it when Wikipedia copies your homework!
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I am awake.
*ABRACADABRA*…………… Nope, you’re still a loser.
Time for something that starts with ‘P’ and ends in ‘orn’. that’s right, popcorn!
Last night I was so drunk when I walked to the bar over the dance floor for another drink, I won the dance competition.
HOS is drinking beers with his peers
“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Men are like computers. In order to get their attention, you need to turn them on.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Biggest lie told by girls: “I’m fine.” Biggest lie told by boys: “I’m not like most guys.”
The lies people tell are rooted in a fear of being judged or rejected.
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: ‘Thanks for coming.’
What to do when you’re wrong: A) Admit You’re Wrong. B) Make Adjustments. C) Move Along.
I’m sorry; I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy moving on with my life so hang up and don’t call back again
LOL has gone from meaning ‘laugh out loud’ to ‘I have nothing else to say’.
3 am text message. “Hey are you asleep?” “No, I am hunting zebras. What the hell do you want?”
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
You know you’re ugly when you’re the one asked to take the photo
I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
When I die I want written on my tombstone “Finally Offline”.
I may look calm but in my head I’ve killed you 3 times.
Well, it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, & head on home from work.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I am sick” voice.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?
Use your smile to change this world. Dont let this world change your smile.
HOS is whistling a merry tune
I haven’t posted “what’s on my mind” since I “used my mind” and found a site that could do it for me!
If you’re on the treadmill next to me, the answer is yes…we are racing.
My Ex Texted Me: “I Miss You…” So I Replied: “We’re sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn’t give a damn.”
Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
Did you know that iPads and iPhones float in water? Go on try it, I promise it’s true!
New Years Resolution 1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.
If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s 12. If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near 40.
I am not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours!
Once you notice something, you keep noticing it everywhere.
says people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!
I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.
When I met you, I got this tingling sensation….then I realized my phone was on vibrate.
You wish doing homework burned calories.
Rule: 1 I am always right. Rule: 2 If I am wrong, please look at rule 1
Listening to a song, it stops playing but you don’t realize it, until 10 minutes later you wonder why it’s so quiet.
HOS is busy, you’re ugly, have a nice day
I swear bugs fly near my head just to watch me slap myself.
Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting your mouth.
FLIRTATIONSHIP: when you and your friend flirt non-stop, But you know you will never really do anything.