I am stranded on
I am stranded on toilet island
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it…… I found the rubber band.
Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.
says if she was a boy then he would be gay
The most common and used phrase in China, “You look familiar.”
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died & yes, it was tragic.
10 minutes… No text back? Looks like I am going to sleep now. OH NOW YOU DECIDE TO REPLY!?
DEAR HATERS, I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT….’awesome’ ends with “me”and ‘ugly’ starts with “u”
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Laying in bed, remembering a conversation in your head, and imagining what you should’ve said instead!
Lazy Rule 237: No shower is needed, if you are not going anywhere.
The hardest task facing kids today is to learn good manners without actually seeing any.
People varnish, people die, people laugh & people cry, some give up, some try, some say hi & some say bye, that’s how life is.
When I exercise, I wear all black. It’s like a funeral for my fat.
I’ll never be able to clean my house faster than when someone texts saying they’re coming over.
you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture
Friday: YES ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WHAT THE HELL just happened?!.
I keep my room messy so that if someone tries to kill me they’ll trip over and die
You know your vacation sucks when you’re constantly Tweeting about it.
Being pissed off is better than being pissed on.
If someone has something bad to say about you, it’s probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.
HOS is in your boyfriends extended network.
Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.
says if you are a Vin Diesel fan, in all fairness you should not be reading his status. You should be home coloring.
Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.
Sometimes when you’re sad, no one cares, when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time!
Skinny jeans aren’t for everybody…
If it’s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap….
This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, (at least) one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull!
In the future, I’ll tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet thus blowing their minds forever.
If my room is clean, it means that Twitter is not working.
Be a Stalker today: Go to someone’s Facebook profile, scroll down 6 months, and “LIKE” something.
Deleting your facebook is like running away from home. You are just doing it for attention and you’ll be back in an hour.
Dad: Those people on Twitter are going to come to your house and rape you. Me: Dad. They barely ever leave their room.
Once Upon A Time…. I used to sleep. Then this thing called “Facebook” happened…..
Thinking “what if someone else in the world is doing the exact same thing as me right now?”
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
While waiting for the right person, no harm having fun with the wrong ones.
How come I can’t get a mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afganistan?
Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there!
Sometimes, when holding on too tight, you lose what you were trying to save to begin with.Soap, for example!!
Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K.
I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.
Life is like a bull; You need to grab it by the horns to have any chance of controlling it.
2012 Pick Up Lines: “I have a full tank of gas.”
wants to be buried at sea… so if you wanna dance on my grave, be my guest!
If you want to look young and skinny stand next to a bunch of fat old people.
Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
If you’re not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I won’t take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move. Duh!
HOS is feeling strangely happy.
It’s so strange to think that before Twitter all of this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads.
says If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status?
That awkward moment when the guy don’t know English and types “Hi Gays!”
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
“You’re so lazy.” “No, I am not. I’ve been converting oxygen into… carbon dioxide all day.”
HOS is Growing old but never up
Okay, if we get caught, pretend we don’t speak English.
Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
I have a smart phone with a dumb battery!
Seeing a car in the middle of the mall and thinking, “How the heck did they get that in here?”
HOS is not suitable for all audiences, parental discretionHOS is advised
Nothing brings two people together like the mutual dislike of another person
says I just wish my mouth had a backspace key
Life without you is like; Twitter without followers, Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, and Google with no results..
I am sorry, the only appointment we have open is 5 months from now at the most inconvenient time. Is that okay?
Mom: “What are you doing?” Me: “Homework!” *Mom looks at the screen* “Really? When did they start putting it on Twitter?”
I love deleting one “ha” from your “hahahahahaha” because you feel like it’s too much!
So I heard you’re a player. Well nice to meet you. I am the coach.
I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake – I was tripping all night.
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I am typing this with my middle finger.