Everthing will be ok
Everthing will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Dear Parents, thanks for the weird name. Sincerely, My Name Is Never On Those Customized Keychains.
My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with Call Of Duty. Its okay, she wont go far because I set a claymore by the door.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Why do beer companies bother with an expiration date…it’s never going to make it anywhere near that!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If you put your finger in your ear and scratch it, sounds like you’re playing Pac-Man.
Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Hi, I am a teenager and I speak four languages: English, Sarcasm, Dirty Minded and Swearing.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who’s free for the weekend.
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
New Years Resolution 1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.
“Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.”
That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there’s that one person who ruins it by saying something serious.
There’s only one thing you can do to combat a liar; stop believing and start leaving.
My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them.From her reaction, I am guessing Pete and Repeat wasn’t the best choice.
Fact: 100% of the people reading this, are alive.
Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA!
Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
HOS is your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.
Of all the lies I tell, “I was joking!” is my personal favorite.
I got Inception on DVD for Christmas. Had to open 4 DVD cases to get to the disk though.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.
When someone has a nickname Calling them by their real name sounds weird.
If silence is golden, then random screaming in public places is platinum!
Was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank God the Walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!
That awesome moment when the whole class laughed at what you said, so you just sit there like a boss.
I would hate to be a dragon.
I would get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.
The sick bastard who put the ‘D’ in Wednesday must be the same genius who put the ‘R’ in February.
No matter how long have you slept, you always want those 5 MINUTES in the morning.
I’ve been using Google for 8 years and I have no idea who uses the “I am Feeling Lucky” button.
The biggest challenge of life is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else.
A photograph is the pause button of life.
When you are losing an argument on the internet, remember that attacking your opponents’ spelling and punctuation is always advisable.
That awkward moment when you’re in a store and turn around to talk to your friend but find it’s not your friend but some stranger.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Trying to find a song you heard on the radio by Googling a phrase from it.
It’s better to be rude and hated by few, than to be nice and taken for granted by many.
Two Words.’I Hate maths.’
It’s not that I hate you… it’s just that if we were being chased by zombies, I would trip you.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Math and English had a relationship. How else did we get Algebra then?
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
That awesome moment when you and a stranger become friends when you both silently recognize the stupidity of another person.
Here’s to the kids who have their own concerts in their room.
If Sunny Leone marries Sunny Deol, she will also become
Thank you for reading this, I have officially wasted your precious time.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture
It`s funny when a bad guy is running away and the police say: GET BACK HERE! Yeah I don’t think they plan on stopping.
Don’t make fun of fat girls, they have enough on their plates.
I’ve realized that when my wife says “what?” its not because she didn’t hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said
I am sick of seeing, “I am not like most girls” on bios. What? your belly button are on your head?
While I was running today, I heard clapping. It was just my thighs cheering me on. Gotta lose some weight man!
Ek aadmi ki wife mar gayi, Dost ussko chup karaane ke baad: Tujhe kuch chahiye? Admi: Jaldi laptop le aa Dost:Kyun? Admi: Facebook pe status change karna hai..
HOS is the reason Santa even has a naughty list!!!!!
says ..forget subway..I got your five dollar foot long right here baby…
wants to be buried at sea… so if you wanna dance on my grave, be my guest!
You know you’ve grown up when instead of being angry at someone for a stupid comment, you feel sorry for them.
Things to do today: 1.Dig a hole 2. Name it love 3. Watch people fall in love
Apple will now offer a free iPhone case. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.
5 Rules of Happiness 1. Don’t Hate 2. Don’t Worry 3. Give More 4. Expect Less 5. Live Simply!
I am not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, “for the table.”
HOS is taking a walk outside her mind
I hate rhetorical questions. Don’t you?
Before you marry someone, ask yourself, “will they be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?
with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn’t have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher. we’d have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!
Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn’t know the correct pronunciation of nothing
HOS is having zero tolerance for the lactose intolerant
I like long walks especially when they’re taken by people I don’t like.
I am one of those bad things that happen to good people!
I’m so cool I embarass winter
You don’t have to love in words, even through the silences love is always heard.